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Author Topic: recently seperated, my choice, but he has moved on so fast and it hurts  (Read 5104 times)

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Offline angelicajr

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Hi,

I am new here, not sure how this works but I am recently seperated, it was my choice, but the father of my kids came round to collect them for a day out Saturday just gone, and he was bragging about his new gf who has a young daughter, saying he'd been spending them with them both, he moved out less than a month ago. He hasn't really been that great to my boys which is why we seperated, now I feel pissed off he is putting fake effort in with someone's else's child when his own aren't his priority. He can't have them overnight as he is in a houseshare so basically I have 24/7 on mum duty, which ofcourse I love, and I chose this, I just feel it's unfair he can go out, socialise, meet new people whereas I am not able too.
that's all, just wanted to vent a little.

thanks
Angela

Offline Cushion Plumper

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Re: recently seperated, my choice, but he has moved on so fast and it hurts
« Reply #1 on: October 06, 2014, 07:27:10 PM »
Don't worry about what he's up to, it's probably all for show to try and get you jealous and upset anyway.  Let's be realistic, if he's already spending his time with someone as 'a family' then there's hardly going to be any romance, dating and other getting-to-know-you experiences that are enjoyable!  He's stepped straight back in to a domestic routine and I reckon he will soon get fed up.

On the plus side, you ended the relationship because you know what he's like and you don't want to be with him.  Pity her for what she's ended up with!  His 'best behaviour' to impress her won't last forever and she'll soon see he's a lousy father figure.  Anyone who can't really be bothered with their own kids aren't going to feign an interest in anyone else's kids for too long.

In the meantime, you focus on you and your kids and spend some quality time doing things your way, create new experiences, new 'nights in' with them if you can't get out.  Make one night a film and a pizza night and buy popcorn or something.  Depending on their ages, see if you can arrange sleep overs with their friends and vice versa and try and arrange it with some other parents as a way of baby sitting so you can both get a night out. 

Having been single for years when my son was younger I used to invite my girlfriends round for a night in when he'd gone to bed around 7.30pm.  Just because I couldn't get out it didn't stop me socialising at home and having some friends round for a glass of wine and some nibbles and throw in the odd Body Shop At Home or Ann Summers party.  It was great having the freedom of my own home to invite friends around and not having the ex moaning that people were taking over the house!

You separated for a reason so hold on to that and remember why you wanted out.  Don't fall for the old trick of thinking that some other woman has now got the man you always wanted/wished him to be.  The truth is some other woman has got the bloke that you weren't happy with.
It doesn't matter where you go in life, what you do or how much you have; it's who you have beside you...

Offline angelicajr

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Re: recently seperated, my choice, but he has moved on so fast and it hurts
« Reply #2 on: October 07, 2014, 11:08:01 AM »
Hi there,

thank you so much for taking the time to not only write a reply but also write a lot of really good guidance and advice that makes absolute sense. You are right, my friends have said he is controlling and a bully so to not to believe everything he says. I do find it odd that he seems to have jumped back into a "family" situation, so yeh it probably won't last.
Yes I didn't want to be with him at all,  I think i am just letting it get to me that he is moving on already, but he is jumping from one girl to the next and not finding any value in relationships whereas I am holding off for the real deal this time, hopefully  ;).
He has anger problems, stress related illnesses, alcohol dependencies and a whole host of issues he is burying and carrying on regardless, I have to feel sorry for his new gf really, she has no idea, he is very good at putting on a front.
Definitely focusing on me and my kids, have always done that anyway, he was a stranger in our home.

I am blessed as I do have many very good friends.
 your words are a beacon to keep me moving forward, thank you xxx


Offline Foggy

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Re: recently seperated, my choice, but he has moved on so fast and it hurts
« Reply #3 on: October 07, 2014, 11:52:51 AM »
Hi. At the end of the day the important item here is you and the kids ..... he is now his ( and someone else's) own problem.

In all the fronting and flitting from one girl to the next it is important that your kids know they can depend upon YOU to be there for them as the constant in their lives. You are their rock ( and they yours).

My ex left on the Wednesday, had our son for a day out on the Saturday.  Saturday evening I discovered that she had a b/f and they had spent the day together .... it was only then I realised why she had left !!!!

Offline angelicajr

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Re: recently seperated, my choice, but he has moved on so fast and it hurts
« Reply #4 on: October 07, 2014, 03:47:27 PM »
sorry to hear that ^^^^ foggy? must of been quite a blow for you :-(((

Offline Cushion Plumper

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Re: recently seperated, my choice, but he has moved on so fast and it hurts
« Reply #5 on: October 07, 2014, 07:01:49 PM »
Hi there,

He has anger problems, stress related illnesses, alcohol dependencies and a whole host of issues he is burying and carrying on regardless, I have to feel sorry for his new gf really, she has no idea, he is very good at putting on a front.

Well those are things that he certainly isn't going to sort out in a week, and unless he acknowledges he has issues in these areas and does something about it he'll never get them sorted out. 

I should imagine he will be blaming all these issues on you!  She'll be feeling sorry for him, acknowledging in agreement how awful you must have been, saying she'll never be like that, and she'll be there for him, helping him through his 'issues' thinking she can save him from himself, only to find out in a few days/weeks/months that actually there is nothing she can do for him because he'll soon be blaming her for all his faults, failings and the likes.

Nine years ago when I left my ex for abusive and controlling behaviour he met another woman within a few months and it was full on very quickly.  I tried to warn her what he was like, mainly because she had young children and I didn't want them experiencing what me and my son had experienced, but she just thought I was jealous.  A few months later she was supporting him at the family court when he was applying for full residency of our son, she was giving evidence on how she would help to raise our son in a 'loving, family environment'.  (He didn't win by the way.)  Nine months later they were married and she got pregnant on the honeymoon.

Four months after the marriage my ex looked really thin and ill.  At handover one day he confided in me that he'd made a huge mistake and shouldn't have got married so quickly.  After the baby was born, she emailed me asking for my advice as his abuse to her was really bad and she was now ready to listen to me!  A few years later she divorced him because of it.

During all of that time I remained single and happily so.  I dated a couple of guys here and there but none went beyond a few dates because I knew they weren't right for me.  I found myself, knew what I was looking for in a man and decided not to settle for anything less, decided I'd rather be alone for ever than make do and be unhappy.

And then, two months ago I started dating a guy from work who is WONDERFUL and life is very happy right now.

As for my ex, he's now on his third wife (fourth if you include me but we never actually married) and has three kids by three different women.

So next time he brags about his up coming weekend with his girlfriend, smile sweetly and wish him a nice time.

I know whose shoes I'd rather be in  ;D

PS  As an after thought, if he is house sharing does this woman have her own place?  Very convenient for him if so...
It doesn't matter where you go in life, what you do or how much you have; it's who you have beside you...

Offline angelicajr

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Re: recently seperated, my choice, but he has moved on so fast and it hurts
« Reply #6 on: October 08, 2014, 10:49:14 AM »
You are absolutely correct, I have been with him for 16 years and i tried my best to help see the lighter side of life, enjoy what he had, relaxation techniques, all sorts, I have tried it all, I realised way too late that he isn't willing to help himself. Yeh he did blame alot on me when he was here actually, in all honestly I couldn't of been a better wife/mother I feel but it just wasn't good enough. Yeh let her try, good luck to her.

Well those are things that he certainly isn't going to sort out in a week, and unless he acknowledges he has issues in these areas and does something about it he'll never get them sorted out.

It is full on very quickly, I feel that, that's the problem isn't it, if you do try to warn the woman she would think we are being jealous and believe his lies of it was all our fault.
Gosh that all sounds very fast for your ex I agree, ha ha that's rich wanting to listen to you when it was too late, I guess we can help others learn their lessons, we can only learn our own and grow from them.
Well done for you, sound very independent and strong. I need to find myself, having been with my ex since the age 0f 17 I have no idea who I am as a person by myself.

Very happy that you are now dating and all is happy, I really hope it stays that way for you, although you sounded quite happy by yourself too so hats off to you.
Jesus christ why would he get married that many times, yikes!!!

Yes all my friends have said I have to try my hardest to put on a brave face next time he brags and say "that's nice".

Not sure if she has her own place but yes very convenient if so, he is a lost soul, I couldn't save him.



xxxxx

Offline debs2702

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Re: recently seperated, my choice, but he has moved on so fast and it hurts
« Reply #7 on: October 08, 2014, 03:43:06 PM »
So next time he brags about his up coming weekend with his girlfriend, smile sweetly and wish him a nice time.

Don't forget to tell him what your plans for the weekend are too (make sure you have something fun planned before you share).  There is nothing more satisfying than letting them know that you are managing quite well without them) LOL  ;D

CP is right - he needs to acknowledge that he has issues before he will be able to deal with them and you can bet your bottom dollar that you will be the blame for those issues and she will mop his brow saying there, there there.  She would be a wise woman to think there are two sides to every story but at the moment she's probably blind. 

I know what it is like to be a long relationship (20 years) and then be single.  Its hard at first but you will soon adjust.  My advice for what its worth, take your time to re-discover you, spend time with your children, be a shining example of how to be a good parent, for what they will see, learn, experience now will form their criteria of what a parent should be but more importantly they will be able to become good parents themselves when they are grown up and ready to form relationships.  You can't pass on what you haven't been taught.

Above all else, don't criticise their dad in front of them.  When aggrieved other halves do this they place the child in turmoil.  Divided loyalties etc and parental alienation.  Its not fair.  My only wish when I separated from my children's father was that my 3 children came out as unscarred as possible.

Good luck for the future.  It will be, what YOU make it!  How your children behave/react to the separation will be set by the way that you and your ex conduct yourselves.  Whatever happens, you are still mum and dad and always will be.... lots of people forget that!  Take care  :)
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade!!

Offline angelicajr

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Re: recently seperated, my choice, but he has moved on so fast and it hurts
« Reply #8 on: October 09, 2014, 01:36:51 PM »
Hi Debs,

thank you, yes I am beginning to realise that I need to ensure he knows my fun plans for the weekend too lol!!  ;D
I saw the friends this morning and they all gave me much the same advice as I have been given here, so taken it all aboard, have listened intently and will definitely be putting all the advice into action. I definitely need to find myself that's for sure, been in a controlling marriage since the age of 17, so I lost who I was, if I ever even knew who I was in the first place, secondly my boys are everything to me so definitely will be putting my everything into have fun with my boys  :D

she would be a wise woman to think their are two sides to every story, ah well, her loss and his.

It is very hard getting to used to single life, I've never really had it so really struggled at first, but starting to enjoy myself again now and have fun with my boys, it's getting easier. Believe you me I know all about being a parent first, I grew up in a messed up family, so I have breaking the mold of that crap parenting, and being the best parent I can be for my boys.

very hard not to criticise their dad infront of them, especially when they come back from seeing him and have insults to throw at me that he has said, saying that I agree entirely and I think it is not nice, so I will the mature one and do what's right for the sake of my kids.


thank you taking the time to help me here, xxxxx

Offline debs2702

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Re: recently seperated, my choice, but he has moved on so fast and it hurts
« Reply #9 on: October 10, 2014, 03:03:31 PM »
very hard not to criticise their dad infront of them, especially when they come back from seeing him and have insults to throw at me that he has said, saying that I agree entirely and I think it is not nice, so I will the mature one and do what's right for the sake of my kids.

When J, my daughter says this to me, I just turn away and busy myself with something.  Hard I know and thank god she can't read my thoughts LOL   When she says why does dad ...... I answer  hun that's a really good question and next time you see your dad or speak to him on the telephone why don't you ask him?  It works for me>


thank you taking the time to help me here, xxxxx


You welcome, trust me, we have all been here  >:(

 ;D
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade!!

 

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