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Author Topic: Should she live with her Dad?  (Read 2268 times)

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Offline ihateusernames

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Should she live with her Dad?
« on: January 15, 2017, 08:54:54 PM »
Hi all,
this is my first time on this forum so be gentle!  :) The thing is, I need the perspectives of other single mums or dads.  My husband and I split 5 years ago.  I got left holding the baby so to speak.  Due to him behaving in a fairly selfish way over the first couple of years he was able to maintain a social life and meet a new partner.  My life has been entirely about my daughter.  I suffer from severe depression and anxiety so bad that I sometimes can't leave the house.  Due to this I have not been able to hold down a job.  In fact it's got much worse over the last 3 years and I now find being around people so overstimulating that my brain completely shuts down. Due to this and being alone with my daughter my life has shrunk to nothing.  I am so unbelievably unhappy.  My daughter is now 6 and picking up on my mental health problems much more and it's causing her behaviour to be unmanageable at times.  She sees her dad much more now, in fact he has her 3 days out of 7 but I still can't seem to get back on my feet.  i feel like I'm failing at everything.  I can't do a thing about my depression because I don't respond to medication and the side effects are awful.  I see a counsellor once a week but I don't feel it's helping.  And I think the reason for this is because I'm unhappy and unfulfilled.  I have no support because my family are emotionally unavailable and fairly selfish people.  My friends have their own problems. 
 I think constantly about handing her over to her dad but I think it would damage her for life.  She has always been very very clingy to me. Even now, at 6, she can't cope with bedtime or handovers.  I've always put her first before everything, before my own life and happiness, because that's what I believe good mothers do. But now I'm frustrated, resentful, unhappy and angry. And my daughter is picking up on all of it.
 I just can't seem to get afloat no matter what I do.  I can't remember what it feels like to feel happy.  It feels like my life is over. I miss her so much when she's not here but when she is I want to pack a bag and run away. I keep thinking, if I just had a few weeks to get my life on track and put things in place to help me feel happier and more fulfilled it would be ok but I don't think it's an option.
 Am i damaging her by trying to struggle on? Should she go to her dad's?  Would she ever get over the abandonment or would she be forever fearful that I was going to disappear again? Is this just my life now? 

Any help or advice gratefully received.  Has anyone been in this situation and if so, what did you do?

Offline WT4

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Re: Should she live with her Dad?
« Reply #1 on: January 15, 2017, 09:26:00 PM »

Can I be frank?  Lady, you need to get yourself a life.

Start small.  Pick one thing for you, when she's at Dad's place, just one thing and go do it.  It really doesn't matter what it is.  The only important outcome is that you will decide whether to do it again or do something else.  Repeat.  If nothing else it will give you another topic of conversation with your daughter.

I hope someone with more experience pops by shortly.  In the meantime, let me wish you good luck.
Two things we give our children: roots & wings

Offline monkeys mom

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Re: Should she live with her Dad?
« Reply #2 on: January 16, 2017, 10:31:20 AM »
Hi  and welcome to the forum!
It sounds like you are in a downward spiral and there isn't a quick fix magical way to solve this. It sounds like your daughter has a great relationship with her dad and I'd continue to let that flourish. When she is with her dad you have 3 days to focus on you. What do you want your life to be like? Don't worry about others and their lives, be honest with your counsellor - if it isn't helping ask for someone else. Are you being given any techniques to help you pull out of this spiral?

Ultimately only you can do this. No matter what others may say, what others offer etc it is up to you to decide you want to be happy and have a great life with your daughter. I'd go back to the doctor too and say that medication hasn't worked and see what else they suggest.

Try going to the local park with your daughter - staying in isn't good for either of you. It can be really hard to mix socially when all you want to do is hide away and it takes all your energy just to get dressed and get through the day. Set small steps like walk to the shops or the park and write down what you achieved. Making a note of what you accomplished will help when you get low as you can read through that you CAN do it.

Have a look at local groups. What did you do before you had your daughter? did you enjoy music, dancing, learning new things? set goals and then break them down into small steps of how you will achieve them - just goal setting will allow you to feel that you are positively moving forward.

The greatest gift a parent can give a child (as well as time) is setting a positive example. You daughter can be anything she wants to do - the world is her oyster - teach her to try new things and together enjoy the simple things.

Be kind to yourself and keep talking
MM x
Sometimes when you give up on someone, its not because you don't care but because you realise that they don't.


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