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Author Topic: Newbie....here goes  (Read 2779 times)

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Offline Madisonsmummy12

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Newbie....here goes
« on: August 09, 2014, 11:38:16 AM »

This is my first post so not sure what im expecting.

My husband left me 2 months ago saying he loved me but wasn't in love with me, im 100% sure he has met someone else but has come back twice now saying he wants me back but doesn't follow it up.

We were together 6 years and married 3 and have a 2.5 year old daughter and I'm absolutely devastated. He 31 and im 30 and never thought it would come to this. We were unhappy for a while but I always believed it would get better and it was a rough patch but his continual lies and actions have left me dumbfounded. Im just so lost. I know its early days and I have a long way to go but feel so alone and scared of being on my own.

Any advice?

We are on speaking terms for the sake of our daughter and his mind games are really messing with my head (saying he wants to come back but doesn't actually do anything about it)

What do I need to do to protect myself with regards to legal aspects


Offline Pearl

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Re: Newbie....here goes
« Reply #1 on: August 09, 2014, 01:15:40 PM »
Hi Becky

I'd say you've stumbled into the right place.  So much of what you're describing is incredibly familiar!  My ex and I were also together for 6 years and married for 3 when it all fell apart.  My daughter is about the same age as yours.  It does get better - though I will readily admit that it is hard to believe it at the time.

I'm not the best to help on legal aspects, but there are others here who know more.  It would depend on a number of things, like any shared assets/property.

I'm afraid the forum has been rather dead lately.  Summer is a busy time! 

It's only two weeks away, but if you can come to Wicksteed Camp at the bank holiday weekend there will be lots of friendly faces and people to chat with.  I'm sure my little one would love having another girl her age to play with, and the conversation around a campfire with folks that know what you're going through can do wonders for you.

"There will be little rubs and disappointments everywhere, and we are all apt to expect too much; but then, if one scheme of happiness fails, human nature turns to another; if the first calculation is wrong, we make a second better: we find comfort somewhere."   --Jane Austen

Offline Cushion Plumper

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Re: Newbie....here goes
« Reply #2 on: August 09, 2014, 01:54:26 PM »
Hi Becky,

I know the devastation of losing someone you love and the heartache/heartbreak that comes with it, but I've been single now for many years and have found complete happiness being my own boss, so my advice (for what it's worth) will be coming from being a lot further down the line than you are now!

It's great that you and your ex are on speaking terms for the sake of your daughter and that needs to be maintained at all costs, whatever happens.

If he has left you and is keeping you dangling it's very unfair.  I bet you don't know whether you are coming or going.  Would you both be prepared to attend Relate for relationship counselling at all?  That could be a first step.

However, he has chosen to leave you, for whatever his reasons, and I think you need to try and move on with your life as best as you can and make plans as a single parent.  If he does decide that he wants to come back and you get back together that is always a decision you can make, but if he knows you are putting your life on hold for him to make his mind up then he has the comfort that he can keep you dangling as long as possible.  Perhaps knowing that you are moving on without him, and coping with that, it will make him think more rationally about what his priorities are.

Now is the time for you to start doing things for you again.  Kick start an old hobby or interest, join a new one, have time out with friends you've not caught up with for ages.  If child care is an issue, have some girlfriends around your place for a night after your little one is in bed.  A cheese and wine tasting night where each guest bought a specified cheese and a specified wine from a certain country was very popular with my friends.  I hired 50 wine glasses for free from Tesco and we all tried reds, whites and rose we'd never tried before.  I've recently had a girls pamper night and a local beautician came and did a 15 minute treatment on everyone for £5 each over the course of the evening and we all enjoyed a head massage or shoulder massage - the world is now your oyster and parenting aside you can make it as full or lonely as you want.

In my experience, a man finds his ex more appealing if they are getting on with life rather than being upset and pining for them.  Then when they decide you are actually the person they want to be with you've decided they're NOT the person you want to be with after all and life is quite good and enjoyable as a single parent!

The one thing I would definitely NOT recommend is going out and meeting someone on the rebound (or to make him jealous and realise what he's missing).  Have been guilty of that myself in the past and it only leads to more misery.  Finding happiness in your own right as a single parent is the way forward, not finding a new bloke!
It doesn't matter where you go in life, what you do or how much you have; it's who you have beside you...

Offline WT4

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Re: Newbie....here goes
« Reply #3 on: August 16, 2014, 04:59:28 PM »
Hello Becky

/waves from Twickenham

One thing you can do which has been known to help many folk is to only respond to (and initiate) comms that cover areas you actually want to discuss ... for many that would be no more (and no less) than any conversation about contact/access arrangements.

The overwhelming nature of the early stages of separation can be fairly intense ... one step, one thing, one day at a time.

You will almost certainly tell yourself you can't cope ... let me tell you ... you can ... and you will.

Hope it works out for you all.
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