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Author Topic: The curious circumstance of funerals of your ex's family.....  (Read 7188 times)

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Offline Trip

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The curious circumstance of funerals of your ex's family.....
« on: September 30, 2009, 02:59:55 PM »
My childrens grandmother (paternal) died unexpectedly on Sunday....Breast Cancer metastases to Liver...very quick.

I know she disliked me even more than I her...so its sad, but no great grieving on my part.  For 10 yrs she would not speak or make eye contact with me..so I gave up

Ex of course is rocked to the core

The children are ok, I suppose a little bemused that they wont see their grandma again even though they only saw her once or twice a year...I guess kids like knowing people are just there...After some consideration I have decided I will take the children to the funeral, because I think it will help them with a sense of closure on Grandmas death and also connect them a little more to their paternal family who they see precious little of.

Ex WANTs them at the funeral, but doesn't want to be responsible for them as he will be upset...so wants me to be there too to make sure they are ok.  He wants me and them to join the cortege and family mourners..which I'm a little  :o :o about. Personally, its no secret that ex MIL and I hadn't spoken for 10yrs...it just seems a little fake that I would be in the line up...but whatever, I'll just do as I am told..

All in all - its all a little odd! suddenly we are "family" again...and it feels a bit yeurk.
suddenly he is ringing me every day to chat/lean on shoulder - like we were friends.
is he making me his replacement mummy? ???

As the funeral is in Cornwall it will be a 2-3 day trip.  I am taking elastoplast so I can  :-X
Will I manage that long without expressing an opinion??

Its as if once you have children your ex (and his family) are never truly, fully "ex".  There is alway a bind.  I sure hope these children one day appreciate the tight rope I continue to walk for them...

Sheesh!!

Oh, and she has left them a few bob each - so thats nice................

Trip

..currently looking for pink clothes to wear to the funeral (as instructed - its a Breast Cancer funeral...odder and odder, a funeral in pink....as if being in the "bosum" of my ex family wasn't odd enough).
I still miss my ex husband.........but my aim is improving !

Offline Ellyb

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Re: The curious circumstance of funerals of your ex's family.....
« Reply #1 on: September 30, 2009, 03:11:58 PM »
Sorry about your kids grandma, we went through very similar in early august, the biggest difference being that my kids knew thier grandma very well, and used to see her twice a week.

I managed to step back a bit from the courtage and such, but i was there for the kids, and my ex father in law wanted me there.

Its not easy, but your kids are old enough to know whats going on, and i think its important that they do go.  i am thinking of you and hoping all goes well.

Offline Kewcumber

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Re: The curious circumstance of funerals of your ex's family.....
« Reply #2 on: September 30, 2009, 03:51:52 PM »
Just make sure that its a pink bandaid over your disapproving mouth and you'll blend in just fine!

At least if you're not too upset you can sing the hymns yelling at the top of your voice - I'm always too choked at funerals to sing properly and I do like a rousing hymn.

No other advice really - just add it to the list of things your kids "owe" you and get ready to produce it when they're packing youoff to an old folks home.

Sue

Offline The Naughtiest Girl

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Re: The curious circumstance of funerals of your ex's family.....
« Reply #3 on: September 30, 2009, 04:25:00 PM »
I shouldnt laugh but the title of this post comboned with the image of elastoplast was amusing

I am sorry for your kids about their Grandma dying but f*ck what a testing time for you

full of admiration that you are being a support for your ex

You will get your reward in heaven or maybe the pub afterwards

Take Care
x
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Offline danensis

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Re: The curious circumstance of funerals of your ex's family.....
« Reply #4 on: September 30, 2009, 06:17:03 PM »
My mum always used to say "You'll see enough funerals when you're older" and never took us when we were kids. I think that's a good scheme - if the only reason the ex wants them there is to show them off, then there's no good reason for them to go.

John
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Offline TravellingChick

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Re: The curious circumstance of funerals of your ex's family.....
« Reply #5 on: September 30, 2009, 09:40:22 PM »
Hi Trip
Sorry to hear that the inevitable arrived,  hope the trips are doing okay and am glad for them that they had this summer holiday down there at an age where there memories will persist.

I think your ex is being unreasonable to expect you to be at the forefront of the mourners in order to babysit the kids tbh.  Yeh you can be there and you can be available but to really expect you in the cortege just so's he doesn't have to cater to his childrens' emotional needs coz he's too busy being a mummy's boy?

Anyhoo,  I know you will conduct yourself with dignity and wear your pink with pride.  I think Sue's advice of pink elastoplast is brilliant!

Good luck mate,  hope it goes okay and speak soon.
S
x

Offline skittle

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Re: The curious circumstance of funerals of your ex's family.....
« Reply #6 on: September 30, 2009, 10:59:54 PM »
For what its worth, think you are doing the right thing taking the tripettes to their grandmother's funeral and also supporting them while there.  Maybe it is what your ex wants, but I also have no doubt you are the one person that G,T and E want close by their side.

Love to you all  xx
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Offline Paul

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Re: The curious circumstance of funerals of your ex's family.....
« Reply #7 on: October 01, 2009, 12:24:25 AM »
My condolences to all concerned!

Do the kids really want to go to the funeral! I only went to my first one at 14yrs.....

Yes he will be upset but surly he can still look after the kids?
Looking at the past must only be a means of understanding more clearly what and who they are so that they can more wisely build the future.” ― Paulo Freire

Offline Trip

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Re: The curious circumstance of funerals of your ex's family.....
« Reply #8 on: October 01, 2009, 12:32:41 AM »


You will get your reward in heaven or maybe the pub afterwards


Ahh! would that were true.  Staunch methodists, (and ex a recovering alchoholic) - there'll be no pop.  But on the good side I've found a really nice bunk barn for us to stay in which might make a good SWK venue, its got camping too - I'll report back!  

 ;D
if the only reason the ex wants them there is to show them off, then there's no good reason for them to go.


I did think of that John, and in part I know ex will "show them off" (as if he has had any part in making them who they are ?? and yes, that will definately make my skin crawl.  hence the elastoplast) but on reflection, the only reason I am prepared to do this is because I am increasingly of the opinion, as the days go by this week, that it will help the children to get Grandmas death into perspective, help them with closure, and help them feel part of that wider but absent family.....

Sorry to hear that the inevitable arrived,  hope the trips are doing okay and am glad for them that they had this summer holiday down there at an age where there memories will persist.


Odd that.  it would seem Grandma knew the mets were there but had kept it from everyone, wanting to have a last "normal" summer.  Hence the very odd decision to give them a birthday present in August for their birthday in November - she knew she might not see it.  All the more reason that I am thankful I was able to rise above past (and some current) hurts form ex and go quite a bit out of my way to make that 10 day hol in Cornwall with Grandma etc happen....

and yes Paul, the children want to go (they are almost 12), their similar aged cousins will also be there and the funeral is informal with most of it happening on the beach (and every one dressed in Pink...tsk)

Trip
I still miss my ex husband.........but my aim is improving !

Offline Ian (not Hislop)

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Re: The curious circumstance of funerals of your ex's family.....
« Reply #9 on: October 01, 2009, 12:34:09 AM »
When my ex father-in-law died earlier this year, E went with her mum and I made my own arrangements to get to the funeral, it was down in Devon.

E's older(14) which makes things a lot easier, she wanted to go and support her mum. We both went to see the him in hospital just after he died, I think it was important that E went to the funeral for her own closure.
 
What was awkward is that the exes boyfriend was there, who I obviously don't like. I stayed in the background and after the burial I went to the grave alone and payed my respects. What was strange was seeing the rest of my exes family together and me being on the outside looking in at their grief.

Hope it all goes as well as it can considering the circumstances.


Offline Trip

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Re: The curious circumstance of funerals of your ex's family.....
« Reply #10 on: October 12, 2009, 03:32:44 PM »
we went, we returned, we earned brownie points...

It was a very nice funeral - oddly enough the pink theme really worked well!!  I blasted out a rolliking recital of "All things Bright and Beautiful", the kids held it all together and behaved impecably and worked the room of distant rellys like old pros whilst I hovered seemingly invisible in the background - whatever the funeral equivalent of "spare part at a wedding" is, I was it !!

...and yes I did have to choke back a heave to hear the children refered to as "these are Exs three"  or ex saying "have you met my children...havent they grown" (yes they have...and you havent been there to see a minute of it or put so much as a crumb in their mouths.....calm calm calm).

the  :-X worked well - only one slip, but I think I got away with it ;D

absolutly stunned to overhear ex regaling the assembled distant rellys with anecdotes of our wedding 17  YEARS AGO!!!!.  Weve been divorced 10 yrs ...has nothing good happened to him since..

but my main reason for posting was something that ex did with the kids.  He came to our house 2 days before the wedding with a bunch of photos and involved the children with picking out photos of grandma throughout her life, pics with the children, some without, some from the family archive answering all questions as they arose about grandma, about the family history in a way that I couldn't (I don't know half of it and the other half I have a jaundiced view of)  They made it all into an album that was on display at the wake afterwards..

I do hate to give ex ANY praise, but it was a really good and thoughtful thing to do ...the kids really got a lot out of it and had lots of fresh memories to share with others at the funeral.  Thought I'd share in case of use to any facing similar soon..

a VERY ODD weekend though  :-\

Trip
x

I still miss my ex husband.........but my aim is improving !

Offline Silky

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Re: The curious circumstance of funerals of your ex's family.....
« Reply #11 on: October 12, 2009, 06:05:45 PM »
...and yes I did have to choke back a heave to hear the children refered to as "these are Exs three"  or ex saying "have you met my children...havent they grown" (yes they have...and you havent been there to see a minute of it or put so much as a crumb in their mouths.....calm calm calm).


Brownie points? Trip your halo is being polished up for you right now !!  :)  You really do have the patience of a saint at times and I don't know how you held back from the odd quip at your ex, but well done girl !

Bet you looked so pretty in pink too..... ;)

Silky x
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Offline Trip

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Re: The curious circumstance of funerals of your ex's family.....
« Reply #12 on: October 13, 2009, 08:37:10 AM »
.  He came to our house 2 days before the wedding with a bunch of photos and involved the children with picking out photos of grandma throughout her life, x



oops! bit of a slip there..."wedding " should of course have read "Funeral"

"wedding" "funeral".....same difference really  ;D

Trip
x
I still miss my ex husband.........but my aim is improving !

Offline Ellyb

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Re: The curious circumstance of funerals of your ex's family.....
« Reply #13 on: October 13, 2009, 09:18:57 AM »
Glad it went okay, i had a similar situation in summer, and its not easy, but you do feel happy for making the effort afterwards.

Offline Kewcumber

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Re: The curious circumstance of funerals of your ex's family.....
« Reply #14 on: October 13, 2009, 09:56:17 AM »
What a model of calm and serenity you must have been!

I face a similar but different issue.  My grandmother is still going strong at 95 but obviously isn;t going to keep going for ever.  When it comes to the funeral, I will be meeting my father in the flesh for the first time in 12years+ (he's never met DS),  I've started practicing not openly calling him a useless sharp scratch with a needle now so as to not to wreck the funeral... perhaps I could take deportment lessons from you Trip?

Sue

 

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