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Author Topic: reasonable access to a one year old  (Read 15832 times)

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Offline jessiwt1

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Re: reasonable access to a one year old
« Reply #40 on: March 04, 2014, 08:53:43 PM »
Hi elvis2011, thanks for replying. I have thought of a contact centre but have heard some bad things, what is your experience of it? Also is it just your son and his father in the room or is it supervised?

I posted this almost 2 months ago, and my ex has still not mentioned wanting anymore access despite our agreement at mediation that we would review at christmas so he can't be that keen!

Can I ask do you feel that those 2 hours a fortnight are actually of use to your boy and his father? I mean do you think they are able to build a bond within that time and within that environment? thanks in advance

Offline elvis2011

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Re: reasonable access to a one year old
« Reply #41 on: March 04, 2014, 11:11:19 PM »
Hmmmmm it is supported contact, which is a room set up with toys a bit like a stay and play. with volunteers who are there to help and not directly observe any parent but step in if a child gets too distressed or they see something bad. You set the rules aswell, so changing, feeding, photos everything it is the resident parent that gets the say.

I must admit I have found it a godsend, more for the space for him to take my boy, where society isn't gonna affect him - my trust issue is not so much about his parenting but about how he reacts to things around him, and giving that structure of it is then.... he would like way more flexibility than I will give. Bond, hmmm it is a tough one, but we starting using it at just over 18 months from a cold start, had seen him twice at about 4 months and had an intermittent start to begin with. But my boy is excited on daddy days now, and does look forward to it, not so sure if it is for daddy or 'special group' as we call it as a whole - after all they do have wooden trains - but he is so excited that I think it must be working. To be fair that 2 hours is a lot when you realise they don't have to do all the other stuff around being a parent. How often do we get 2 hours solid to play with our children in one go, without having to worry about what we are giving them for dinner, or the washing, washing up, vacumming etc. I am lucky if it is once a week. Whilst believe me I would love to have him see him more, for the moment it can't be done and that 2 hours a fortnight is doing something between them.

Contact centres they vary so much now, and are moving on. Mine is still quite basic, some of them are pretty amazing but those are more likely to need a refferral, solicitors can do this or with some a mediator can. Check out this site http://www.naccc.org.uk/ and see what is in your area. Mine has been a lifeline within all this and although I hate having to spend 2 afternoons a month there i dread actually having to take access out of that setting.

Offline jessiwt1

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Re: reasonable access to a one year old
« Reply #42 on: March 04, 2014, 11:18:32 PM »
thank you I will definitely look at that website. I wish I had done this from the beginning i think!
i will keep it as a back up plan if things get worse again, for a while baby would just cry and throw himself around for an hour, last few weeks have been a bit better and has been happy to go with his dad for a short time.
don;t think we would have any issues about changing feeding etc my ex has never asked to do any of it!
thank you for the reply really helpful

Offline elvis2011

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Re: reasonable access to a one year old
« Reply #43 on: March 04, 2014, 11:30:22 PM »
It is difficult, I must admit I did one extra contact over christmas where I supervised, we met him at a good local park, and I found that quite hard. I do know though that this summer I am gonna have to allow little trips out of the centre etc as we need to make progress. I was given one piece of advice, remember once the child is talking they can tell you more. Unfortunately my boy is a late talker - getting there now though. We also do little things like he has mommy reindeer and daddy teddy(his daddy did buy him this) and he can take whichever or both to bed, invariably he cuddles up tight to both of them most nights. But it is just that little reminder when daddy is not about. I also don't shy away from making daddy pictures occassionally etc things to build the bond from all angles, as actually not only is it difficult for the child but also the NRP to not have spent that intensive time. Thats my bit though, if you ever want any advice just shout. It has been a very long journey so far and actually the very scary stuff is still to come.

Offline jessiwt1

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Re: reasonable access to a one year old
« Reply #44 on: March 05, 2014, 10:51:40 PM »
i find it very very difficult to try to positively inforce the relationship as if I'm totally honest it is not one I particularly approve of. if his dad appeared to love him or be extremely pleased to see him, bring him little gifts, ask about him etc I'm sure my attitude would change but I feel hesistant to really encourage it when I feel it might ultimately be bad for my boy.
The talking thing is something I definitely have in my mind, whilst he is a baby and I don't trust my ex to tell the truth about whether or not the baby is actually ok, I will not agree to him having him unsupervised. of course when he is talking better this will certainly help, as if my son enjoys his time with him then of course I will be pleased for him and hopefully feel like this whole experience might prove to be a positive one overall instead of the negative one it has been so far.
Does your ex show an active interest in your son? And also can I ask do you have any contact between visits? Do you allow him to call or text or anything? this was somehing that was brought up in our initial mediation and i said no to it just because it all felt like too much when he hadn;t even met the baby however i think my view on this would now be different. any advice/ tips you have would be great as you are further down the road! also on dealing with your own feelings about your ex as obviously we have to try and out this aside as much as possible, I feel jujst pure anger at his lack of interest in his baby, he has no idea how he was born, no idea when he started to have solids, what he likes to eat, when he goes to bed, when he walked, when he said his first word etc and it just makes me feel that my boy is worth so so so much more than that!

Offline Silky

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Re: reasonable access to a one year old
« Reply #45 on: April 16, 2014, 10:31:50 PM »
. I was given one piece of advice, remember once the child is talking they can tell you more.

I'm not entirely sure how good or bad this is. Kids can be quite perceptive and often treat warily in case they're seen to be having more fun with one over the other parent. (This probably comes slightly later). Mine would often simply shrug or say they hadn't done anything much at dad's, later I'd find out they'd had an action packed, fun weekend, but didn't want to rub it in knowing I was at home without them...

Silky x
A positive mental attitude may not solve all your problems but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort"

Offline Foggy

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Re: reasonable access to a one year old
« Reply #46 on: April 17, 2014, 10:23:17 AM »
Mine would often simply shrug or say they hadn't done anything much at dad's, later I'd find out they'd had an action packed, fun weekend, but didn't want to rub it in knowing I was at home without them...

I think the "hadn't done anything much" line is a general trend amongst youngsters.  O never "does anything much", but little anecdotes surface over time. He has been at school now for three years and has yet to do anything !!!!

Offline Ms_wormwood

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Re: reasonable access to a one year old
« Reply #47 on: April 17, 2014, 12:10:16 PM »

I think the "hadn't done anything much" line is a general trend amongst youngsters.  O never "does anything much", but little anecdotes surface over time. He has been at school now for three years and has yet to do anything !!!!
I don't ask 'what did you do today?' as the answer is often 'I don't know' or 'nothing' I ask instead, 'did anything make you laugh today?' 'Did anything make you sad today?' 'Which corner did you go to at free-play time?' 'Can you sing a song you learned today?'. quite often the answer is still 'I don't know' but I think if questions are more specific they are more likely to remember.
Onwards and upwards.

Offline Silky

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Re: reasonable access to a one year old
« Reply #48 on: April 17, 2014, 01:29:14 PM »
Mine would probably work best if I asked:
"How many times did your sister wind you up today?"
"Who started grumbling first?"
"What were you doing that distracted you from your homework?..."


 :) :)

Silky x
A positive mental attitude may not solve all your problems but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort"

Offline Foggy

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Re: reasonable access to a one year old
« Reply #49 on: April 17, 2014, 02:07:43 PM »

I think the "hadn't done anything much" line is a general trend amongst youngsters.  O never "does anything much", but little anecdotes surface over time. He has been at school now for three years and has yet to do anything !!!!
I don't ask 'what did you do today?' as the answer is often 'I don't know' or 'nothing' I ask instead, 'did anything make you laugh today?' 'Did anything make you sad today?' 'Which corner did you go to at free-play time?' 'Can you sing a song you learned today?'. quite often the answer is still 'I don't know' but I think if questions are more specific they are more likely to remember.


I shall give that a try :-)    Thanks

Offline jessiwt1

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Re: reasonable access to a one year old
« Reply #50 on: June 19, 2014, 01:22:55 AM »
@elvis2011 hi, hope you dont mind me asking, how are thing going for you and yoir son?  Have things progressed any further? We are still stuck at the 1 hr a week at a soft play area and it is getting more and more stressful as the weeks go on!

Offline elvis2011

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Re: reasonable access to a one year old
« Reply #51 on: June 19, 2014, 11:14:19 PM »
Hi, no your fine to ask. We seem to be moving on, a bit too rapidly for my liking at moments, he seems to be turning his life around and settling down. So kinda think maybe I gotta give him the chance, after all I was in the same place as him before I got pregnant, just turned it around quicker. We are in discussion about how quickly we go at the moment, see my 'when to take the plunge' thread below this one. To be fair I am scared shitless but like you I was getting fustrated with the constant conflicting opinions and well how long you wait doesn't guarentee success. Struggling to get the concerns I have answered though so whether it happens we shall still see.

Did you look into contact centres at all, I know ours has gone over to a new self refferal system which means there safeguarding checks are a lot more in depth and all done by a specified social worker. So they can get a lot more info and make a much more informed recommendation of how to continue.

 

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