Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?
 

Author Topic: **Newbie**  (Read 4904 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline LornaD

  • newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 2
  • Gender: Female
**Newbie**
« on: October 14, 2014, 07:30:05 AM »
Hi everyone im Lorna im 35 years old. I have 3 children Owen 13 Aaron 11 and my little girl Denny 9

Im so lost i dont know where to turn..

Last saturday my husband came in and told me he didnt love me anymore then told me and the kids he was leaving.He walked out the following friday.I cant get my head round it over 14 years we were together. Watching my kids so upset is devastating.I cant eat or sleep im on sleeping tablets and anxiety pills,Constantly crying.. just cant understand my heart is breaking for us, i feel so alone and finding it hard to come to terms with.While we are all broken hes looks rather excited about moving on with his life xxx

Offline Foggy

  • trainee
  • **
  • Posts: 190
  • Gender: Male
Re: **Newbie**
« Reply #1 on: October 14, 2014, 08:47:20 AM »
Hi. I was in a similar situation ( albeit t'other way round gender-wise). I thought everything was going along nicely ( even planning to surprise her with a wedding vow renewal) then she announced she was leaving and wouldn't explain why.  Turns out she was moving in with her new b/f!

Anyway --- she left me and our, then, 6 year old son to start her new life. I was in bits, but had to "stay strong" at least outwardly for our son.

All I can offer is for you to focus on the kids. Be "Team You Four". The pain does subside, eventually. Work together to form new routines. Don't dwell on his new life ( I can tell you from experience -- that is a killer!) and focus on yours.

Offline Deborah43

  • SWK Member
  • beyond all hope !
  • *****
  • Posts: 2,224
  • Gender: Female
Re: **Newbie**
« Reply #2 on: October 14, 2014, 08:08:30 PM »
This immediate period is really hard LornaD, so have a {{{{{{hug}}}}}}}.  My situation was not the same as yours but once we did split I was anxious and down-right despairing, crying and losing weight in equal measure (I think I lived on a bowl of Shreddies a day for about a month because it was the only thing I could bring myself to eat). 

Eventually you'll find one thing that will help you to begin to move on/start your new life.  And then that one thing will lead to another and another and then you'll find yourself coping with everything and doing just fine.  That day will come and until then (and beyond) you can post here and get some support.
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."

Offline CB2

  • Coordinator.
  • beyond all hope !
  • *******
  • Posts: 4,359
  • Gender: Female
Re: **Newbie**
« Reply #3 on: October 14, 2014, 08:12:09 PM »
Hi Lorna

Didn't want to read and run, I can only imagine how you and the children are feeling.

Have you got family and friends around you, if so now is the time to ask them for support and I am sure they will be willing.  It will be hard for you to be strong but you need to be for the children.

Try and find things you can all do together, focus on the four of you.

Keep posting on here, people will be along who have experience or advice that will help and it helps writing how you are feeling to stop it bottling up inside.

Sending virtual hugs (((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))
Elaine
Life is what you make it.

Offline debs2702

  • SWK Member
  • trainee
  • *****
  • Posts: 609
  • Gender: Female
Re: **Newbie**
« Reply #4 on: October 15, 2014, 12:09:18 AM »
HI Lorna

Getting late but just wanted to say hi and sending you a big hug. Heartbreak sucks! We have all been there. Will post more later.

Take care 
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade!!

Offline debs2702

  • SWK Member
  • trainee
  • *****
  • Posts: 609
  • Gender: Female
Re: **Newbie**
« Reply #5 on: October 16, 2014, 01:04:23 PM »
While we are all broken hes looks rather excited about moving on with his life

Hi again Lorna

Sorry to hear of the, what do the solicitors say ahh yes, "the irretrievable breakdown of your marriage".

What you have to remember is that he is many steps ahead of you.  i.e.  he has obviously been planning this for a while so in his head he has rehearsed the farewell speech, he has thought and planned about how he is going to move out and when and where he is going to.  You, on the otherhand have been hit full head on with what would feel like a cricket ball in the face.  Ouch!!! no wonder you are feeling the way that you do.  Like most other people you will probably say I didn't see it coming.  I had no idea.  Probably now if you really sit and think about it I am sure that there were clues but you didn't pick up on them. 

I hope by now that you are starting to pull it together a little.  Although that will take time.  Its a huge rip at the seams of your life and those gaping holes are going to hurt for a long while yet.  I tell you this not to be cruel but to warn you and to empathise with you.  We have all been there.  Even though I initiated the break of my marriage after nearly 20 years it still hurt like hell.  I know you have probably heard this a thousand times before but time is a great healer.  No, it wont be easy but do you know what?  There will come a time, not now (too raw) but at some point in the future when you will wake up without tear stained cheeks, and feel that you can get through the day without crumbling. 

Use your friends as support but also post on here.  You will get some great advice, tough love even maybe but the one thing that we all have in common is we know what its like to experience heartbreak, we know what its like to be single parents. None of us are here because we chose to be separated/divorced.

Sending you a big hug

Debs x

PS.   Its OK to cry. Its not a weakness and if you want some alone time to do this, the shower is a great place away from the kids.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade!!

Offline LornaD

  • newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 2
  • Gender: Female
Re: **Newbie**
« Reply #6 on: October 21, 2014, 03:41:59 PM »
Me and the kids are broken :( even now when i see him when he comes for kids hes so cold cant look me in the eye i feel like we are strangers, not someone who was telling me he loved me the day before he left.Inside my heart is breaking how can i be so invisible to him after 14 years and 3 beautiful children together? I wish i didnt hurt this much im falling to pieces the kids and i are looking to eachother for answers.They havent left my bed at night since he left me. x

Offline Foggy

  • trainee
  • **
  • Posts: 190
  • Gender: Male
Re: **Newbie**
« Reply #7 on: October 21, 2014, 04:52:41 PM »
The reason he is so cold, I suspect, is guilt.

When my ex walked out she even blocked me on Facebook and eventually confessed it was because she felt guilty.  Even now we only communicate about our son (who, incidentally, still sleeps on his mum's side of the bed now).

At first all I wanted was answers --- but, now, 18 months or so down the line, frankly I don't care anymore. Time, although you don't want to hear it, is the healer. You and the kids are now "The Family" .. try to be strong.

Offline carolea

  • trainee
  • **
  • Posts: 242
  • Gender: Female
Re: **Newbie**
« Reply #8 on: December 11, 2014, 07:48:11 PM »
Hi Lorna.
Reading this reminded me of exactly my situation 5 years ago. My partner of 14 years left me and my son unexpectedly.
I too fell apart. Sleeping pills and antidepressants to get through the day.
All I can say to you is that it will get better, you will get over this and you will come out stronger than ever.
In the mean time, look after your health. Get as much sleep as possible (difficult I know ), make sure you eat, little and often if u can't manage meals and do things to help you relax. A nice bath, read a book, speak to friends. Whatever helps.
Don't worry about him being cold towards you. That's the guilt he is feeling. He has to shut off his emotions to do what he is doing.
He may seem quite happy now but I promise you, you will come out happier because you have your children.
I got told all this advice on this site by different members, they really saved my life and sanity, but at the time I couldn't believe them or see an end to the blackness I was in.
5 years on, I'm happier than If ever been in my life. I live with my son and I'm so content.
I'm stronger too. It was the worst but best thing that he walked out on me.
You will feel the same one day.
Big hugs Carol xxx

Offline Burbridge

  • newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 1
  • Gender: Male
Re: **Newbie**
« Reply #9 on: March 10, 2015, 10:08:41 AM »
Hi All,

Never thought I would be on a site like this :-( but when it happens you see how many people have been through this and the HURT is immense for us all.
My wife of 20 yrs has made the decision to divorce me and said she will support my relationship with my 6 yr old son, but I know she would maybe prefer if that did not happen so she can get on with her life with him with me out of the equation.
I am right in the middle at the mo and house sale going through with my new house bought and hopefully completing soon and she has hers and is constantly telling him that OUR new home is just round the corner and then tells me to be careful what I say to him and not to confuse him.
Hurting, sad, lower than ever been in my life and afraid of what may happen ref my relationship with him.
Looking to book something up where I can take him on an adventure, but with like minded people and somewhere for him enjoy our time but also as most boys do meet new friends so he can grow independent.
Any ideas please of maybe a few days away?
Would welcome any suggestions and help.

John

Offline Ms_wormwood

  • SWK Member
  • beyond all hope !
  • *****
  • Posts: 2,270
  • Gender: Female
Re: **Newbie**
« Reply #10 on: March 10, 2015, 12:11:34 PM »
You came to the right place. I think the camping trips sound exactly what you are asking for.

as for the house terminology thing, I refer to the house we share as 'our house' and her dad's house as 'dad's house', and he refers to his house as 'our house' and mine as 'mum's house'. No confusion for my six-year-old at all.
« Last Edit: March 10, 2015, 12:12:19 PM by Ms_wormwood »
Onwards and upwards.

Offline Tulip

  • trainee
  • **
  • Posts: 412
  • Gender: Female
Re: **Newbie**
« Reply #11 on: March 10, 2015, 06:13:22 PM »
My son was the same age as yours when I separated from his dad.  From the onset our son knew that he had two homes and we both included him in the fun part of decorating his rooms in mummy and daddy's new houses.  My ex has always made a point of maintaining his home is our sons home just as mine is.  He has clothes there all the time as he never wanted the 'weekend' backpack of clothes coming.   Everything he buys his son for birthday/christmas remains at his house which I totally understand.  He is now a teenager and although he still spends a bit more time at mine than dads, his dads place isn't somewhere he goes with his overnight bag, it is his other home.  I would suggest you don't use the our new house thing with your son but you could start talking about how he would like his lovely new room to be.  Does he want dinosaur/favourite football team curtains etc.  That way he will feel it is his new room from even before he gets there. 

Offline WT4

  • Full Time Mummy
  • SWK Member
  • beyond all hope !
  • *****
  • Posts: 3,717
  • Gender: Male
  • There's Only One
Re: **Newbie**
« Reply #12 on: March 12, 2015, 07:25:25 PM »
Definitely the camping.

Look out a book called "Two of Everything"
Two things we give our children: roots & wings

 

Single Parent Holidays in the UK and Overseas. Single With Kids offers the widest range of breaks and holidays for single parents, from camping with kids and value breaks through to all inclusive overseas resorts and adventure holidays. Our destinations range from the Lakes through to Lapland, Center Parcs to Tunisia. All Single With Kids Holidays are in group settings with the focus on fun and friendship. Everyone is a single parent family with children aged from babies through to teenagers, and mums and dads from all backgrounds.*Single With Kids Ltd * Greg Street, Stockport SK5 7BR * Telephone 0845 166 8119 *



Copyright © 2014 Single with Kids.
All rights reserved.