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Author Topic: What's the best bit of advice you'd give?  (Read 6183 times)

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Offline Silky

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What's the best bit of advice you'd give?
« on: December 16, 2015, 12:46:00 PM »
What's the best bit of advice you'd give to anyone who's just starting out as a singe parent?  Even though some of us are way out of the 'emotional woods',  a glimpse back at old posts easily brings it all back....

Mine would be to try and rediscover who you are. I felt that the 18 year old me would have been unhappy at the position I was in, not the failed marriage essentially but the fact I was living out a role and sacrificing myself in doing so. So many of the hobbies and interests I'd had had been discarded. The freedom of finally being able to rediscover some of these (without someone moaning and whingeing ) really is addictive.

Silky x
A positive mental attitude may not solve all your problems but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort"

Offline Foggy

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Re: What's the best bit of advice you'd give?
« Reply #1 on: December 16, 2015, 01:13:00 PM »
I would say, initially, concentrate on the kids and making them feel safe and secure in their new family unit. They need your support and you need theirs -- work together :-)

Offline monkeys mom

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Re: What's the best bit of advice you'd give?
« Reply #2 on: December 16, 2015, 05:44:15 PM »
Be kind to yourself and get a good network of friends in place - juggling kids and a home is hard enough but throw in a relationship breakdown and financial issues and it's mega tough.

Some things have to slide and I agree focusing on the kids and working together is the priority. A good support network to listen, babysit and just be there (preferably with wine) is vital

MM x
Sometimes when you give up on someone, its not because you don't care but because you realise that they don't.

Offline Foggy

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Re: What's the best bit of advice you'd give?
« Reply #3 on: December 16, 2015, 06:21:21 PM »
Some things have to slide and I agree focusing on the kids and working together is the priority. A good support network to listen, babysit and just be there (preferably with wine) is vital

Oh yes, wine. I forgot wine (how could I ? )

Offline monkeys mom

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Re: What's the best bit of advice you'd give?
« Reply #4 on: December 16, 2015, 06:33:15 PM »
 ;D as long as your support network has wine you're OK  ;)
Sometimes when you give up on someone, its not because you don't care but because you realise that they don't.

Offline WT4

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Re: What's the best bit of advice you'd give?
« Reply #5 on: December 16, 2015, 09:21:23 PM »
The first thing I tell anyone subject to a life changing event ... and divorce/separation is certainly life changing ... do not make any life changing decisions for at least 12 months .. you are allowed to let stuff coast while you sort out the serious things.

Two things we give our children: roots & wings

Offline monkeys mom

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Re: What's the best bit of advice you'd give?
« Reply #6 on: December 16, 2015, 10:27:32 PM »
The first thing I tell anyone subject to a life changing event ... and divorce/separation is certainly life changing ... do not make any life changing decisions for at least 12 months .. you are allowed to let stuff coast while you sort out the serious things.

Agree that's kind of what I was saying, you take time to breathe .... But you missed the wine too  :)
Sometimes when you give up on someone, its not because you don't care but because you realise that they don't.

Offline Ms_wormwood

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Re: What's the best bit of advice you'd give?
« Reply #7 on: December 17, 2015, 06:03:28 AM »
Don't pretend all is OK when it isn't. Ask for help if you need it, and accept it when it is offered (this is a case of do as I say not as I do, but I'm getting better at it)
Onwards and upwards.

Offline Ms_wormwood

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Re: What's the best bit of advice you'd give?
« Reply #8 on: December 17, 2015, 06:04:53 AM »
The first thing I tell anyone subject to a life changing event ... and divorce/separation is certainly life changing ... do not make any life changing decisions for at least 12 months .. you are allowed to let stuff coast while you sort out the serious things.
Oh, so I shouldn't've moved countries then.
Onwards and upwards.

Offline WT4

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Re: What's the best bit of advice you'd give?
« Reply #9 on: December 17, 2015, 07:47:41 AM »
.... But you missed the wine too  :)

Wine ... is a given :)

Beer, not just a breakfast drink
Two things we give our children: roots & wings

Offline monkeys mom

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Re: What's the best bit of advice you'd give?
« Reply #10 on: December 17, 2015, 07:08:15 PM »
Don't pretend all is OK when it isn't. Ask for help if you need it, and accept it when it is offered (this is a case of do as I say not as I do, but I'm getting better at it)

Absolutely,  support is vital but I wish more people would have just been there instead of waiting to be asked because I'm rubbish at asking for help
Sometimes when you give up on someone, its not because you don't care but because you realise that they don't.

Offline Foggy

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Re: What's the best bit of advice you'd give?
« Reply #11 on: December 17, 2015, 09:40:59 PM »
Don't pretend all is OK when it isn't. Ask for help if you need it, and accept it when it is offered (this is a case of do as I say not as I do, but I'm getting better at it)

Absolutely,  support is vital but I wish more people would have just been there instead of waiting to be asked because I'm rubbish at asking for help

Must admit that my stock reply when asked how I am or how things are going is "Fine", when inside I am anything but !
Even at the moment, a few weeks after my dad has passed away I am still "Fine" !
Must try to let go of that !

Offline monkeys mom

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Re: What's the best bit of advice you'd give?
« Reply #12 on: December 17, 2015, 10:35:39 PM »
I'm sorry to hear about your dad passing away Foggy, it must be especially hard at this time of year.

I think we're programmed to display a 'fine' exterior yet would all perhaps benefit from letting the guard down. Not always easy as what if you actually did say (or could even put into words) how you actually felt.
MM
Sometimes when you give up on someone, its not because you don't care but because you realise that they don't.

Offline LAK

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Re: What's the best bit of advice you'd give?
« Reply #13 on: December 18, 2015, 07:29:39 AM »
Think of it as the beginning of your new life, keep the things you do that make you happy and bin the stuff that doesn't.

You have no-one to answer to so make your own rules and live your own life. 

Oh and go on holiday with SWK as that's the way to make lots of great new friends who accept you as you are and they'll only ever have known the 'new you'.
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Offline Silky

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Re: What's the best bit of advice you'd give?
« Reply #14 on: December 18, 2015, 04:08:11 PM »
So sorry to hear about your dad Foggy - and you really are allowed NOT to be fine under the circumstances. In fact grieving is vital, holding it back can make you ill.  The loss of a loved one is one of the most stressful situations in life, please go easy on yourself.

Silky x
A positive mental attitude may not solve all your problems but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort"

Offline CB2

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Re: What's the best bit of advice you'd give?
« Reply #15 on: December 20, 2015, 10:25:42 PM »
Join a local meet up group, make time for yourself

Enjoy doing what you want to do, when you want to do it.

Go on a SWK holiday

Focus on you and your children
Life is what you make it.

Offline Cushion Plumper

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Re: What's the best bit of advice you'd give?
« Reply #16 on: December 26, 2015, 01:45:03 PM »
Something I came across a year ago and really helped me to understand things or "see" things is when you have a Significant Emotional Event in your life and how it changes the order of your life.

When things are going well, or 'normal' we all have our list of priorities; they are our "cards" that we hold and we have them in an order.  So for some of us, our job may be our priority as the money we earn from this allows us to live the life we have.  For others, it could be their children, their health, their family.

Then along comes a Significant Emotional Event and all of our "cards" get dropped on the floor during the impact.  We quickly gather them up, but they are then in a different order and what was once our priority is no longer our priority and something else is there instead. 

My advice would be that it's important to recognise the impact of a S.E.E and how it changes our priorities and that we need to allow for those changes. 

One of the stories that helped with the explanation of this theory was of a man/father who worked long hours, was highly successful and earned a large salary.  His family had a great life style, but sadly his seven year old child was diagnosed with a terminal illness.  The man tried to carry on as normal as his wife coped with the hospital appointments, then one evening the child said to the father "will you still remember me after I've died daddy?"  The man explained that it was at that comment he realised he was not around enough for his family and that comment was his S.E.E.  He was distraught to think that his child could possibly think he would forget them.

He immediately took unpaid leave from his employment and told his boss that his family were now his No.1 priority over everything else.  After a while he returned to work on reduced hours and reduced money, but the luxuries in life were no longer high on his list of priorities either.

When you become a single parent it is a S.E.E and the order of your cards are bound to change.  Whatever these changes bring, try not to fight them too much as this will cause more suffering.  Accept your emotions are part of the changes of the order of the cards you are holding.  Accept the way you lived your life will change from the order of the cards you used to hold to the order of the cards you have now picked up.
It doesn't matter where you go in life, what you do or how much you have; it's who you have beside you...

 

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