I had a very traumatic experience on the 9th of may 2018 when I went in to have steroids two days before a planned caesarean section with a baby who had been healthy all the way through to suddenly be told from a quick scan his heart was no longer beating.
I had no idea what to feel, to do or how to be. I wanted to be alone and refused anyone to come. I wanted to keep on pretending that his eyes would open and that this had all been a mistake. I begged for hours for him to wake up but he never did. I cried for a very long time as the happiest moment turned into a nightmare I never saw coming. Just a day ago I had been smiling looking at summer onesies and talking to him unbeknown to me whilst he had already passed away in me, I had been smiling unaware and excited to meet him. I could not except that the week before he had been alive on the scan and now he had died. He would never open his eyes, never cry, never see anything in this world and there was absolutely nothing I could do to change that.
I held his lifeless body in my arms for two nights, and in the ice cot for two days. I just couldn't imagine letting him go, even now as I am forced to arrange and bury him I don't want to let him go, I don't want him to be alone and I don't want to ever leave my baby boy. He was 37 weeks, full and beautiful. He had nails, hair, a tooth, everything was so perfect, I cant let go of wanting him to come alive, to hear all the sounds, the cry I never heard, I wait everyday and when I hear a baby cry its cuts me inside, it hurts and I feel angry why my son had to go before he had even a foot on this earth.
I cant see myself getting over losing him, I will never stop wanting him and nothing can ever change that. He is/was my son and I will wish everyday to have him back. To remember his kicks, his movements inside but to feel guilty for I never held his hand when he needed me the most, visualising him inside me so desperately needing me and having no way of reaching out will torture me. I love him so very much and I want to apologise to him for not seeing he needed help, for not knowing and for not being able to save him from his suffering before he passed. I love you Kyan, my perfect Prince and you will always be remembered and alive.