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Author Topic: Disappointed  (Read 2374 times)

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Offline Eils

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« on: July 02, 2016, 03:52:00 PM »
How do I avoid the surge of negative emotion I go through every time my child's father lets him down? From neglecting to pay for his football class despite being asked twice (in writing), to not even trying to make an effort to talk to him on the phone. It seems petty as I write but I waste so much energy being annoyed/angry with him. Can't help feeling this energy could be put to much better use! I have suggested organising a monthly date for him to come and visit but he has not responded. It would seem that he prefers having a general chat about work and life when he does call, always after my son's bedtime. When he does visit he opts to be of practical help around the house, which I do appreciate, or to be on his phone. When I point this out his reply is "I'm alright thanks." Maybe he doesn't know how to be a father, despite having three other children with another woman, all of which he hasn't seen for the last 15 years. I don't know but am getting past the point of caring about his viewpoint. I just want my son to have a positive relationship as he wants to know his dad and involve him in his life. But he gets let down a lot. Perhaps my expectations are too high? Would I be right to cut him off completely? How do I explain that to my 5 year old?
Any advice out there?

Offline Jen_Mum

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Re: Disappointed
« Reply #1 on: July 02, 2016, 04:16:19 PM »
Unfortunately you cant force your child's father to step up and be apart of his child life, when he calls you once your son has gone to bed maybe if he wants to talk about his life and work cut him off and say you are busy or something and he might get the hint. It sounds like he wont fully be part of his life so when your son is older he will make up his own mind. Hope this helps but stay strong you are doing all you can  ;)

Offline Happimamma

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Re: Disappointed
« Reply #2 on: July 10, 2016, 09:58:30 PM »
Hi Eils,

I have been where you are now and I can offer how I dealt with it in case it may help you -

I realised the following - I was bearing an emotional weight that I was never meant to bear. Everyone has a first responsibility to themselves unless they have a young child and then it is the child and then themselves (as I'm sure you know!) You have 50% responsibility to your child in every way and you decide how much of this responsibility you will undertake to fulfil - Like-wise your child's father decides how much of his 50% responsibility he will fulfil - You cannot make him fulfil any of it no matter what you try.

Like Jen-Mum say's when your little boy is older he will see each of his parent's for what they are, when they were there etc..

I let go,  It is not my responsibility to try to get another adult to fulfil their responsibilities.  I never tell people what to do but I do sometimes tell him what I expect.  Sometimes he say's he doesn't have the funds to pay maintenance this month and I say "Well, you have your responsibilities to your child to do so - If you don't pay, I am not going to beg you - It's up to you and your own conscience" and then I carry on, he walks round the block to have a think, returns and promises payment.

Another thing I did was to refuse to talk about our relationship and I always bring the subject back to the child because that is what his involvement is.  He say's "Here's your money" I say "Oh, you mean X's money - Thank-you"

You were never meant to carry the weight of his responsibilities on your shoulders.  Let go, Don't cut him off just let him do or don't  do and you will find that your child will take it in a matter of fact way.  If he say's "Why is Daddy not here?" say "I don't know but why don't we do........."

Hope that helps



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