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Author Topic: meeting new partners  (Read 3787 times)

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Offline Ms_wormwood

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meeting new partners
« on: June 11, 2014, 07:23:31 AM »
Things are going well with Y and me, and we have even ventured to the saying boyfriend-girlfriend stage. Of course things are reallllly slow, we are very proper around our kids (he has two girls, 7 and 5) so we only really get lunch dates, which are not real dates. I REALLY need to get a regular babysitter.
Anyway, me ex now knows that I am seeing someone and wants to get to know him, which is perfectly reasonable, as I remember when I found out about his girlfriend and wanting to meet her. OK, M wasn't yet 2 yrs old, and she and him had been having an affair so I wasn't happy with her moral judgement, but still, I think it's important for both parents to know people who are important in their child's life. Thing is, Y isn't IN M's life yet, no more than anymore of my work friends, expat friends or M's friends parents, so I do not want to make a big deal about our relationship before our relationship is a big deal.
Question is.... how do I arrange for ex and Y (ha ha ha, ex and Y..... ) to 'meet' (ex is happy with skype) without getting M's hopes up?
If I do have non-M time with Y and he has non M and S (ha ha, his kids are M and S) time I don't really want to spend that time with ex... but it is really important to ex to know him.... advice please.

p.s. My FB status has not yet changed, so you know we are not serious yet.
Onwards and upwards.

Offline Cushion Plumper

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Re: meeting new partners
« Reply #1 on: June 11, 2014, 10:05:44 AM »
Hi there,

Good to hear (or read) that things are going well with you and your new man.

Like you, I also think that for ex partners to meet new partners is important and that both parents know who the other person is that is going to be spending a lot of time with their children.  It also helps when everyone goes to future events of the children, such as school plays, sports days, birthdays, graduations, engagements, weddings etc and that there is no awkwardness that the child dreads by having everyone in the same room.

However, in your instance I think your ex is being a bit premature in wanting to meet your boyfriend.  It's almost as if you are seeking his approval of what he thinks of him before you integrate him more in to M's life?!

If you are keen on your new boyfriend, but still taking things slowly (the fb status of not going from 'single' to 'in a relationship' is a big giveaway!) and he is not fully in M's life yet, then I don't see why your ex should be meeting him.  In fact, I'd go as far as saying it's none of his damn business.  If you're not at the stage of him staying over and M knowing you are in bed together in the mornings and you're not taking the kids away for weekends etc, then it's still your private life.  When the time comes that you take it to the next level and it's a full on serious, long term relationship, that's when I think your ex should be meeting him.  In the meantime, he should trust your judgement that you are dating a man who you feel is responsible enough to be around M for a few hours who M knows is a 'friend'. 

That's just my personal view from what you have written, and also knowing that you and your ex live in separate countries. x
It doesn't matter where you go in life, what you do or how much you have; it's who you have beside you...

Offline Ms_wormwood

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Re: meeting new partners
« Reply #2 on: June 11, 2014, 12:18:04 PM »
Yes, That's what I think too. But I just wanted to make sure it's reasonable to ask ex to wait until we know we are serious or if I'm being sounding dismissive of his feelings, which are primarily for M's safety and happiness, as they should be.
I am not seeking ex's approval, the only reason ex knows before M is that one day I forgot we had rearranged a skype and the five of us were playing together in a cafe, and as I don't have free texts I said we were with my boyfriend and his girls rather than try to explain the exact relationship.... Maybe I should've said friend and his girls.... but I don't want to lie to my ex.... or seem to lie to my ex when he looks back in the future.
Ex said he has no interest in interfering with our relationship... which was nice. But that he has the right to know more about him, which is also true.... I told him the basics, name, age, job, that he's a dad and also an ex-step dad so knows about kids and how to walk that fine line that step parents have to walk between being responsible for a child, but not being a parent to that child. I think that the dad, step-dad thing is more relevant than job.
Y is OK about it, but also thinks we should wait until we are 'out' to M and M and S before we start introducing ourselves to each others ex's.
« Last Edit: June 11, 2014, 12:19:30 PM by Ms_wormwood »
Onwards and upwards.

Offline Tulip

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Re: meeting new partners
« Reply #3 on: June 11, 2014, 08:48:47 PM »
We are all different but I don't think your ex has any 'right' to know your man. Even when you come out as a couple I don't believe he needs to chat with him. You as a parent should be free to introduce your child to whoever you feel comfortable with. As I say we are all different but if you are going to go down this quite unusual route then it's your choice when you do it and if that's not untilnM knows then that's when it is. If I had a man then I woukd never allow them to be a part if my kids life until I felt it was right and thst in my mind woukd be enough. Equally, when my sons with his dad it would be the up to his dad to make a decision when to introduce our son to someone else.

Offline Ms_wormwood

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Re: meeting new partners
« Reply #4 on: June 12, 2014, 09:24:39 AM »
No he has no 'right' but it is not unreasonable... M is not yet 6.
Mind you, saying that he wants to know someone because they spend more time with her then he does makes me wonder why he's never written to M's kindergarten teacher.....
Onwards and upwards.

 

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