Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?
 

Author Topic: Our Stories  (Read 7158 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Silky

  • Administrator
  • beyond all hope !
  • *****
  • Posts: 11,196
  • Gender: Female
Our Stories
« on: November 20, 2008, 09:03:04 PM »
We all have our own story as to how we arrived at the point we're currently at and I thought it might provide some hope and inspiration for newly separated/ bereaved posters if we could all add our stories to the one thread.  Let's keep this free of chit chat or tangents (HellsBells !!!) but make it just a simple chain of stories of where we were, where we've been and where we are now.  Let's keep the same format The Start,  The End, The Now  (or as far of this as you've currently achieved)

Guess I'd best begin...

The Start
I met my ex after coming out of a 10 year relationship with a childhood sweetheart, someone I loved dearly but unfortunately only like a brother. M. was the complete antithesis to his predecessor, and so very wrong for me, but the appeal was in the difference (as well as the looks!).  We had ups and downs from the start but project after project kept us together, the house, the garden, having babies, suddenly when there were no projects......eek !  Also, the product of a very violent upbringing, I really believe my ex is incapable of holding down a relationship. He would treat me like something the cat dragged in whilst being charming to everyone else,  I still remember tears burning my eyes on one particular occasion when we were out with friends and he'd called me a "stupid cow".

The End
Enough was enough in 2005, and after many a warning he realised there was no way forward for us.  We continued to live together for 8 months and it was a living hell, eventually he moved out and I broke my heart - both out of relief, but also guilty, despite his bad behaviour over the years I still felt consumed with sadness that the happy family he'd always yearned for was breaking up, and he had to leave the home he loved.

I was a complete wreck at this point, not helped by the fact I had absolutely no one to talk to - "friends" suddenly doing a disappearing act, apart from a few stalwarts who didn't really understand. I spent my evenings and nights in tears, every car journey was through tear filled eyes and the lowest point ever came on a car journey one evening just to clear my head. I remember driving on a quiet motorway junction thinking just how easy it would be to just drive over the edge just at that point and it would be much easier for everyone. Thank God that thought lasted only minutes but it was enough to shock myself into reality - even now I fill up just thinking of how low I actually felt at that point.

The Now
I still feel sorry for my ex, I don't believe he's moved on as well as I have.  Ok, life will never be a bed of roses as a working mum or a single parent, but I'm happy, the kids are balanced, I have a lovely new set of friends and I love my independence. I've also found someone who means the world to me and would never, ever call me names or treat me with such disdain.

The change didn't happen overnight, but I concentrated on rebuilding my social life - initially through a group called Spice who run adult social and adventure events. I had a social life that was the envy of my friends and I realised I was actually beginning to enjoy life and look forward to the next event.

Richard then SWK followed and I've got to say I'm "loving it" and the past, where I would spend months on end with swollen, blood shot eyes really is a "foreign country".

Silky x
A positive mental attitude may not solve all your problems but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort"

Offline LCSS

  • SWK Member
  • part of the furniture
  • *****
  • Posts: 1,568
  • Gender: Female
Re: Our Stories
« Reply #1 on: November 20, 2008, 09:07:47 PM »
Not there yet. Not even close.

Offline SM2

  • SWK Member
  • beyond all hope !
  • *****
  • Posts: 7,269
  • Gender: Female
Re: Our Stories
« Reply #2 on: November 20, 2008, 09:23:59 PM »
Now do I base this on becoming a single mum to each of my children or just the situation now?

Offline Janet O

  • SWK Member
  • trainee
  • *****
  • Posts: 280
  • Gender: Female
Re: Our Stories
« Reply #3 on: November 20, 2008, 09:29:21 PM »
Hi
This is a good idea Silky - cathartic
I was with my ex for 23 years and put up with being spoken to very rudely, he disapeared whenever he wanted to, holidayed on his own, lost job after job, ran up enormous debrts that had to be cleared by selling the house at one stage; had internet flings; basically a bad egg although we did have some short periods of bliss - usually when he was pretending to be a responsible adult. Eventually - far to late - I called a halt - he then told me he was in ++++ debt again and needed to be paid out for his share of the house - I paid him out 30%. We got back together even though he had moved out - mainly because I wanted to be a "family" 1 year later after threatening to take me to court - I paid him out the other 20% of the house - since then we split - he moved and no maitanence or regular visits with the children or anything. I only put off the inevitable - and the destructive relationship really did affect the children although they are coming right now.
Our last break up was this January - tears abounded and then I discovered SWK - cannot tell you how much this helped

Offline Janet O

  • SWK Member
  • trainee
  • *****
  • Posts: 280
  • Gender: Female
Re: Our Stories
« Reply #4 on: November 20, 2008, 09:31:47 PM »
LCSS - hope you feel that you can get help here - anyone will be happy to chat/PM/phone if you need a shoulder or a vent
Janet

Offline Silky

  • Administrator
  • beyond all hope !
  • *****
  • Posts: 11,196
  • Gender: Female
Re: Our Stories
« Reply #5 on: November 20, 2008, 09:49:25 PM »
Now do I base this on becoming a single mum to each of my children or just the situation now?

On whatever you feel is most poignant - go for the highlights / lowlights of your experiences.

Silky x
A positive mental attitude may not solve all your problems but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort"

Offline JustRuby

  • beyond all hope !
  • *****
  • Posts: 3,732
  • Gender: Female
Re: Our Stories
« Reply #6 on: November 20, 2008, 10:03:01 PM »
The Start

I got married when i was 19, far too young and far too naive and after staying in an abusive relationship with this man for 3.5years. My best mate gave me an escape route and i took it with both hands.  I left him and within a few months I met my daughters father. we became firm friends and never entered into a relationship until after about a year. He was absolutely everything my husband wasn't charming, kind, gentle, a salve for a bruised body and soul. I became pregnant after a very short relationship and that was the beginning of the end.

The end

After i told him i was pregnant, he decided to not speak to me a few weeks. It was easy for him as i had moved back home to live with my mother. When he finally came arond he apologised but said he didn't want a relationship We carried on like this for weeks he'd phone me, ask how i was blah blah blah. After C was born it took him 3 weeks to see her and he seemed like he was going to be a good dad, he promised to come and see her the following month and we never saw him again for a year. after months of chasing him for child support I contacted the airforce(hes also american) and was told that he'd left the country!!! so cut a long story short they got him back over here and he denied being her dad so i was forced to take her to suffolk for a DNA test which was a complete waste of time cos there had never been any doubt. About 6 months after this when C was about 3 he sent me a letter which said that he was married, had been for 6 years and he had a son by his wife who was only 3 weeks older than Caitlin!! I was humiliated and it was after this i decided that as I could no longer rely on anyone else and knuckled down to being a mum. not surprisingly he hasn't seen Caitlin in 3 years but because he pays child support every month (he has to - he is paid by the airforce to do this) he still believes he is a good dad.

The Now

Well I have moved on loads since then. I know this sounds daft but i don't feel angry towards him. he has lost out on more than he will ever know. I feel some pity for him possibly but thats it. I feel nothing else. I filled my life with people who care what happens to me and Cailtin. However that said, i haven't been able to trust any man since this and this is why i have been single since we broke up. I am happy being single but lots of people arond me are not happy about this, they think that Caitlin needs a 'dad' i think she just needs to be happy!! with me she is. My social life isn't that active and that is probably why i've joined SWK to remedy that, am looking forward to being 30 in January and the future. the only way is up i guess. Since my friend passed on 2 weeks ago I have been given a kick up the backside. I intend not to let her down and take the chances that she would have been screaming at me to take.    
To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world....

Offline The Naughtiest Girl

  • beyond all hope !
  • *****
  • Posts: 11,319
  • Gender: Female
Re: Our Stories
« Reply #7 on: November 20, 2008, 10:06:03 PM »
Absolutely Ruby, you grab life and when all the gorgeous wonderful SWK men ask you out, you go!!

I am so glad you have a positive way of keeping your mate with you

Rach
xx
Courage is looking fear right in the eye and saying " Excuse me, get the hell out of my way, I have things to do "

monkeys mom

  • Guest
Re: Our Stories
« Reply #8 on: November 20, 2008, 10:26:50 PM »
The Start
After breaking up from a 6 year relationship with a wonderful man I was engaged to (different career paths pulled us apart and we never fought hard enough to keep it together) I hit 30 and wondered if a career was really what I wanted as I was a director then. My husband C came along and within 2 months had sat down got the remote and moved in. A year later we married and I fell pregnant on honeymoon.

The End
The minute the ring was on my finger he got violent, even abusive on honeymoon abroad making me walk feet behind him in front of all the open bars hurling insults at his new wife infront of all the people sitting outside. He locked me out the room and I spent most of the night on the floor on the landing. It got worse from there onwards especially as he was a drinker and I fled at 5 months pregnant to my parents in just my pjs with my dog and 2 pairs of pants and a toothbrush. I had a black eye, swollen cheek and a bleeding ear. the next morning I went back. My dog took the brunt of it after that and I couldn't protect her as I was pregnant and he knew all I could do was scream hysterically, weep and feel even more of a failure - the lower I got the more he gloated. I cleaned his dinners up he'd throw on the floor and mended the things he broke in rage in the home. My dog went to live with relatives and I quit the career I loved. I had no money of my own, no friends and I was no longer anything like the girl I remembered. Then my son was born and what I couldnt do for me I could for him and when my son was 2 weeks old I had C arrested for threatening to kill me. He was released on bail and I paid him 1/2 my house to never come back. 

The Now
I needed money and didn't want to leave my son so it gave me the kick to set up my own business which I still do but also work part time to keep a regular income. I have worked with a local refuge and found comfort from so many. Best of all I found my smile and am more like me again. I joined SWK as I wanted to build a social life for me and my son but also because I had just come out of a relationship (the only one since marriage) and wanted to know how others managed dating with being a parent. Its only in the last month that I can honestly say I have found peace and happiness and what I want is what I've got, if I get more in life then great. Currently my ex has resurfaced this year when I filed for divorce and decided he now wants to see our son so I am fighting this but SWK has been there for me in so many ways and the very special people I have met on here have been strong for me when I have had nothing left to give. xxx

karenb

  • Guest
Re: Our Stories
« Reply #9 on: November 20, 2008, 11:38:29 PM »
The Start

Met my husband when we were 18 married 3 years later and had 3 beautiful children after 14 years of marriage my husband had an affairr and I asked him to leave although I think we were very different people and I and started to question if i loved him still i was devastated and decided to move to england to start a new life for me and the children. Met someone a year later and was in a relationship for approx. 4 years but ended for several reasons 1 he wanted children and I was determined never to have anymore after seeing the effect family separation had on my 3 children and also I never ever again wanted to be in such a vulnerable position I had been when my marriage split so always kept a large part of myself back. In 2004 my son died suddenly at 17 years of age I felt my life had come to an end but realised that I still had 2 beautiful daughters and I owed it to them to pull myself together and get on with life. In 2006 I met Nathans dad who couldn't do enough for me and I fell in love very quickly moved into his house and trusted him tototally to the extent that I allowed him to pull my house down to the stone walls. Loved his children and believed the whole we are building a life together I was taking the mini pill but fell pregnant he said he was delighted and infact insisted on all the family being told when I was only 6 weeks . He worked half the week away from home and as my pregnancy advanced his mobile was always switched off after 6 in the evening, then he came up with this plan that I should sell my house which he had valued whilst I was away visiting family and move to wales to be near 2 of his children.The last month of my pregnancy I was stressed and very worried underneath I knew something was really wrong but was in such a vulnerable position my house at this stage unlivable no electric or water a building site really on maternity pay. When Nathan was born by emergency caesar I lost a lot of blood and had a Hb of 7 but a week after he was born I was being taken around houses in wales and being persuaded what aperfect family life we would have if we used the equity in my house to buy a family home. Seven weeks after Nathan was born and a day after eventually moving back into my house found theatre tickets in his pocket when doing the washing realised that he was seeing someone else because I was back home I confronted him and discovered he was living a double life and had got another woman pregnant the week Nathan was born.Asked him to leave and then discovered by talking to peeople who knew him that basically he had been unfaithful to all his previous partners I was left feeling used and a total idiot but luckily still had my home and my children and good friends.

The next few months were extremely anxiety filled not knowing how I was going to ever manage working fulltime and bring up a baby on my own I would be intears everyday

Discovered swk 6 months later and life has just got better and better I have made so many good friends shared laughs,cried with them and admired them for all they have been through and yet are always there to help others. I have also met my best friend through swk's who is always there for me and Nathan and will be eternally grateful for swk bringing him into my life.

Karen

Offline Sharon J

  • beyond all hope !
  • *****
  • Posts: 5,724
  • Gender: Female
  • Happy, Happy, Happy.
Re: Our Stories
« Reply #10 on: November 21, 2008, 09:11:56 AM »
The Start
I met my ex in May 1996 on a drunken night out with my mates, he asked for my number and just assumed he would never call, He called the next day and arranged for him to pick me up that night.  When he knocked on my front door and I opended it......for me it was pure love at first sight and I just knew that I was going to marry this man.  Call it womens intuition but I just knew. 2 years later we married and I have to admit that I had a lovely, happy marriage. We tried for 3 years to get pregnant which was quite stressful, alongside that we had problems with his first wife and contact with his son, but we just ticked along and I was happy.
On Feb 11th 2005 we went away for the weekend and he walked out of my life on Sat 12th Feb and thats when my world fell apart. There were lies and unbelievable stories coming from him but to cut to the chase he had been having an affair.


The End
Lots of heartache along the way, finally got my divorce on 22nd Dec 2006 and made it my xmas present to myself for that year. We have tried to reconcile on a few occassions and those of you that have read my other posts will know that this happened again only recently.  This last attempt has now allowed me to finally close the book, not just a chapter of my life but the whole book on my past life with him.

The Now
Well what can I say.........THE NOW is brighter, I am a much happier person and feel somedays like I have stepped back in time 10 years but now I have the added bonus of my beautiful daughter. No one knows what the future will bring and we can only make the most of what we have. My social life has improved 100%, I have made some fantastic friends (for life!).Everyone has there bad days and I suppose we just have to deal with them the best we can.  I can happily say that I am content within my own skin (although do need to shed a few pounds!) I am content with my LIFE FULL STOP !
 
Keep smiling xx

carrier72

  • Guest
Re: Our Stories
« Reply #11 on: November 22, 2008, 09:16:34 PM »
The start.
We met whilst both training to be teachers in September 2000. At first we were just mates and neither of us particularly fancied the other, but as we got to know each other, things began to change. He asked me out in Feb 2001 and we were living together by the May and married the following April. I was pregnant within 4 months and we had a beautiful baby girl. She was followed in 4 years by another beautiful girl. We had some very happy times, and I can say that I truly loved him deeply and that he was my best friend for a long time.

The end
We both did things wrong in the marriage - were both workaholics and took each other for granted. I felt unappreciated and unloved as I am sure he did, and we were both critical and negative to each other at times - although we were still having some good times too. I had post-natal depression too and needed more support and love than he could give me. I guess this is a common enough story - we had a young kid, were both working and knackered and money wasn't exactly flowing. I had a miscarriage and he had a 'fling' with another woman, who was helping him deal with his emotions towards the miscarriage and how I was feeling. I 'forgave' him and we tried to carry on, but I could not trust him and I felt that he never really understood what he did to my self-esteem or tried to make up for the damage by showing me how much he loved me - I got plenty of words, but no action. We continued to deteriorate and eventually when our youngest was 6 months old (last December) he told me that he no longer loved or wanted to be with me. I was devastated.  We had talked about separation, but for me, it was never seriously - more fool me!! Anyway, the next couple of weeks he was walking around like he was on cloud nine and kept going out for 'space' and hiding his phone - which he had always left lying around. I kept asking him if there was someone else, which he denied, and it was only on Christmas day when I found jewellery for another woman, that I found out he had someone else!  (Apparently 'she' had helped him so much, that he had felt compelled to buy her a present to say thanks, while I got a cra**y book!!) Not that I'm bitter or anything!!  :-[

The now
Well, I was doing a lot better - getting out lots, although still reeling from the pain if I thought about it all too much, and was even seeing someone for a couple of months, but with Christmas coming up and some recent texts from him saying how sorry he is for hurting me (but he's still happy with his new gf and has no regrets!!) it has become a lot fresher than it had been. But I know that it won't last, and I will feel fine again one day. I also see him for the person he is - and it's not a very nice sight. I know that I am far better off without him and I have worked hard to re-build my life and confidence since he left. I am just focusing on doing the very best I can for my girls, enjoying life as much as possible and making the most of superb family and friends.

Offline Wendylou

  • trainee
  • **
  • Posts: 346
  • Gender: Female
Re: Our Stories
« Reply #12 on: November 22, 2008, 09:43:16 PM »
The Start

I met my ex while working in a hospital in London in 1999.  He was the one who did all the chasing and used to hide whenever I saw him coming even though he was gorgeous!  He was always making plans for our future together, kids, a house etc. et.c  Things were great for a while until he lost his job and I ended up having to keep both of us.  Then I fell pregnant in 2000 and he completely changed.  I was really upset when I found out I was pregnant, it was the worst thing that could ever have happened to me, kids were never part of my plan. 

The End

It all fell apart pretty much from the day I told him I was pregnant.  I know he was also seeing other women behind my back and was into drugs and was in trouble with the police.  He never came to any antenatal classes or offered any support which was really difficult as my parents didn't actually speak to me for 3 months when I told them I was pregnant so I was stuck in London with no family but fortunately had really good friends and work colleagues who were very supportive.  When my parents did come round to the idea my mum was really good and came with me for one of my scans where I found out I was having a girl.  Anyway to cut a long story short, I moved back to my parents in North Wales 3 weeks before I was due loaded with furniture and a load of debt thanks to my ex.  The morning after having my daughter I even phoned my ex to tell him I'd had her and he did come up 3 months later to meet his daughter.  Then it all went down hill as the CSA got involved as I wasn't working at the time.  He decided that she couldn't be his as he'd had 3 boys previously (!) and wanted a DNA test to prove she was his.  Anyway the DNA test didn't go ahead and we've never heard anything from him since apart from 2 years ago when out of the blue I received a letter to say he was in prison and he wanted to give it another go!  They were obviously trying to rehabilitate him but I wasn't prepared to take him on again after finally straightening my life out.

The Now

I now have a beautiful daughter who will be 8 next month, despite me hating my ex I am grateful to him for giving me my daughter who I am extremely proud of.  I know that one day she will probably want to meet him and I will always be there to help her.  She does ask questions about him which I answer as honestly as a 7 year old needs to hear and will never disrespect him to her as she never did anything wrong.  I am a much stronger person after all the crap I took from him and will never let anyone treat me like that again.  Sadly I'm still in debt up to my neck thanks to him but hey ho, I was stupid enough to give him the money and have learnt from that mistake. 

Finding SWK at the beginning of the year was the best thing that could ever have happened to us, I just wish it had been there 8 years ago!!  I still use my daughter as my safety blanket though, I find it very difficult to go out on my own with people I don't know that well but I'm sure in time I will find the courage to do so. 

sapphire

  • Guest
Re: Our Stories
« Reply #13 on: November 22, 2008, 10:57:01 PM »
.
« Last Edit: May 11, 2011, 01:01:56 PM by sapphire »

Offline Wendylou

  • trainee
  • **
  • Posts: 346
  • Gender: Female
Re: Our Stories
« Reply #14 on: November 23, 2008, 03:18:29 AM »
Thank you Sapphire.  We've had a lovely year thanks to SWK and met some fantastic people. Here's to next year and to more cream teas :) :)

Offline Flower37

  • SWK Member
  • beyond all hope !
  • *****
  • Posts: 3,749
  • Gender: Female
Re: Our Stories
« Reply #15 on: November 23, 2008, 09:17:17 AM »
The Start

Met my ex is April 1995.  We were both 'on the run' from bad past experiences and rescued each other really.  We were both really needy and didn't want to face what had happened to us previously. Anyway we got engaged in Feb 96...(he was drunk...and then he threw up -pleasant!) and we got wed in Aug 96.  The first few years were good, but then I started to uncover things that he had told me that were huge lies.....he made it worse for himself by attempting to lie his way out of it.  He has always professed he did this to 'protect me' from things because he loved me so much....that was his fatal mistake.  As a 'take me as you find me' person I am not motivated by money or status...and I think he felt (due to his upbringing) he had to make out he was really better than he was.  Kids followed...followed by two lots of Post Natal Depression - Emily nearly died on us twice, and my dad dies suddenly in 2000 and all that took its toll.  It drove us apart rather than pulled us together.

The End

Nov 2005 (just over 3 years ago) I was uncovering all sorts of deceit.  The beginning of the end really was some rather choice sex texts to someone from work.  He claimed it was 'just a joke' but I showed him the door.  This was followed by 7 months of him coming and going.  There were more new leaves turned over in that period to fill a bleeding tree!   But it was never going to work.  We went on a holiday to Spain in June as a last attempt to sort things out, but I knew after that that it was over and filed for divorce in July 06. He didn't want it to end and didn't leave untill the end of August, so we had a nightmare summer of him sleeping on the sofa and trying to come to terms with it all.  I won't go into detail here but it wasn't nice. I understand in reflecting back on it that his world was crumbling around him...but it wasn't a nice thing to go through.  He eventually got a place to rent and moved out the last week of August 06.

The Now

3 years since he first left I feel stronger than I have ever been. I have more of a social life and more friends than I ever have had in my entire life.  I have learned to laugh again - and I mean really laugh till your eyes are streaming.  The friends I have made through SWK are here for keeps.  The ex has moved on, he is engaged and lives with his new partner and they seem to be happy.   The kids are settled and now have 2 parents who are smiling rather than two warring ones. My relationship with my ex is sometimes strained to say the least as there is still a lot of bitterness on his part, but i think just recently things maybe settling down at long last.  I don't hold any anger towards him,I just want him to be happy.  We all deserve that.  Then I was happily plodding along on my own with the girls and 3 weeks ago someone from this site walked into my life and rocked it big time!  :) I feel truly blessed to have my girls, my family, my friends and now the added bonus of someone really special (and his 3 monkeys!)  I am looking forward to the future with open arms.  I don't regret my past because i wouldn't be who I am today - and for the first time in my life I actually like me, and am proud of who I am... :)
xxxxx

Offline lancslass

  • SWK Member
  • trainee
  • *****
  • Posts: 849
  • Gender: Female
Re: Our Stories
« Reply #16 on: November 23, 2008, 01:54:40 PM »
Well after not getting on here as much as some of you, it is really nice to find the time to sit and read all of your experiences, no matter how horrid some of them are.
All the people I have met this year through SWK have been amazing lovely people and Ben and I are looking forward to 2009, to loads more trips and meeting even more fab SWK'ers!!
IF YOU ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU'VE ALWAYS DONE, YOU'LL ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU'VE ALWAYS GOT!!!

Offline Silky

  • Administrator
  • beyond all hope !
  • *****
  • Posts: 11,196
  • Gender: Female
Re: Our Stories
« Reply #17 on: December 16, 2015, 09:59:08 AM »
Just reading a few old posts on here and wonder how so many of these stories developed. Some I know, others not....

Where were you in 2008 and where are you now?

My kids are now 14 and 15, happy, loving and avoiding teenage tantrums though excel at eye rolling (usually at each other). They have a 4 year old brother from dad and his partner who have sadly recently split. Fortunately the relationship is now amicable with my ex. The shared access, 50/ 50 has carried on for years and still works as well as it did.

Personally I've been in a new relationship for a couple of years which is working really well - but on the basis that I don't need someone, but they're more of the icing than the cake. I did find I loved my own company and having my own space.  This year has presented a couple of challenges work wise and health wise (a cancer diagnosis which has fortunately now been sorted) but I've got to say I'm in a happy place.

I hope the years in between have treat others well?

Silky x
A positive mental attitude may not solve all your problems but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort"

Offline monkeys mom

  • Administrator
  • trainee
  • *****
  • Posts: 715
  • Gender: Female
Re: Our Stories
« Reply #18 on: December 16, 2015, 10:45:14 AM »
I'm finding it really therapeutic to catch up on old threads - seems so long ago that I joined and SWK was really the turning point.

The court battle played out and the ex has never been heard of since. Although I've heard he's married with kids now.

Few changes in career and now finally settled.

Biggest change was deciding to take a break from dating and focus on me by doing a degree. Getting over a health scare and with the support of my aunt before she passed away I signed up for open university in 2011 and finally finished last month. It was really tough with work, child and running a home but proud to have achieved it.

Now feel like I'm back to me long before marriage and a baby.... looking forward to the next chapter.
Sometimes when you give up on someone, its not because you don't care but because you realise that they don't.

Offline Silky

  • Administrator
  • beyond all hope !
  • *****
  • Posts: 11,196
  • Gender: Female
Re: Our Stories
« Reply #19 on: December 16, 2015, 12:29:48 PM »
I wish more of us had put up our stories here back in 2008 to be honest, it would have been very therapeutic for anyone just starting off on the journey.  I must admit, I would never ever go back to life as it was pre-divorce and have absolutely loved the years inbetween despite the odd curved ball.

I wonder what we'll be posting up in the next 7 years?

Silky x
A positive mental attitude may not solve all your problems but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort"

Offline Crazy Joe

  • newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 9
  • Gender: Male
Re: Our Stories
« Reply #20 on: December 21, 2015, 11:52:11 PM »
The Start
I had just turned 30 and wondered whether I would ever find someone.  Most of my formative years …teens …twenties …had been spent with a father who didn't want me and then very domineering (dare I say it bullying) older brothers.  I escaped and found myself; went to university and found me a wife and it was good.  But it was always a bit one-sided: I gave and she told me it wasn’t enough.  She had mood swings and a fierce temper and I thought that it was because of me, so I tried to adjust me.  Trouble is I didn’t really know what it was supposed to be like.  I only had my parents to go on …and they weren’t good role models.  So I thought my own marriage was kinda how it worked.  There were plenty of good times and I became a stronger me within the relationship and I became primary carer to our 4 children …but right from the start, I walked on eggshells.

The End
We were together for 20 years.  The end probably started in the first few weeks we were together.  The signs were certainly there.  But I ploughed on because I thought that was what I should do.  We were ‘in love’ and that’s what people in love do; they stick by each other.  We had a lot of good times over the years.  But somewhere along the way, the good times stopped and all that was left was the eggshells.  We went to a relationship counsellor and the bitterness and anger that came out of my wife blew me away.  I didn't see it coming.  The thing that really threw me was that our history was rewritten and all the good times were re-described as bad times.  It was difficult to understand.  The killer blow was that she very angrily described me as a controlling and manipulating bully …and even now, 2 or 3 years on, she still holds on to that one.

All of the strength and confidence that I’d gained from our marriage was ripped from me and all I had left was guilt and shame and confusion.  None of it made sense.  If I was the ogre she painted me as, why did she leave our children with me?  How could all the good bits suddenly be denied?  Why was there nothing I could do to make anything better?  None of it made sense.  But me and the children are very happy and thriving and we just carried on …and there is a lot less shouting in the house now.

The Now
I have been seeing a counsellor for the past year; trying to make sense of it all.  I have 2 sons on the autistic spectrum and I probably understand my wife (now that I don't 'care') better than I ever did when we were together.  She is almost certainly undiagnosed Aspergers; still unpredictable and as quick to flash as she ever was, but I am better placed to cope with it now.  And without the stress of the eggshells, I am able to focus on the children and even starting to notice me again.

On a bad day – and there are a few of those – I am an unsaleable, overweight, balding, 52 year old man with four dependent children (two with additional needs) and a full time job; resigned to being on my own for the foreseeable future and just doing the best job I can and surviving whatever each day throws at me.

On a good day – and there are plenty of those – I am a damned good dad, who is not just surviving, but thriving, in really difficult circumstances.  Eighteen months ago, I cried a lot.  Now I laugh a lot.  I spend an hour a day on the treadmill and have knocked (solitary) alcohol and (all) caffeine on the head and near doubled the amount of sleep I achieve each night.  Whatever tomorrow brings, I will deal with it.

Offline monkeys mom

  • Administrator
  • trainee
  • *****
  • Posts: 715
  • Gender: Female
Re: Our Stories
« Reply #21 on: December 22, 2015, 04:19:05 PM »
What an honest post. I hope you're able to look back on it down the line and again see how far you've come.

I have a son with aspergers and can relate to that part of your post in that I know can see clear traits in my ex which has helped me to make sense of things. He too accused me of being controlling but it transpired that he needed things done in a particular way and what he saw as me being 'controlling' was just me doing things in a way that didn't fit his way.

After doing a psychology degree I've spend a lot of time with kids on the spectrum and if you're into camping the kids would enjoy the outdoors and make loads of new friends (as would you). Good luck with the next chapter
MM
Sometimes when you give up on someone, its not because you don't care but because you realise that they don't.

Offline Crazy Joe

  • newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 9
  • Gender: Male
Re: Our Stories
« Reply #22 on: December 24, 2015, 05:35:02 PM »
Hmmm, I should probably read up on (broken) aspie marriages.  I didn't understand, at first, that the control thing was more to do with her perception, than my actions.  It means a lot to hear someone else saying the same; I'm still a bit nervous/embarrassed about the accusation.  Psychology degrees are cool!  I got one as well :)

 

Single Parent Holidays in the UK and Overseas. Single With Kids offers the widest range of breaks and holidays for single parents, from camping with kids and value breaks through to all inclusive overseas resorts and adventure holidays. Our destinations range from the Lakes through to Lapland, Center Parcs to Tunisia. All Single With Kids Holidays are in group settings with the focus on fun and friendship. Everyone is a single parent family with children aged from babies through to teenagers, and mums and dads from all backgrounds.*Single With Kids Ltd * Greg Street, Stockport SK5 7BR * Telephone 0845 166 8119 *



Copyright © 2014 Single with Kids.
All rights reserved.