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Author Topic: Is anyone dealing with a financially abusive ex?  (Read 3147 times)

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Offline Onyx

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Is anyone dealing with a financially abusive ex?
« on: October 14, 2016, 02:47:16 PM »
Just that really, it would be nice to chat to someone who's in a similar boat to me.
My STBX is still financially controlling me and I can't get the money I need for our children without a fight every time despite him being a very high earner, as he's abroad and I'm still waiting for child maintenance to kick in.
The next few months will be awful as he's due to return so wondered if I could find someone to hold my hand through it!

Offline The three of us

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Re: Is anyone dealing with a financially abusive ex?
« Reply #1 on: November 15, 2016, 01:36:33 PM »
I'm sorry to hear that. I have a financially abusive ex but rather than controlling my money, he stole from me systematically for years, taking money from my purse, withdrawing money with my bank card (finding out the code when I changed it), taking money from my safe (yes, I had to have one in my own home!) and even walking into the bank with a forged signature and persuading them to let him take money out of my account. I've ended up with a deep phobia of anything money-related and will be undergoing high-intensity CBT to try to sort my head out.
So, I don't think we've had very similar experiences but I wanted to reply and send you my thoughts because financial abuse is horrible. x

Offline monkeys mom

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Re: Is anyone dealing with a financially abusive ex?
« Reply #2 on: November 21, 2016, 10:49:31 AM »
Hi Onyx, it's horrible when the ex uses money to control the other partner and you're right to recognise it as abuse.

It's a bit quiet on the forum these days but I can pop this up as an anonymous question on the SWK page if you wish - you'll be able to see the responses and maybe message anyone who has been in a similar situation (or even going through it now) so you can get support.

Sometimes when you give up on someone, its not because you don't care but because you realise that they don't.

Offline jenniferpie

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Re: Is anyone dealing with a financially abusive ex?
« Reply #3 on: August 14, 2017, 05:31:30 PM »
In my experience a financially abusive ex will stay a financially abusive ex now matter how you behave.  The wealthier they are and especially if they work in finance or with money every day, the more abusive they will be (their wealth is after all what makes them what they are - their view, not yours).   They tend to think of the divorce as a trade where you were an asset and are now a liability.   They will not change. No matter how they come across this is their mind set.  Best to always deal with them as little as possible (don't get emotional - they get off on that), and just deal with them through the courts.   Most important thing is your children have a good relationship with both of you.   If you want to annoy your ex, be happy.   They will resent paying you, even if you are looking after the children brilliantly.  I met someone once and he told me he treats his ex like a nanny, that's how he gets over the idea he is paying out money.  "I pay her less than I would do a nanny." keep that in mind. Be civil and realise they never change and let your children appreciate the true value of money - as something to be nurtured and respected rather than something to be abused and used as a weapon.   


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