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Author Topic: Feeling a little lost  (Read 5400 times)

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Offline Stuart

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Feeling a little lost
« on: September 08, 2012, 11:37:25 AM »
Recently I have been feeling a little lost and looking at my life due to chats with Doctors, for those that don't know I lost my father 4 years ago and my mother the year later. It is coming up to the time of the year when my mother passed away.

I felt very numb at the time to it all as I was dealing with issues with my ex and daughter and had to go through courts, social services and the rest ot it. That is all history now my daughter lives with me and everything has settled down.

But lately I have started to think about my parents far more and I was wondering if any others that have sadly lost parents had these thoughts a few years after the passing? It just seems like such a delayed reaction and for the first time in a long time I have felt alone and lost. I did not even cry at the funerals because I guess I was so hardened to the stuff I was going through at the time, but the last few days it has all come out. So I would be interested to know if others have been through the same kind of thing.

Stuart
Laughter is always the best medicine, unless your a diabetic then insulin works better.

Offline STH

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Re: Feeling a little lost
« Reply #1 on: September 08, 2012, 11:42:57 AM »
Hi Stuart,

 you forgot to mention, also, that you had health problems yourself a while back.  What you're saying about being 'hardened' at the time, and it's only hitting you now that other things have setteld down (and are less on your mind) makes sense.

Take care, mate.

Peter
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Offline WT4

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Re: Feeling a little lost
« Reply #2 on: September 08, 2012, 12:09:05 PM »
Stuart

It's perfectly natural mate - you didn't have the time/energy/focus to grieve at the time and you're going through it now.

I lost a gf/partner to cancer around 20 years ago - some aspects of the grieving process are only now surfacing.

Grief is a good thing - a useful process for filing and cataloging that your psyche must undertake, in part to make sense of the world.
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Offline Cushion Plumper

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Re: Feeling a little lost
« Reply #3 on: September 08, 2012, 01:19:48 PM »
Hi Stuart,

Big hugs to you, I know what it's like to lose a much loved parent as I lost my dad 10 years ago.
Thankfully I still have my mum and I hate to think what life would be like for me without her.

Grief and bereavement is unpredictable and is something to never feel embarrassed/awkward/bad about no matter how much later in life we get upset about losing someone.  I have many happy memories of my dad and when I'm with my family we can talk about him and have a laugh and a joke without it causing any tears whatsover, and then one day I can be polishing a lovely photo I have of him in my living room and just burst into tears because I miss him so much.  As I type this I am looking at a photo of me and him together on my wall and I am looking at it with happy memories and no desire to cry at all - but that is how I feel about it today.  Another day could be another story.

One of the ways I deal with my grief is this:

As I am now a parent myself then the happiness of my son is paramount.  I know that if anything was to happen to me then he would be devastated and grieve dreadfully.  But as a parent I would not want him to grieve to the extent that he is so sad and depressed that it affects his life and his opportunities.  I know he would miss me but I would want him to get over that as soon as he could and as positively as he could.  I would want him to remember our times together and reflect on them with happiness rather than sadness.  I want him to continue in a way that I would be proud of him and the person who he has become (I would not want him to turn to drink or drugs to numb the  pain).  That is what I as a parent want for the child I love and by knowing this then I know that that is also what my dad would want for me.  Knowing how much my dad loved me and was proud of me has made me strong enough to keep on going and keep on being the daughter he knew and I draw strength from the fact that because I am dealing with my bereavement OK then he will be happy.

I am sure your parents would want the same for you.  xx
« Last Edit: September 08, 2012, 02:03:10 PM by Cushion Plumper »
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Offline Stuart

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Re: Feeling a little lost
« Reply #4 on: September 08, 2012, 03:03:07 PM »
Thank you and I agree it is unpredictable and I have always tried to be open and honest with thoughts and feelings and Peter touched on it about my health and I kind of have a mechanism to deal with stuff because of my transplant, but as with all of us we have feelings and I guess having time brings it all out.

It's a strange kind of feeling and I can't quite put my finger on it, but I will figure it out :)

Stuart

Laughter is always the best medicine, unless your a diabetic then insulin works better.

Offline helleshine

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Re: Feeling a little lost
« Reply #5 on: September 08, 2012, 08:19:25 PM »
thinking of you

Offline Deborah43

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Re: Feeling a little lost
« Reply #6 on: September 08, 2012, 10:25:09 PM »
Hi Stuart

I read your post earlier today and have been wondering all day how to offer some support when I have no experience of losing a parent and have not experienced some of the health issues you have (which I agree probably play a large part in how you're feeling because of the how and the when of everything happening).  I can only offer a virtual hug (the most useless of all the hugs) and offer the thought that we sometimes have time to look back and reflect on what has been and what might be ahead and it can all seem overwhelming.

It'll only be overwhelming for a moment I hope.  Take care.

Deb
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Offline lulubird

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Re: Feeling a little lost
« Reply #7 on: September 09, 2012, 12:26:04 PM »
Hi Stuart

I think that what you are describing is completely normal.  If we aren't able to deal with emotions at the time of an event, they will usually surface at a later date when we are able to deal with them.  What I think this says about you, is that you are in a good place at the moment, a place where you are strong enough to be able to deal with how you feel about losing your parents.  Grief is a very complex process, there is no time limit, or correct way for it to happen.  I think the only thing to worry about is if you got 'stuck' feeling a certain way, and were unable to move on from that.

Like you say, you will figure out how you are feeling, and that is all part of the healing process. 

Lots of love to you  :-*

Jo 

 

Offline Stuart

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Re: Feeling a little lost
« Reply #8 on: September 09, 2012, 08:59:43 PM »
Thank's for your comments, it's good to hear other experiences and views.

I am sure I will have another few days like that maybe like WT4 say's 20 years from now who knows what is around the corner, either way I have surprised myself by even talking about out which has to be a positive :)

Stuart
Laughter is always the best medicine, unless your a diabetic then insulin works better.

Offline MichealP

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Re: Feeling a little lost
« Reply #9 on: September 09, 2012, 10:24:26 PM »
Its completely normal, especially as when someone passes away you don't have the time to grieve what is happening due to all the different things you have to organise/help organise. Just as things calm down again and you're life seems to be getting back on track it hits you.

I have lost both of my parents, well I have a step mother (my mum died when I was 9), but it isn't anywhere near the same. Sometimes it comes into my head that I'm an orphan, its weird you can accept that they aren't there anymore but it never seems or feels normal again.

Offline Ann Stig (official SWK booking name)

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Re: Feeling a little lost
« Reply #10 on: September 10, 2012, 09:21:12 AM »
Hi Stuart,

Having lost my dad and recently, my brother.  I can understand.....as has already been said,mthere are good and bad days.  Generally the bad days get fewer though.  I do believe the grieving process is paramount and if you feel you did not grieve properly then this will continue longer. I know my brother really suffered years after my dads death, ib comparison to his 3 sisters. Mis this a man thing maybe?

Also, as already been touched on by Peter, you had some serious health and personal issues ate the time. Mimalso know you are a little worried at the moment over your health.  Could it be that your parents were your support mechanism during our illness and your missing that support mechanism now? Hi lighting your grief?

Hugs to you mate

Ann xx

Offline Richtee

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Re: Feeling a little lost
« Reply #11 on: September 16, 2012, 04:41:14 PM »
I lost my Dad last year August 2nd, I was chatting about it all the other day at work and I nearly broke down, I had a real lump in my throat, I've been able to talk about quite freely at times since.

But in July my niece took her life at just 29, it has really affected me badly.

 

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