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Author Topic: When to take the plunge.......  (Read 5048 times)

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Offline elvis2011

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When to take the plunge.......
« on: June 16, 2014, 03:32:23 PM »
I will try to keep this brief, I have a 2 and a half year old, seperated from his dad at 8 months pregnant. Due to his personal issues, he has been seeing Josh regularly for about 8 months in a contact centre, we have agreed to move away from this, something which I imagined being slow. He has come to me today with the question can he take Josh on holiday for a weekend, with his family including other children, at the start of august. Now I am left with the dilemma that I am split on. Do I take the plunge and go straight to overnights, after all you can never be sure about these things or do I stick to the original plan. Josh loves his dad and is confident around people he knows, so do not have many doubts about him coping with it, I won't have to keep making judgement calls about when and how we move forward and although josh has a speech delay he will speak to me in his own way about what has happened and knows emotions and stuff so I do think in a limited way would be able to speak up if their were issues. This is important as their is a history of recreation over use of drugs(I was their when I got pregnant and stopped, which he claims to have done too, so can't really argue about the past here) and he does have a temper, never directed at me and I am doubtful about it being directed at josh. He has been great with Josh, maybe not always the way I would but it is not all about me.

My question is I suppose, has anyone taken the plunge like this and been bitten or had it work for them. It really does feel like why drag it out the way I planned but do worry he is manipulating with the purpose of getting more. But I gotta do it at some point so why not now

Offline WT4

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Re: When to take the plunge.......
« Reply #1 on: June 16, 2014, 05:15:43 PM »
If you are sure, go with it - there's no reason not to is there?

However, I'm sure many will recognise the uncertainty ... the first time my little one stayed over with his mother I was beside myself with worry.
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Offline Tulip

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Re: When to take the plunge.......
« Reply #2 on: June 16, 2014, 07:05:31 PM »
Sounds to me like there's very little risk and lots of positive including fun times with a dad he adores and other family members onboard too. Go for it

Offline Blue Sky

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Re: When to take the plunge.......
« Reply #3 on: June 16, 2014, 07:18:22 PM »
I dont know how these things work but you still have six weeks or so before the planned August overnight. 

Is it possible to increase his contact, away from the contact centre, between now and then - which I am guessing would have been the "original plan" but just sped up?

I would personally still want to do it in 'steps', rather than straight from contact centre to overnights.

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.

Offline elvis2011

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Re: When to take the plunge.......
« Reply #4 on: June 16, 2014, 07:47:22 PM »
We have been doing bits away from the contact centre, I took him up to daddy's house for an afternoon (I left them) the other week and then he took him swimming yesterday as a fathers day extra. I am leaning towards saying yes although my main appreehension is the idea it is miles away, we are midlands he wants to go weymouth for 3 nights. So atleast one overnights will be done in the process.

This is made harder in that my family won't support it fully, for there own reasons that are atleast kind of  understandable based on past experiances but I am definately trying to put that aside and even to back up the feeling that no matter how long you wait it can all go wrong.

Offline Deborah43

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Re: When to take the plunge.......
« Reply #5 on: June 16, 2014, 08:05:02 PM »
Hi there :)  As well as going wrong it can surprisingly very well too.  I'm not sure that putting it off will make a huge amount of difference and letting it happen sooner might be very beneficial for the little one, you and his dad in the long run.  Good luck with whatever you decide.
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."

Offline elvis2011

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Re: When to take the plunge.......
« Reply #6 on: June 16, 2014, 09:08:47 PM »
I do agree Deborah, always felt that slow and steady would be better for everybody, but suddenly finding that brings uncertainty lots of judgement calls and changes in routine etc. Daddy has never done more than one meal in a row,  he has never ut him to bed or coped with tired josh when he was late last night. Never given him a bath etc so is a very sudden change. Trying to get him to explore how we get from here to there now, so will see what he comes up with.

Offline Deborah43

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Re: When to take the plunge.......
« Reply #7 on: June 16, 2014, 10:35:12 PM »
Thing is, he may not do things in the same way that you do them with regards to meal-times and bed-times and bath-times but if he's going to have a place in your son's life then you have to be able to let him do things his way.  And you always have to be there to put it all back together again in the way that you do.  Not easy to start with but soon everyone finds a rhythm and everyone knows what to expect.

Me?  I get tired kids missing half their clothes from the bag when they come back but they love their time with their dad and it would be foolish of me (and I am talking about me here, not you and your decision) to disallow them their time with him just because it upsets my routine.
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."

Offline elvis2011

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Re: When to take the plunge.......
« Reply #8 on: June 16, 2014, 11:12:19 PM »
Yeah I am not looking for the same, just looking for an indication he has thought about the practacalities. I know that one, he came back from swimming yesterday without the only pair of armbands he has been happy to wear. Oh if I was precious about routine we  would not have got this far. I picked him up yesterday at 3 eating macdonalds for lunch, which of course made dinner at 5 pointless. Just need to know he has thought he may need a bed for him and have some food in etc.

Thankyou though to everybody I feel so much better about it, not great but I don't see the point in dragging out the anguish and having it just be about a night at daddy's atleast now I should now he is having a fantastic time at the beach etc dunno how i will cope as he doesn't talk on the phone etc but i leave him overnight at my sisters for work and never bother, but then they have a very special bond - she has been his surrogate dad when daddy wasn't around.

Offline annie10

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Re: When to take the plunge.......
« Reply #9 on: November 21, 2014, 09:21:01 AM »
Hi,

If I were you I would be very wary. Let your son stay overnight for one night to begin with.

Just the fact you are seeking advice shows you aren't sure of your son's safety. 3 nights all at once is much too long.

Annie
« Last Edit: November 21, 2014, 11:37:52 AM by Silky »

Offline Happimamma

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Re: When to take the plunge.......
« Reply #10 on: November 21, 2014, 01:35:53 PM »
Too busy to read all the replies but instinctively i would say go with your gut instinct - every situation / persons involved different but be prepared to think of nothing else if you go for the weekend option - Its a given.

Offline elvis2011

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Re: When to take the plunge.......
« Reply #11 on: November 21, 2014, 03:44:53 PM »
This has changed somewhat..... I cancelled the holiday as was not convinced, left over nights on the table as a possible, but since then behaviour and attitude has deteriorated again, drug use has become a concern and so has the people he is hanging around with. The issue of overnight has not come up since and so I am willing to go with this, although he is about to move in to a house with his new (recent) girlfriend, so am expecting this to be raised again soon, so shall see how we go then but my initial instinct is that I would have to see an improvement before I was too agree.

 

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