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Author Topic: Contact with the ex  (Read 5370 times)

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Offline Suzie

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Contact with the ex
« on: August 18, 2015, 09:32:17 PM »
Hi I'm after some advice. I've been separated from my husband for 2 years now and have 3 gorgeous boys. I have never stopped the contact between them but I'm seriously considering it now. My ex see's the kids every 3-4 months but only when it suits him, he recently forgot my middle sons birthday and I haven't heard from him since the beginning of June. I feel as though this sporadic contact is having a bad effect on the boys and it would be better if contact just stopped, my dilemma is that I really don't want the boys to hold it against me when they're older and I do want them to have a relationship with their dad. I just don't know what to do for the best!!!

Offline Ms_wormwood

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Re: Contact with the ex
« Reply #1 on: August 18, 2015, 10:08:30 PM »
It sounds like he is slowing contact himself so I don't think you have to do anything except be there for your kids and support them emotionally. Just be honest with the kids, and if you don't know why or understand why then you are allowed to say you don't know. There is no reason to lie to the kids but not put down their dad, just let them know that they are loved and that their dads behaviour is nothing to do with them.
In my opionion do not stop contact yourself, then he would be able to play the victim and say to the kids that he wanted to but you stopped him. That will damage your relationship with them in the long term.

Onwards and upwards.

Offline Suzie

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Re: Contact with the ex
« Reply #2 on: August 19, 2015, 08:36:34 PM »
Thanks for the advice, it makes sense. It breaks my heart every time my oldest asks why doesn't his daddy like him anymore, I always explain that it's got nothing to do with him but not sure it sinks in!!! Why do men (and women) feel they can just ignore their kids, I can't imagine not seeing them.

Offline Tulip

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Re: Contact with the ex
« Reply #3 on: August 19, 2015, 10:01:04 PM »
I think any contact is better than none.  They may get upset about the situation now but in their minds they still have a dad.  If you stop the contact they will feel they don't.  I cannot see this will make things better. 

Offline Suzie

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Re: Contact with the ex
« Reply #4 on: August 20, 2015, 06:26:46 PM »
Tulip thanks for the advice but I'm not sure you can have a meaningful relationship with someone you only see every 4 months and with someone who doesn't really want to be there. I do see your point but not sure I agree with it.

Offline Tulip

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Re: Contact with the ex
« Reply #5 on: August 20, 2015, 10:47:28 PM »
My children, now in their late 20's, saw their father once or twice a year for much of their childhood due to him living abroad. Not ideal but far better than not knowing him at all and they still see him and have a relationship with him now. Surely that has to be better than children becoming adults and not having a clue what their dad is up to it ever seeing him? It does sound from what you say he's not making much of an effort but I honestly believe something's better than nothing.  Also, slightly different but there are thousands of kids with fathers serving in the forces whose dads go away on tour for often six months at a time. Is it not worth them continuing their relationships either? Of course it is, it's not ideal but it's what it is. I know it's different from what you describe but no contact cannot be the best option.

Offline Suzie

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Re: Contact with the ex
« Reply #6 on: August 21, 2015, 10:42:45 PM »
I know you're probably right and I suppose I'm seeing only from my point of view rather  than theirs but I just get so frustrated by his lack of effort. I won't stop contact, I never could, I couldn't bear to tell my boys they weren't going to see him again. I'm just at a complete loss when they ask why daddy doesn't love them anymore. This is far harder to deal with than the loss of my soul mate.

Offline WT4

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Re: Contact with the ex
« Reply #7 on: August 24, 2015, 11:42:01 AM »
There's a huge difference between encouraging contact anf facilitating contact. 

After many hours of comms on the subject of last Christmas I will no longer engage in the former .. but I'd never block contact/access unless there is a real possibility of harm to the youngster(s).

What age are your boys?  At 12yo they can effectively manage their own communications ... make their own arrangements (with your consent).
Two things we give our children: roots & wings

Offline Suzie

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Re: Contact with the ex
« Reply #8 on: September 06, 2015, 06:17:21 PM »
You are right, I'm not going to block contact. After reading the  advice of others  on here I've decided that it would be a bad idea, the kids will back their own choices at some point and it's not my right to sway them in any way. I will continue to show that they are loved and supported by me and if he can't be bothered to see his boys that's his loss. The boys are 7, 5 and 2 at present. It's only the older one that seems bothered by it, the other two couldn't care less.

Offline Suiky

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Re: Contact with the ex
« Reply #9 on: November 07, 2017, 07:04:44 PM »
Every time my ex-husband can not meet a child, he explains it to him. He knows that canceling or appointing a meeting at the last moment means ruining my plans and plans for the child.

 

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