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Author Topic: How often do you call/see your mum?  (Read 12872 times)

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Offline debs2702

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How often do you call/see your mum?
« on: February 04, 2014, 01:56:43 PM »
I know there are those out there that sadly dont have that option because their parent or one parent has passed away.  >:(  For the same reason I can't see my dad.  He died 12 years ago. 

I am interested to know how many of us that do have a mum still living and breathing actually physically get in a car/train/bus and go and see them and when you do for how long?   If distance is a factor, and visiting difficult if not impossible, how often do you call? 

Do your children have a relationship with their grandparent/grandparent (s) and how often do they call/ see them.

I will embellish further on why I have asked this question later when hopefully some of you have posted your replies (although its like the Marie Celeste on here at the moment lol... where is everyone)??

Looking forward to reading your responses guys and thanks

D x :)
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Offline Ms_wormwood

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #1 on: February 04, 2014, 03:43:46 PM »
It is a bit of a ghost ship.
My parents retired last summer, and before that my mum was semi-retired. My mum tends to see me and M every 6-8 weeks, my dad maybe half that. They are great, with such a distance. normally for a few days to a week. We are all going on holiday in July together in Wales this year for a week.
My ex's parents I don't see, or speak too unless M specifically asks. I send both sets of grandparents a monthly newsletter of what M's been up to and just sent them an e-copy of the photo book from Lapland that I made.
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Offline Dora

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #2 on: February 04, 2014, 04:31:53 PM »
My parents live about an hour and a quarter away. Before E started school my mum used to come over every week and stay the night in order to look after her the next day. Now she is in school, we normally see her/them every 2 - 3 weeks for a day. In between I probably phone 2 -3 times a week. She used to want a phonecall every day but I had to ween off that as it was just too much.

Now, she will never phone me - ever, I even had a text to tell me my Grandad had died. I don't understand why she won't phone as when I bring it up she says 'well you might be busy' and when we phone her she always says 'thanks ever so much for phoning, so kind of you' etc which then makes me feel guilty for not phoning more, but if we did there would be nothing to talk about. My real bug bear was last week when she told me she was glad I phoned as she had received some paperwork she didn't understand and was worried about it - I don't understand why she just didn't pick up the phone rather than wait for me to call!

For me I think 2-3 weeks and a visit every couple of weeks is adequate with the distance and fitting it in with all the other stuff we have to do, but I wish it wasn't so one sided.
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Offline CB2

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #3 on: February 04, 2014, 04:59:28 PM »
My mum sadly is no longer with us, but my dad lives in Yorkshire and I live in Eastbourne which means we don't get to see each other often, but I do ring every other day.

When we lived up North, I would visit every other day, and he had a great relationship with my son.  I made a conscious decision to move South as I just wasn't happy up there, the one thing I miss is seeing my dad on a regular basis, but had to do what was best.
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Offline Sqizzer

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #4 on: February 04, 2014, 05:01:14 PM »
Distance is a big factor for me but to visit used to be once a year but with the little one now and my complete financial responsibility since the split it's moved to about every two years. Contact wise though, is very regular with new technology. We message every day via whatsapp with pictures etc, and a lot of my family gets included in that. We are a very close knit bunch, which is strange probably, considering how very far apart we all are. Skype is dependant on schedules vs time zones, and where time permits. My little boy doesn't understand it so well so sadly his relationship with my family is limited but that will hopefully change soon enough

The out-laws see him pretty regularly actually which is good. It's a fair enough distance to be regular and they have looked after him overnight and for stretches of a week when I have needed guaranteed dates. They also get to have him for weekends where sadly daddy has made other plans on a weekend he's chosen to see him, but my boy doesn't lose out too badly there because he does love his English grandparents so!
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Offline WT4

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #5 on: February 04, 2014, 05:19:08 PM »
Mum comes here for an overnight stay most weeks.

We go there for high days and family gatherings ... maybe 2 or 3 times a year.
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Offline katie_girl

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #6 on: February 04, 2014, 06:14:37 PM »
I live just over half an hour away from my Mam.  She helps me out fairly regularly with weekend childcare for work and its unusual to go more than a fortnight without seeing each other. We don't speak that much on the phone really, if its been a while between visits one or the other will ring for a catch-up.  When we lived in the same town we saw her more regularly, she rarely comes to visit us at home but she will bring C back if she's stayed over.

My dad works abroad for most of the year, 6 months away, 6 weeks home.  We don't speak much at all while he's away but probably see each other once a week when he's home.  When he moves back properly in a couple of years he'll be the same distance away as my Mam and I expect we'll see him every couple of weeks too.

Offline Deborah43

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #7 on: February 04, 2014, 09:27:58 PM »
My parents live two hours drive away.  They come and see us here about once every six weeks and in the last year have progressed to staying overnight and staying to look after the kids for the day if I've been working and not found anyone who would be willing to have them for a whole day.

We stay with my parents a bit less now both children are at school, but we do try and visit at least once a term and we will be going to stay for a couple of nights in the upcoming half-term.

I speak to my mum and/or dad once a week.  It used to be less but my dad me off for not being in touch more often so now I phone once a week whether I have news or not.

The children seem to have a good relationship with them considering how little they see them, and are quite happy to spend time with them and tell them about their lives and stuff.  And it's important they have this because their dads parents are both dead, so it's the only set of grandparents they have.
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Offline Pearl

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #8 on: February 04, 2014, 10:18:17 PM »
My parents are an ocean and a continent away, so how often we see them is entirely dependent on finances.   They have started throwing money at me to help ensure we can manage one trip a year because they want to see us while they can.

Pre-burglary, we did Skype calls every week depending on timing - I can't wait until the insurance comes through and we can resume that.  We try for phone calls as frequently, but E loses interest when she can't see Grandma-America and Grandpa-America.  She gets frustrated when she "shows" them something by holding it up to the phone it doesn't quite work.

If I don't keep on top of emails every few days, my mother starts to panic a bit.  Neither of my parents are well (my mother especially) and they cannot fly - so we have to go to them.  I recently learned that my mother had stopped taking her meds and was planning to just let the next attack take her, but resumed when she found out I was pregnant with E.  She (literally) lives for her.  Most of our phone calls are updates about E or my mother telling me she is sending another present for her.  Sometimes I wish I could be near them, but each time we do visit it is soon obvious that the disruption to routine and the chaos that is a toddler confuses and exhausts my mother.  Feels like I can't win sometimes.
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Offline sar

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #9 on: February 04, 2014, 10:31:59 PM »
My Parents live 15 mins away and we see them each week. They pick my daughter up from school once a week and we often stay over as they then take her to school the next day. Its an evening I know I can make plans to see friends too which is nice to have. It has been part of my childcare for five years now, a huge help as well as something we both enjoy. We lived with them for a year when I first split with my ex and my daughter is very close to them, as am I. We speak in the week, maybe a couple of times and usually to ask something, not for a long sit down chat!

Offline Purplejay

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #10 on: February 05, 2014, 12:10:16 AM »
My dad and my in laws have all died, (mum in law when M was 2, the dads long before he was born).

My mum has severe vascular dementia and has lived in a care home for 2 years. Prior to that she lived with us for 2 years in a grannie annexe and before that for a long time i rang her every day and visited at least every other day. It was much easier having her with us. Sadly now, she has no mobility and needs help with everything. She has no short term memory. It is hard to know what she does understand now as she has so few words. I usually visit her twice a week. Unless she is poorly or very sleepy, she usually smiles and appears to recognise me. Sometimes she says something really normal like 'what are you doing here'. Other times she says nothing at all. Most of the time, I am not sure she knows me as her daughter or if I am just a nice lady who visits and that can be incredibly hard. I miss her. Other visits when she is well I think she does know its me for part of the time at least. She sleeps a lot of the time so I do a lot of just sitting holding her hand. It is such a cruel illness. Mostly at present she is calm and settled thankfully but she still has good days and bad days and her general health is up and down.  I take M (7) to see her regularly, probably every couple of weeks but I don't press him to go more as its not much fun for him although he does want to see her. Its about balance. When she is well and awake she beams at him but is no longer able to interact with him so we tell her what we have been up to and take stuff for him to play with or he plays with the games they have there. He is always really happy if she kisses him back. The staff and residents make a fuss of him. He saw a lot of her for the first 5 years of his life and he misses her too. I am glad he has those memories. While she couldn't run around with him (and I was never able to leave him in her care) they spent many hours doing jigsaws, reading books, singing songs. He understands whats wrong with her and that she and some of the others can be a bit shouty or behave a bit strange. Many of the residents have dementia.
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Offline debs2702

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #11 on: February 05, 2014, 05:13:19 PM »
My mum has severe vascular dementia and has lived in a care home for 2 years

I am really sorry to hear that Purplejay.  I know how difficult dementia can be.  My aunt died in October 2012 with the same.  Very hard on the family and you have my utmost sympathy.

Cmon guys this has been read 111 times - there must be some more people who can give me their feedback.  A big thank you to those who have responded already.  All will become clear soon.  Much appreciated.  Dx
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Offline debs2702

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #12 on: February 05, 2014, 05:15:03 PM »
Feels like I can't win sometimes.

Oh hun, I soooo know how that feels.  Chin up.  :-)
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Offline LCSS

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #13 on: February 05, 2014, 10:35:57 PM »
My Mum lives an hours drive away.  We see her probably every 3rd weekend.  We used to average every other weekend but seem to be busier with team sports these days.  We like to go and see her but as she gets older, I must admit, it gets a bit boring even for me, never mind the kids.  She's not a soft touch Granny though and teaches them manners and nags at them a fair bit about what they should or shouldn't do.  They take it well, I think it has more of an impact when she says it than when I do!

She's good in many ways and will help with homework sessions or play board games with them.  She gets them doing a bit of gardening and cooking with her.  She mends things for them and sometimes makes things with them.  She has them occasionally for a couple of days during the holidays although she used to have them a week at a time when she was younger.  And when we go and see her I can have a rest, it's the only place I ever manage to have a lie-in on a Sunday morning.

They have a good relationship with her although I always feel she is harder on my daughter and favours my son, which annoys me a bit, but I'm not sure my daughter feels it and maybe it's just me.

My brother calls her every day but I only call about once a week.  I never really feel inspired to chat on the phone to her and she always uses it as a chance to talk and talk because she may not have seen or spoken to anyone all day, ie she never really listens, so it is always a one-sided conversation.  She sometimes complains that I don't have much to say for myself, but it puts me off getting interrupted all the time!

Offline debs2702

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #14 on: February 06, 2014, 01:01:45 PM »
Wow read 276 times now... c'mon guys don't be shy lol

x ;D
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Offline Foggy

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #15 on: February 06, 2014, 05:17:34 PM »
I am a few of that 276  ::)

Haven't responded as I don't have a mum to visit. She passed away 11 years ago. My dad lives around the corner and I see him every weekend as well as flying visits during the week on the way back from the school run and, basically, whenever he wants something done.

My son loves his grandad, even though dad has no idea at all about children. When I was young he was away in the Forces so has never brought up a child ... he is under the impression that a 7 year old can be left on his own overnight, so there is no way I would leave my son in his care.  Dad has just hit 90, so wouldn't be able to cope anyway.

In laws live in the South of France and we have had no contact since the ex ran off with her Italian stud  (am I still bitter ???  Hell yes!!! ).

Offline Cushion Plumper

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #16 on: February 06, 2014, 08:31:20 PM »
You know me Debs.  I see her loads and we're hoping she can buy the house next door to me so we're even closer.  She stays over on Wednesday and Thursday to look after my son when I'm at work and she goes home on Friday lunch time.  Sometimes she will come back on Saturday night so I can go out.  We often have a family lunch on a Sunday with the rest of the clan and then I go without her on Mondays and Tuesdays.  I couldn't manage without her and I love her to bits.  She does all this for me and she's not long turned 80.  She's amazing.
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Offline debs2702

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #17 on: February 06, 2014, 09:40:47 PM »
and she's not long turned 80.  She's amazing.

I know Iv'e met her.  Guys this is one amazing lady.  First time in my life I ever wanted to borrow an 80 year old shoes lol.
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Offline RunningGirl

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #18 on: February 07, 2014, 11:10:17 AM »
About once a week as she picks up the boys from school. We used to do stuff like shopping together and days out, but she doesn't like my parenting style (I'm too strict and shouty) so we've stopped that as it proved too stressful. Shame really, as I'd love someone to join me on days out! We lived together for a year after I had to sell my house, and our relationship has never really recovered from that!

Offline FarFarAway

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #19 on: February 07, 2014, 11:04:25 PM »
I wish, everyday, that I could, but sadly my parents died in 2005 and 2009.  :( My son has no grandparents although he is able to remember both my mum and dad even though he was only little.  He is 12 now.

Offline SallyL

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #20 on: February 08, 2014, 01:54:14 PM »
I speak to my mum probably 2/3times a week and see her most weeks.   The hard part is tracking her down, now she has retired she is off out most days and at quizzes and socialising most nights.    I don't know how I would have ever managed without my mum, she has been my rock and I hope I was hers when my dad died 11 yrs ago.

Going to pop over and see her in an hour or so. :)
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Offline debs2702

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #21 on: February 11, 2014, 11:39:42 PM »
There was a reason that I asked this question and now by your responses I feel a lot better about myself.  Prior to posting this I was feeling guilty and overwhelmed by those feelings of guilt.  Now I don't.  So thank you to everyone who has responded.

I think it is fair to say that we all lead busy lives, some of us work, some of us don't, some work part time, some work full time but the one thing that you guys all have in common with me is that you have children or a child and I am sick to death of being compared with either my cousin (who is retired and childless or my mother's friends family who quite frankly should be very careful standing with their back near walls for fear of their wings crumpling or the halos being knocked off their heads ;D

If I hear one more time XXXX's daughter rings her mother most days, they see her every weekend.  I hasten to add the friend of my mother has 4 daughters!!  So as explained to my mother if each daughter saw her mother once a month that still leaves a gap of 3 weeks for each individual daughter to carry on with their own lives.

I. on the otherhand have a busy demanding job, am a single parent with a teenager living at home (and all that entails), have housework and a house to maintain, shopping and all the other bits that we all have to do.  I usually call my mother once a week and arrange to see her 1 weekend a month.  Either she comes to me or I go to her.  More often or not I go to her.  I might add that I have two grown up children that live away from home that also visit her as well, or take her out.

She is a sprightly 75 year old.  If she was a poorly 75 year old that would be another matter entirely but she's not.  She has friends, one of whom she sees most days (that would drive me bats, but we are not all alike I know lol).  Her friends don't drive and my mum does so she is often out taking her friends to appointments, shopping expeditions, visiting her friend's grandchild etc etc.  In other words she has a very good social life which she conducts midweek while I'm working.  However at weekends, my down time, I am made to feel guilty because I don't visit at weekends except once a month.  I don't go around to her house and do jobs to "look after my investment"  (this is meant by the house where she lives is willed to me on her death).  Have any of you ever had this said to you.  Never in a million years have I ever told my kids (22 and 24) that ,even though I struggle to get things done at home being a single parent, please come around and look after my house and "look after your investment". Really!! ???  Priceless.

When I do go around, providing its not peeing with rain I'll cut her grass, otherwise she can cut it herself.  I mean, she has all week to do so and is more than capable.  I already cut my brother's grass (he is disabled and unable to get the lawn mower up the step - its a struggle on my own to do it, but I manage!!  Just call me sampsonette lol ;D

The other thing that really gets my goat (having a good ole whinge sorry) is that since my ex and I split up she and he are on such good terms.  Shame they couldn't have made the effort when we were married!!!  She will tell me oh xxxx did so and so for me when he popped over, he's so helpful and he's coming over for dinner next weekend to do so and so.  She even went with them on holiday last summer, booked and paid for before I found out about it.  There is a separate thread on here about it somewhere!!  Again priceless!

I used to say to my mother that I love her a lot but at the moment I find it so hard to express that feeling towards her.  I feel resentment and hurt.  Wow, first time admitted that!!

I don't want to feel like this but I just can't help it.  A lot of anger and frustration coming to the surface and I just know that one day soon I'm going to explode!  So that folks is why I asked the question in the first place!!

Then I read a post like FarFarAway and think cripes I'm lucky that I still have mum (dad's gone).  Very very mixed emotions!!




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Offline WT4

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #22 on: February 12, 2014, 10:14:32 AM »
There's an saying (Jewish in origin I think): If you want to feel guilty, call your Mother.

Seriously, guilt is an internal thing - we only feel guilt because we allow others to make it so.

Secondly, reading between the lines once removed, I expect she's beginning to feel a little weary ... maybe she also feels a little jealous that you're getting your life together.

All that aside, you can't do more than you can do ... ever.

Good luck.
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Offline Sqizzer

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #23 on: February 12, 2014, 12:58:43 PM »
Whinge away. You're doing what you can and that can only ever be enough. Regardless of how much others demand you can only give what you have. I must admit your answer to why you asked in the first place really bothered me a lot - in the sense that if I were in your position I would be feeling that I am only good for what I can give, and that being me is not enough! That really got to me - and that it was coming from your mother of all people and 'your investment' etc etc. I may have misread or misinterpreted which is fair enough but I think our daily lives are hard enough without us having to placate blinkered opinion of close family. She should know better!
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Offline WT4

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #24 on: February 12, 2014, 01:10:34 PM »
I think our daily lives are hard enough without us having to placate blinkered opinion of close family. She should know better!

D*mn right ... especially seein' as she's a Mum an' all.

There's also the generation divide to consider ... some of our parents were themselves brought up a long time ago ... values & priorities (for better or worse) were different.
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Offline LCSS

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #25 on: February 12, 2014, 10:39:33 PM »
My Mum works the guilt angle a bit too, but I try not to get too sucked in, although some of it rubs off inevitably.  I'm lucky though that my brother lives only 30 mins away from her and often sees her, does lots of jobs for her, drives her around and calls every day to make sure she's ok.  He is a rare pearl though, but also early retired and no kids  :)  She has used the expression about the house being an investment, but not deliberately in an effort to make us visit more often, more when she spends money on fixing the house, she says it's for us she is doing it.

Probably the best advice is do what you can and try and make the same effort as you would like your kids to make for you in years to come.

Obviously, when she is no longer relatively fit and healthy it all gets more complicated.  My Mum would hate to go in a home and I would hate for her to have to.  My brother has said he is not taking her in if it came to that, but I think I probably would.  But we are not there yet.

Offline debs2702

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #26 on: February 13, 2014, 02:09:12 PM »
There's an saying (Jewish in origin I think): If you want to feel guilty, call your Mother.

Ain't that the truth! lol
Seriously, guilt is an internal thing - we only feel guilt because we allow others to make it so.

I know - and if I could just find that off switch I would use it.
All that aside, you can't do more than you can do ... ever.


I shall try and repeat that to myself each night.  Me, myself and I might find it hard to convince ourselves though, but I'll try.

Whinge away

Thanks, it felt good to offload.
in the sense that if I were in your position I would be feeling that I am only good for what I can give, and that being me is not enough!

To be fair she does help me too so not all bad but I just needed to get off my chest the other night how I really feel.

There's also the generation divide to consider ... some of our parents were themselves brought up a long time ago ... values & priorities (for better or worse) were different.

I hadn't considered this WT4, thank you.  You may be right on this score.
Probably the best advice is do what you can and try and make the same effort as you would like your kids to make for you in years to come

Its funny there are things that mum and dad did that I have made a conscious effort never to do because they annoyed me so much.  I have already told my kids that if I start to change and become very manipulative, they have my full permission to take me down to the bottom of the garden in the shed and knock some sense into me lol

Obviously, when she is no longer relatively fit and healthy it all gets more complicated.  My Mum would hate to go in a home and I would hate for her to have to.  My brother has said he is not taking her in if it came to that, but I think I probably would.  But we are not there yet.

If she wasn't healthy and fit then like you said that would be an entirely different matter.  I would hate for her to go in a home too and would probably only resort to this if she became violent, then I think you have to think of other members of your family as well as your own sanity too if I'm honest.   Let's hope we are all many years away from it.

Thank you everyone for your replies.

Dx
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Offline Cushion Plumper

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #27 on: February 27, 2014, 11:14:19 AM »
Just want to say a big

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

to Debs2702

xx
It doesn't matter where you go in life, what you do or how much you have; it's who you have beside you...

Offline Sqizzer

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #28 on: February 27, 2014, 02:45:00 PM »
Yay happy birthday to you xxx
be KIND... for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about!

Offline debs2702

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #29 on: February 28, 2014, 02:53:02 PM »
Thank you for your birthday wishes.  Both my youngest and I share a birthday.  She was 13 and I was   ahem, cough, cough splutter splutter  lol

 ;D
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Offline Purplejay

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #30 on: March 17, 2014, 09:14:44 AM »
Guilt is something many of us struggle with.

My mum was always demanding. She expected frequent visits and to be looked after when she was poorly or got old. I was fine with that but she could be hard to please which made it difficult at times. When I moved 10 miles away she acted like I was going to the moon. I would never move any real distance from her. She looked after her mum when she was young (her mum died age 47) and used to say if her mum hadn't died she wouldn't have married but would have stayed at home to look after her. No pressure then!

My Dad died about 16 years ago and I suppose I looked after mum to some extent since then. After her stroke 8 years ago she was unable to go out by herself. She was worse after that but it must be a horrible feeling. She refused point blank to have outside help, join groups, make friends. She was also hard of hearing which didn't help her confidence and never liked 'group' situations. Shortly after her stroke she had a fall. I got a phone call, I'd had a drink and so had to get a taxi over. She had broken her hip. So began the task of getting her to live with us. It took us about 3 years to sell my house, then hers and find the right house with scope for a grannie annexe but we made it. During that time she became less mobile and by the time we moved was unable to get down her yard into the car. For hospital visits we had to book an ambulance with 2 people to carry her down loads of steps. She would have been starting with dementia, by then but we did't know. I never intended for her to go into a home and she always said she wouldn't go.

In 2011 she became more ill and started having falls more regularly. There would be a clatter and a shout and my husband would come and pick her up. She scared me to death. In August she got a UTI which wouldn't respond to antibiotics and was admitted to hospital, I had a week off work looking after her before that. I daren't leave her and even at night was checking on her or she was shouting. The last 48 hours she was constantly asking for the toilet and refusing to believe I had already taken her 10 mins before. She lost all concept of time. She was in hospital 3 months but was never the same. Her dementia took a sudden turn for the worst. She thought people were stealing, didn't know where she was, would say I hadn't visited for days, she was anxious, aggressive and confused. The toilet and time issues persisted. She would try to walk all the time and forget she couldn't. She had falls in hospital. The had to give her her own room so she wouldn't disrupt other patients and 1:1 care so she wouldn't hurt herself. She thought she could look after herself despite not responding to all prompts to dress or wash. I think there were 3 days I didn't visit in that time. She was up and down health wise and developed swallowing issues. She would refuse oral medication although would accept injections. She was desperate to go home (although referred to the home she had lived for 40 years, not the one with us) and was under DoLS. She asked about people who were dead. For a time I could only take M for short visits when she was having a good day. His dad used to sit in the cafe with him and I would ohone down if she was ok. She did not respond to any rehab efforts as could not comprehend or remember the prompts.

When she moved to the care home she hated it. She was still under DoLS for some months. Gradually she settled. Initially I went every day, it was awful. She would see me and beg me to take her home. Then she would get angry and shout or hit. They advised me to visit less so I was not her only focus so I reduced it to every other day and then 2 or 3 times a week. Now I only go every 5, 6 or 7 days but she has no concept of time and does not properly recognise me. She has few words. Sometimes she is really happy to see me, really smiley but other times she looks completely blank. She is mostly calm but needs everything doing for her and is upset and sometimes (often) aggressive during interventions. She is on puree food and thickened drinks. She has lost a lot of weight but is stable at present. She still refuses medication frequently though i think they have the balance right in terms if keeping her as calm as possible but not to sleepy. She eats well but needs feeding.

I often walk out in tears. I wouldn't wish her situation on my worst enemy.  I feel guilty that she is there despite knowing completely there is no choice. I wish I'd had more patience with her when she was forgetting to eat, refusing to change her clothes and being snappy. I would give anything to have her home to look after as she used to be and I wish I had taken her out more, despite how hard it could be at times.

You can only do what you can do and sometimes you can do a lot and it still isn't enough.

Sorry that turned into a bit of a ramble. I nearly deleted it!

xxx

 



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Offline Ms_wormwood

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #31 on: March 17, 2014, 10:10:33 AM »
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0wLcxgZN7xc
It's sad that we have to become parents to our parents when they grow old. Sad for both sides. But I hope that I can keep my patience and my love.
Onwards and upwards.

Offline LCSS

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #32 on: March 21, 2014, 11:06:35 PM »
Purplejay, how sad.  Growing old is tough and when it is accompanied by such issues I find it one of the most miserable things in the world.
There is little you can do to make things better and you can't help wondering if they are suffering in their decline.
I wish you and your Mum strength and courage.

Offline Cushion Plumper

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #33 on: March 22, 2014, 04:49:57 PM »
@ purplejay - just want to add how sad I was to read your post and know what you face each day  :'(
I am so blessed that my mum is fit and healthy and of sound mind.  Reading your post has made me treasure her even more.  Sending you a big hug and letting you know you are in my thoughts today x
It doesn't matter where you go in life, what you do or how much you have; it's who you have beside you...

Offline debs2702

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #34 on: March 23, 2014, 10:10:03 PM »
Purple Jay after reading your post it made me realise how lucky I am to not to have to face what you have to deal with. Guess the old saying is true in that if you think you have problems then try swooping with someone else, quite often you will ask for what you felt as insurmountable to be returned to you.  Next Sunday, mothers day must be particularly hard. Sending you a big hug x
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade!!

Offline Purplejay

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #35 on: March 31, 2014, 03:35:22 AM »
Just wanted to say thank you for your kind words. Mum's birthday last weekend and of course today was mothers day. Both were tough although she was better last weekend than this. Both days she was very smiley to see me. Today though, no words at first and then frustration that I could not understand her when she tried to tell me something. Often a smile, an enquiring look or nod will do the trick but not today.

On a brighter note, lovely spring flowers from M today (with the help of his dad) and no less than 3 homemade cards and a certificate for best mum :-)
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain"

Offline debs2702

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #36 on: May 16, 2014, 12:18:22 PM »
Ok folks how do I deal with this. sitting here going from angry to fuming to indifference and back to very angry again.

Won't go into detail here but mum and I are pretty cool with one another at the moment.  When I say cool I mean very frosty. 

I have hardly spoken to her for over a week.  Today my daugther when I dropped her off at high school gets a voicemail message from her sending her a RECORDED VOICEMAIL of a conversation that she has had with her very good friend.  J's phone went off as she was getting out of my car and I innocently said who's that hun.  She said nan, she's sent me a voicemail.  Hairs prickling up the back of my spine I just said OK and have a great day at school and let her get out my car and to school.  On the train into work I ask by text what does nan want?  That's when she tells me that it was a voicemail message sent to her.  I ask what's it about.  No response from J.  I then send J a text saying that pls don't delete the voicemail I intend on listening to it when I get home (I just know its about the argument that we have had)!!!  Call it female intuition.  J responds I've already deleted it.  (She never deletes anything off her phone)!! - I then ask Ok so what was it about.  I can't remember it was so early in the morning was the response.  Yeah right!!

I have told J no problem I'll just ask Vodafone to recover it for me.  Not sure that I can but I know this will get back and wanted to put the wind up both of them.  Sooo advice please.  How do I handle this? 

I, on the otherhand have not involved J in any of my argument with my mother.  As far as I am concerned, you do not get children involved in disputes whether it is your child or grandchild, especially when they are minors!   Fuming does not cut how I feel right now.  What should I do?

Thanks everyone
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Offline WT4

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Re: How often do you call/see your mum?
« Reply #37 on: May 16, 2014, 12:48:49 PM »
First off I'd be tempted to block granny from your daughter's phone ... for the duration ... being the time taken to make sure you daughter understands that she doesn't have a role to play in this drama.

Next up, you need to find a way to make your feelings absolutely clear to your mother.

FWIW: I agree with you completely about leaving minors out of disputes.

I'd guess you need to explain (as best you can) to your mother that there is no hope of solving whatever caused the rift whilst this type of teenage/juvenile/infantile behaviour continues.

Wish you peace.
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