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Author Topic: Suicide of exes brother  (Read 8547 times)

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Offline The Naughtiest Girl

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Suicide of exes brother
« on: October 23, 2009, 11:47:50 PM »
Very odd set of empotions going on at the moment

Ex turned up to collect the girls tonight and me being head up my arse over my own upset did not interact with him that much ( this is not unusual) I shut the door and he was knocking for ages, I just thought I couldn't face him

When I answered he he just stood there looking a broken man and told me that his brother had killed himself yesterday

I was obviously very shocked. I wanted to give him a hug but didnt and am ashamed that as a human being I did not do this, i have not had any phsyical contact with him for 4 years so I froze.

He told me as obviously he was going to tell the girls, I offered him to come in so we could tell them together but he declined, I offered to drive him up to his parents in the north east but he said he was ok to drive

I can not begin to imagine what he is going through and even though I don't like my ex and there is no love lost between me and any of his family, as another human being to another I want to help him

He told me he was going to tell the girls the truth that it was suicide, I was shocked but obviously can't challenge him on this , he needs to do what he needs to do

He will have his own support network but don't know if I should offer to go to the funeral for the girls' sake really.

The girls seemed ok when I rang them tonight but really have no experience of suicide and not sure how to answer their questions other than honestly. I am worried that they may have nightmares about this

Thankfully the girls were not very close to their Uncle and saw him only once or twice a year. This is also not their 1st experience of death but suicide is such an unknown

I want to try to help my ex but acknowledge that it is not really my place to do so. If I send a card to his parents is it the wrong thing to do

I know that in these circumstances there is nothing that can make the situation any worse than it isfor them

Its all very odd and I feel so very sad for his whole family

He is an atheist so , as I have said on FB, any anti prayers all to be sent into the ether to offer him some comfort
r
x
« Last Edit: October 23, 2009, 11:53:47 PM by Mrs Del Monte »
Courage is looking fear right in the eye and saying " Excuse me, get the hell out of my way, I have things to do "

Offline hells bells

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Re: Suicide of exes brother
« Reply #1 on: October 24, 2009, 12:06:04 AM »
really sorry to hear this rach .... thoughts being sent in the ether ....

i would send a card ... after all ... he is in your thoughts too

as for the girls ... you can only answer any questions as and when they come up as openly as possible
take your lead from them and just be watchful ....

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((R)))))))))))))))))))))))))

hels xxx
Friends are like diamonds - hard to find and very precious to keep xxx

Offline Run DM&C

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Re: Suicide of exes brother
« Reply #2 on: October 24, 2009, 01:05:38 AM »
Not sure what advice I can give apart from go with your gut instinct.

I don't think there is anything wrong with sending a card in the circumstances as they are in your thoughts. You could send it from you all as he was still the girls uncle

I would just be honest as the questions come up and play it by ear. Kids are amazingly resilient and they may just accept this so don't worry until they come to you. Just be observant for any changes in them

Are the girls expected to go to the funeral? I wouldn't think it necessary if they only saw him occasionally but again only you know what is best for E & L

Big hugs to you all (((((((((((((((((((((((xxxxxxxx)))))))))))))))))))))))
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Offline C99

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Re: Suicide of exes brother
« Reply #3 on: October 24, 2009, 07:39:54 AM »
Rach, really sorry to hear this. Lots of anti-prayers and thoughts of comfort for your ex, and all of his family (and you too).

C xx

p.s. yes, send a card to his parents, not wrong at all.
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Offline CB2

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Re: Suicide of exes brother
« Reply #4 on: October 24, 2009, 08:11:47 AM »
I would send a card because it be it will help you because it is obviously something you feel that it is the right thing to do, it would be from you and the girls and might give the family a small amount of comfort that in times like this your differences can be put to one side. 

As someone as has already said as the girls will not totally understand what suicide is and the many reasons behind it, they may just take it in their stride.  You need to keep at watchful eye as usual for any signs of them being distressed.

I am sending you big hugs ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))), please take care of yourself, because I know from your other post this is not a good time for you and I would hate to see this drag you down further.

Love

Elaine
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Offline Ian (not Hislop)

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Re: Suicide of exes brother
« Reply #5 on: October 24, 2009, 09:26:24 AM »
Really sad news and I would send a card.

Even though the ex is an atheist, what about you and the girls saying a prayer together. When I was an atheist, someone once told me 'that there are no atheists in a lifeboat', it took me a while to understand but it's so true! This is your exes lifeboat situation and he might appreciate those prayers.

Things like this never come at a good time and you are not in the best of places at the moment, stay strong remember you have a lot of friends who are thinking of you!

((((Hugs))))

Ian x

Offline danensis

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Re: Suicide of exes brother
« Reply #6 on: October 24, 2009, 10:15:10 AM »
There is an excellent organisation called SOBS - survivors of bereavement by suicide, and you might want to mention this to your ex.

Some people feel very guilty about suicide. They feel they could have done something, spotted the signs, or helped somewhow, and others feel anger at the deceased - how could (s)he have done that to us/me/the family. Its important to understand that the suicidal are in such a dark place that there is nothing but them. They may make practical arrangements before they act, but emotionally they see themselves as alone. I'm not good at explaining this, but SOBS will certainly do it better,

Look after yourself, and cherish the girls, they're going to confused and upset if they see that their dad is,

John
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Offline Silky

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Re: Suicide of exes brother
« Reply #7 on: October 24, 2009, 02:01:20 PM »
I'm sorry to hear the news Rach, my thoughts go out to your ex and his family and the girls.

I can only speak for myself here but I found and of great comfort to get cards and warm wishes when my father and sister died, it was nice to know that other people (some relative strangers) cared. It's at times like these that grievances and upsets should be put aside.

I'd favour honesty with the kids as they're very apt at finding out the truth anyway so it's best explained to them rather than them being frightened by it. We've already had a chat about suicide - we passed a famous suicide spot on a trip somewhere and the kids were full of questions. I simply explained that some people aren't happy with their lives and want to go back to heaven - the explanation sufficed. (Haidee did say she could never do that as she "loved her world", something I was delighted to hear)

Big hugs to you all,
Silky x
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Offline elliefreya

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Re: Suicide of exes brother
« Reply #8 on: October 24, 2009, 02:13:50 PM »
Gosh Rach, how shocking, how sad.

 I don't think there is a way you are "supposed" to act in these situations, so just go easy on yourself, you shouldn't have to feel guilty.  Just follow your instincts with regard to the girls. Personally I;m not sure funerals are the place for children unless absoutely necessary, but that is up to you all to decide.

Take care hun, big hugs for you and all. Lorri xx

Offline skittle

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Re: Suicide of exes brother
« Reply #9 on: October 24, 2009, 02:44:51 PM »
Sorry to hear this very sad news.

Agree with everyone else send a card.  Also think honesty is the best policy with the girls, they may well be quite blase about it all at the moment but at least there will be no akward back tracking if they are told the truth from the begining.

Hugs to you all xx
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Offline The Naughtiest Girl

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Re: Suicide of exes brother
« Reply #10 on: October 24, 2009, 04:20:04 PM »
Have spoken to the girls and they were telling me all about a balloon game they are playing

Ex wasnt telling me all about the balloon game he was playing but he did seem to be holding it together

Thanks for all your posts, this is not about me , it is about them but its a very very odd feeling like I said

You are all super smashing and great
r
x
Courage is looking fear right in the eye and saying " Excuse me, get the hell out of my way, I have things to do "

Offline Silver Lining

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Re: Suicide of exes brother
« Reply #11 on: October 24, 2009, 04:43:34 PM »
I've only just caught up with this one, Rach.

I think it would be the right thing to do to send a card to his parents and, as Skittle said, it's better to tell the truth to the children.

It sounds as if they are happy enough playing a balloon game.  Who knows, it may be a comfort to your ex to have his children with him.

Anyway, BIG HUGS.  I know you have said that this is about other people, but it is affecting you and is probably the last thing you need at the moment.  I'm sure your girls are sensible.  You may get the odd question, but as Hells said, take it from them.

Take care.

C xx
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Offline Nets

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Re: Suicide of exes brother
« Reply #12 on: October 24, 2009, 08:07:00 PM »
I know you say it isn't about you - but you naturally are going to feel something, especially as you are concerned over the effect it may have on your children.  I think a card is a must.  When a tradegy such as this happens, any personal feelings or fallings out seem insignificant. 

Take care
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Offline JustRuby

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Re: Suicide of exes brother
« Reply #13 on: October 24, 2009, 08:16:13 PM »
Can only agree with what everyone else has said Rach, send a card and take time to be there for your girls

Can only offer my love and best wishes to you all at what must be a difficult time xxxx
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Offline TravellingChick

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Re: Suicide of exes brother
« Reply #14 on: October 25, 2009, 11:36:18 AM »
Hi Rach

So sorry to hear about this.  My cousin comitted suicide 4 years ago and it was a huge shock to all my family,  especially his mother who has never really recovered from it.

The way I have dealt with it is that I respect it was what Gabriel wanted.  It is not what we wanted as a family but I believe he knew what he was doing and whilst not necessarily of sound mind exactly he wasn't incapable either.

His mother has struggled massively and has not accepted his death or the suicide and I think she has convinced herself it was not a suicide now (he was diabetic and didn't take his insulin and drank alchohol thus inducing a diabetic coma,  he was on his own and knew he would be for some time so wouldn't be found and he left a note).

I wrote a poem about my cool cousin Gabriel and found some old family photos and gave them to my aunt. 

I think my advice would be,  act as you would in the case of any bereavement.  A loved on has died and,  for me,  this transcends the manner in which they died.

Much love to you and the girls and their dad and his family.

Sarah
xxx

Offline Dora

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Re: Suicide of exes brother
« Reply #15 on: October 25, 2009, 07:50:50 PM »
Hi Rach,
I agree with the others that it should be treated like any other bereavement, but as I guess with any premature death it does leave questions unanswered with those left living.

My brother committed suicide, so I know what it is like from that side of things. If there was any specific questions you thought I might be able to help with, please send me a pm, and the organisation SOBS that John mentioned - my mum found it a great help.

Peapod
x
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder…”– Thoreau

Offline The Naughtiest Girl

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Re: Suicide of exes brother
« Reply #16 on: October 26, 2009, 07:07:41 PM »
He has just emailed me this poem that he wrote on Sat

He has NO idea I am sharing it, I will tell him but I actually think its brilliant and very very poignant


Through the gap that you've left
Causing us to weep,
Waves of misery
Rise and sweep.

Between open-mouthed
Moments of disbelief
Come uncontrollable
Tides of grief.

But below mind's noise
Is that Silent Voice
Reminding us all
Of our powerful choice.

While it threatens to take
All we have to give,
Death shouts loudly
And clearly: 'LIVE!'

With a wake up slap,
An impatient shove,
Death came here
To remind us: 'LOVE
Courage is looking fear right in the eye and saying " Excuse me, get the hell out of my way, I have things to do "

Offline hells bells

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Re: Suicide of exes brother
« Reply #17 on: October 27, 2009, 09:53:45 PM »
that's beautiful rach  :-*
Friends are like diamonds - hard to find and very precious to keep xxx

 

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