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Author Topic: 'Yes Parenting' - Can you raise a child by never saying 'no'?  (Read 6657 times)

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Offline Silky

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This mum never says no to her children.... they can swear, eat what they want for breakfast, stay up until they're tired....

Is she building a rod for her own back (they're still only young), or is this a good way of parenting?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2605613/Ice-cream-breakfast-Of-course-poppet-Draw-walls-swear-How-creative-Brace-meet-The-mother-NEVER-says-No-children.html

Silky x

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Offline Foggy

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Re: 'Yes Parenting' - Can you raise a child by never saying 'no'?
« Reply #1 on: April 16, 2014, 08:30:37 PM »
She is on the road to disaster -- kids DO need boundaries and, I believe, welcome them ( though they might not admit it at the time).

Time will come when total "I will do what I like" will bring them hard into contact with authority (school, work, police) and the ending doesn't seem like it would be a good one.

Offline Silky

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Re: 'Yes Parenting' - Can you raise a child by never saying 'no'?
« Reply #2 on: April 16, 2014, 08:43:04 PM »
I've two girls and one wouldn't be such an issue, the other would be an absolute nightmare - she's extremely strong willed and would make all our lives difficult if she had free reign. I don't actually have to discipline her too much, I do however have to be consistent and ensure she knows where the boundaries lie. How do you do that if you can't say no? 

I'm trying not to dismiss the idea entirely (as my gut instinct would encourage me to do), but sometimes you just need to know the answer isn't always yes.  This isn't just at home, but at school, at work, with friends...  I'm not entirely sure this is the best preparation for life.

Call me a cynic.

Silky x
A positive mental attitude may not solve all your problems but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort"

Offline Stuart

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Re: 'Yes Parenting' - Can you raise a child by never saying 'no'?
« Reply #3 on: April 16, 2014, 09:04:39 PM »
I just laughed at this on your FB page as well. I agree with Foggy she is on the road to disaster as children for me have to understand the negative side of life, to understand the positive side. We as parents don't hear the word yes all the time, so is it realistic not to tell them no?

Schools as well now sadly have stopped using the word losers and all forms of negativity, it's a nonsense because how on earth are they ever going to be able to deal with anything.

Stuart
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Offline Silky

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Re: 'Yes Parenting' - Can you raise a child by never saying 'no'?
« Reply #4 on: April 16, 2014, 09:18:31 PM »
I do know some parents who have very 'easy' children and seem to think that any child that isn't perfectly well behaved must be a product of poor parenting.  If only it was that easy....  What works with one child isn't necessarily going to work with another, and occasionally you get one that tests everything to the extreme. Whatever the case though, I'm still not sure this 'Yes Parenting' would be a good idea with even the easiest of children - isn't it telling  them from a very early age that they can do whatever they want?  If only life was like that....

I haven't actually read any of the Daily Mail comments on this one yet but I suspect that even there the idea will be getting a right royal pasting!

Silky x
A positive mental attitude may not solve all your problems but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort"

Offline LAK

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Re: 'Yes Parenting' - Can you raise a child by never saying 'no'?
« Reply #5 on: April 16, 2014, 09:47:43 PM »
I haven't actually read any of the Daily Mail comments on this one yet but I suspect that even there the idea will be getting a right royal pasting!

Silky x

You're right there Silky! 

That style of parenting might work for the mother but I'll bet their teachers would tell a different story.  Yes parenting can't work with more than one child anyway, what happens when one wants to go to the park and the other wants to stay at home?  :-\  And if there is only one child and the answer is always yes how is that going to work if you want them to have friends?

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Offline Foggy

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Re: 'Yes Parenting' - Can you raise a child by never saying 'no'?
« Reply #6 on: April 16, 2014, 09:50:42 PM »
I do know some parents who have very 'easy' children and seem to think that any child that isn't perfectly well behaved must be a product of poor parenting.  If only it was that easy....  What works with one child isn't necessarily going to work with another, and occasionally you get one that tests everything to the extreme

My theory on this is that The Good Lord sends the first child as an "easy" version .... this is to con you into having another .... when the not so easy one arrives !!!!

Offline Silky

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Re: 'Yes Parenting' - Can you raise a child by never saying 'no'?
« Reply #7 on: April 16, 2014, 09:59:46 PM »

My theory on this is that The Good Lord sends the first child as an "easy" version .... this is to con you into having another .... when the not so easy one arrives !!!!

If I'd had number two first, she'd definitely have been an only child! (And probably more than happy to be so...

Silky x
A positive mental attitude may not solve all your problems but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort"

Offline LAK

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Re: 'Yes Parenting' - Can you raise a child by never saying 'no'?
« Reply #8 on: April 16, 2014, 10:02:11 PM »
My first wasn't easy and can still be difficult sometimes but my second was/is easy.  If I only had my second child I'd be a perfect parent.

Then I had number 3.  I'm a broken woman  :'(
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Offline Silky

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Re: 'Yes Parenting' - Can you raise a child by never saying 'no'?
« Reply #9 on: April 16, 2014, 10:27:10 PM »

Then I had number 3.  I'm a broken woman  :'(

But a happy one - one day you'll look back and  remember it with rose tinted spectacles. In fact if we didn't, the future of the human race could well be at risk..  Funny how time dulls the pain!

Silky x
A positive mental attitude may not solve all your problems but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort"

Offline Sqizzer

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Re: 'Yes Parenting' - Can you raise a child by never saying 'no'?
« Reply #10 on: April 17, 2014, 01:11:07 AM »
I couldn't imagine it anymore actually... I had this idea before he became a running around and into everything toddler that I would discipline, yes, but try to use anything other than the word no so that it didn't become a 'thing'. He's a smart kid... So it didn't really work and for me most of it is because of safety: no running around on my bed or the sofa (or jumping) you can barely get on, no climbing up onto the window sill via furniture constructions, no stairs without an adult etc - he's not yet 2 but I think I'm lucky with him still as he's quite a calm kid and in comparison to some friends. I suspect it will be said a lot more around the house as he grows

I also think, but this is my opinion, that my ex is a good example of why its a bad idea
be KIND... for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about!

Offline Ms_wormwood

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Re: 'Yes Parenting' - Can you raise a child by never saying 'no'?
« Reply #11 on: April 17, 2014, 05:32:15 AM »
I try to parent more positively... At the weekends, for instance, M has control of one day and I have the other, but that means we do what she wants (park, zoo, even tv etc) not letting her have ice-cream for breakfast or cutting through my phone charger!
It's actually nice on her day to be able to just say 'sure', as a single parent, having the reins taken for a little time, although, not taken, loosened but still held behind the child's hands.
Onwards and upwards.

Offline Stuart

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Re: 'Yes Parenting' - Can you raise a child by never saying 'no'?
« Reply #12 on: April 17, 2014, 07:24:29 AM »
It is not that easy when they get older though and as has been mentioned it can come back and bite you.

If I am honest I never realised it myself you never do, but when our little angels reach 10 or leave Primary school, the change is light and day and those early years of laying down the rules if you like, come into play.

Stuart
« Last Edit: April 17, 2014, 07:25:16 AM by Stuart »
Laughter is always the best medicine, unless your a diabetic then insulin works better.

Offline Deborah43

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Re: 'Yes Parenting' - Can you raise a child by never saying 'no'?
« Reply #13 on: April 18, 2014, 11:35:55 PM »
When children have no rules but their own, well, wasn't that the subject of Lord of the Flies?  Whilst that novel cannot be guide to parenting I know that the way I parent is based on a combination of what I was allowed and not allowed to do by my parents, grand-parents, aunts, uncles and all of the other adults I encountered.  Most of them said no to something and some of them said no to a lot of things.

So for me and my children there have to be boundaries.   And "no" is never a word used in isolation.
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Offline WT4

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Re: 'Yes Parenting' - Can you raise a child by never saying 'no'?
« Reply #14 on: April 22, 2014, 11:57:35 PM »

If I'd had number two first, she'd definitely have been an only child!


/echo

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Offline mumtoattitude

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Re: 'Yes Parenting' - Can you raise a child by never saying 'no'?
« Reply #15 on: April 24, 2014, 12:18:56 PM »
To be fair it wasn't that she allowed everything, just that she tried to find other ways to say 'no'. 

Offline Purplejay

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Re: 'Yes Parenting' - Can you raise a child by never saying 'no'?
« Reply #16 on: April 24, 2014, 07:38:38 PM »
My first impression is that (as usual) the Mail is making this sound more extreme than it is. The conclusion seems to be that they are mostly well behaved polite kids who don't really eat ice cream for breakfast everyday and keep telling mum to f off as the article will firstly have you believe.

Much of what this woman has done, I have also done (though not all by any means). After 3 weeks of no sleep, i co-slept with M and fed on demand. If a health visitor started on about feeding at set times and alternating sides, I smiled, nodded and followed my instincts. I researched areas of concern myself and did what felt right. I did baby led weaning. From 6 months, M ate fruit and veg in shapes he could pick up followed by everything from mash to sandwiches or pasta in tomato and veg sauce all with his fingers. Messy and great fun  ;D  He was bf until 3.5 and vegetarian until 4.5. He eats pretty much anything now including a whole range of meat, fruit and veg. Our approach to food is flexible and if he asked for ice cream for breakfast as a one off, I would agree while suggesting he added some fruit! On the other hand, if there is leftover curry and he wants that for breakfast, thats also fine  :) Mostly he has a mixture of cereals with milk though!

We never had a naughty step and only made limited use of star charts - more as a reminder than a discipline tool. I used to give him choices when possible (still do I guess) all of which I was happy with :)  I think lots of tantrums come from frustration. I never wanted to control him but did and do want him to learn how to behave, to be polite, to treat others with kindness.  I try not to say no without good reason (although occasionally my mum slips out - 'because I said so!') I wouldn't make him wear a coat or jumper if he said he wasn't cold. He knows when he is cold! What I would do is say 'are you sure, its really chilly today' and then take one just in case if he didn't want to wear one. I have witnessed major fall outs and tears at school between parents who insist a child wears a jumper before they can play. To me its not worth it. I have always tried to pick my battles.

These days (he is 7), I do tend to resort to threatening to withdraw his kindle fire if other reasoning does not get his attention. Parenting styles evolve as they (and you) grow and change. You have to keep them safe, can't buy everything they want and sometimes you have to be somewhere at a set time or leave somewhere when they don't want to. These things are really non negotiable and if asking or telling don't work sometimes bribing or threatening are necessary even if they don't fit with your parenting ideals. Same goes with doing homework and limiting screen time particularly on school nights and we never have tv before school, it was a rule we made (after reading about Steiner schools) and is rarely questioned. I do think children need boundaries. You can't always just leave it up to them to choose what's best for them, you are the adult and you have to guide them -by example as much as with words.
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Offline Cushion Plumper

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Re: 'Yes Parenting' - Can you raise a child by never saying 'no'?
« Reply #17 on: April 24, 2014, 09:46:36 PM »
I used to hate it when my mum or dad said 'no' to me without a reason and used the 'because I said so' line.  I always vowed I'd never, ever use it.

BUT...

over the last few weeks my 11 year old son and I have had the following conversations on and off:

Son - 'Mum, can I have the Grand Theft Auto PS3 game?'
Me - 'No'
Son - 'Why?'
Me- 'Because it's an 18 and you're 11'
Son - 'But Scott's got it and he's younger than me?'
Me - 'I don't care what Scott's got'
Son - 'But you let me play Call of Duty and that's an 18'
Me - 'Well that's because you told me your dad said you could play it when you were in Australia and I didn't realise it involved so much violence.  You know I'm not really happy about you playing that, but I agreed it was an exception as you'd already been playing it'
Son - 'But why can I play one 18 game and not another?'
Me - 'I've just told you'
Son - 'But that's not fair that I can play one but not another'
Me - 'Life's not fair sometimes'
Son - 'So can I have GTA or not?'
Me - 'No.  You're not having it'
Son - 'But WHY? ('why' said in that long drawn out droning, whinging sound that kids make)
Me - 'BECAUSE I SAID SO!'

Mum and Dad - I now understand!
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Offline Foggy

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Re: 'Yes Parenting' - Can you raise a child by never saying 'no'?
« Reply #18 on: April 25, 2014, 07:59:36 AM »
Of course, CP, the alternative is to be consistent ....... and withdraw access to Call of Duty ... if your son insists, that is  ;)

Offline mumtoattitude

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Re: 'Yes Parenting' - Can you raise a child by never saying 'no'?
« Reply #19 on: April 25, 2014, 10:28:00 AM »
Great minds think alike Foggy.  'You're right, that's not fair, I'll take Call of Duty to the charity shop.'  LOL

I do try to do no flat no parenting.  That doesn't usually mean yes though.  My eldest was really quite articulate and intelligent, she would know if there was no real reason or an illogical reason for something.  If she had wanted ice cream for breakfast, she would have looked up the nutritional values to prove it was no different to cocoa pops.  I have heard her say that just because something isn't the way people usually do things doesn't mean it's wrong, or will hurt us.  She is right.  If they were allowed ice cream for breakfast, they wouldn't bother.  And actually what's the difference between having it for breakfast or tea.  They only ask for a reaction I think anyway.  Boring if they don't get one.  same with a lot of things.  The one thing I promised I would never say was 'because I said so'.  I have said similar though.  Like 'sometimes you just have to trust your Mum knows best and has your own interests at heart'.  LOL.  Not very different though really, and just as frustrating for them I'm sure.   

Offline debs2702

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Re: 'Yes Parenting' - Can you raise a child by never saying 'no'?
« Reply #20 on: May 09, 2014, 11:51:44 AM »
To not say no to your child is not teaching them how to deal with life in the real world and is doing them a great disservice.  It would be lovely if we could all get exactly what we wanted in life when and where we want it but I don't believe that's called life, that called Utopia and doesn't exist.  To bring your child up never saying no is making them a citizen of a planet that doesn't exist.

A child needs, love, attention, the basics i.e. food, shelter, warmth and that nasty d word called discipline that so may parents are scared to exert these days.  I believe that the most precious gift that you can give a child and can't be bought is your time!  Sadly, I'm so guilty of short changing my youngest in that department, blame it on my lifestyle i.e. work and all that comes with that after coming home from work with being a single parent.  On the other hand I'd like to think that I'm teaching her a work ethic and what you want in life is only achieved through getting off your butt and working for it.

I might ask her tonight if I can give up work but it will mean a total change of lifestyle for her.  I think I know what the answer will be.  Wait... now who will be the one who will be saying no to me. LOL.   I know cos I already asked   ;D
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