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Author Topic: 16 yrs ago today and still remembered x  (Read 7285 times)

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Offline zanywoman

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16 yrs ago today and still remembered x
« on: August 31, 2011, 10:22:04 AM »
Today is a very hard day for me as it is every year.  My facebook friends will have seen a post I put on yesterday when I needed to acknowledge this day coming and remember someone very special to me.  The hugs and thoughtful words, even from those who have only met me once or twice brought a lump to my throat and I do appreciate them thank you so much.

16 years ago today my first husband, and my first (maybe only) real love, committed suicide.  He was found hanging in our local park early in the morning of Sept 1st, but was last seen in the pub nearby at 9pm on Aug 31st and I just know it was not long after this he died. I think I prefer to think that he wasnt wandering around for hours suffering and that it was over quickly for him.  So this is the day I remember him. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3_85GXsKqk&feature=player_embedded

I hope this link works.  It says it all and makes me cry whenever I hear it. Ok so the song is about a 17 yr old but apart from that it fits. I so wish I could go back in time and change everything.  I know he must have been suffering from depression but he hid it so well. No-one knew. He was the life and soul of every party and well loved. He'd give the shirt off his back if he thought someone needed it.  Although I 'moved on', and have since been re-married, had 2 more wonderful children, and seperated, I have never forgotten him and will always love him.

My 3 eldest children have had to grow up not knowing their amazing dad.  The eldest were only 2 and 3 when he died and I discovered I was expecting Josh about 2 wks after the funeral so he never even met him. 

Mitch, I miss you and will always have a place in my heart reserved just for you.  I hope you are looking down on your wonderful children and are as proud of them as I am.  I love you and hope you have found peace xxx

Tracey xxx
While we teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life's all about.

Offline Paul

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Re: 16 yrs ago today and still remembered x
« Reply #1 on: August 31, 2011, 10:36:11 AM »
Thats so sad, my heart goes out to you and your family xx
Looking at the past must only be a means of understanding more clearly what and who they are so that they can more wisely build the future.” ― Paulo Freire

Offline annecoates

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Re: 16 yrs ago today and still remembered x
« Reply #2 on: August 31, 2011, 01:05:29 PM »
How very sad.  Big hugs to you and your family.
 
xxx

Offline Timmy Mac

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Re: 16 yrs ago today and still remembered x
« Reply #3 on: August 31, 2011, 03:02:21 PM »
A sad but very beautiful post.
 
He sounds like he was a good man and a good husband troubled by demons.
 
And you sound like a marvellous wife and mother.
 
I envy you the love you once enjoyed and am desperately sorry for the grief and sorrow you endured and still do
 
all the best..
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Offline Happimamma

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Re: 16 yrs ago today and still remembered x
« Reply #4 on: August 31, 2011, 03:10:48 PM »
Wow, that's stopped me in my tracks.
We really do have to treasure and make time for those we love.
Thank-you for sharing Tracey - If this life is just a blink of an eye then you may be reunited when the time is right.
Lots of love to you and your family.
Kendra xxx
 

Offline delly

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Re: 16 yrs ago today and still remembered x
« Reply #5 on: August 31, 2011, 03:33:16 PM »
Sending you all lots of love and positive thoughts today.
 
Hugs.xxxx

Offline Beanzie

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Re: 16 yrs ago today and still remembered x
« Reply #6 on: August 31, 2011, 04:48:11 PM »
How dreadfully sad.  I'm sure he is looking down on you all & both proud of his children & you for overcoming such tragedy & doing such a great job of being mum & dad for your children.


P xx

Offline Deborah43

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Re: 16 yrs ago today and still remembered x
« Reply #7 on: August 31, 2011, 06:05:15 PM »
Love and hugs Tracey, it's such a touching story. xx
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Offline Mand

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Re: 16 yrs ago today and still remembered x
« Reply #8 on: August 31, 2011, 06:59:58 PM »
Big hugs xx

Offline Cupcake123

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Re: 16 yrs ago today and still remembered x
« Reply #9 on: August 31, 2011, 07:05:45 PM »
Hope you and your children have had loads of hugs and felt lots of love today (virtual and in real life too!) xxxx

Offline WT4

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Re: 16 yrs ago today and still remembered x
« Reply #10 on: August 31, 2011, 07:43:28 PM »
speechless - thinking of you all x
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Offline Stuart

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Re: 16 yrs ago today and still remembered x
« Reply #11 on: August 31, 2011, 08:08:31 PM »
It is a pleasure to know you Tracey and hope you get through today ok xx
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Offline Rockbabe

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Re: 16 yrs ago today and still remembered x
« Reply #12 on: August 31, 2011, 08:50:11 PM »
aww tracey thats so sad, sending a big hug to you and the kids, thinking of you
xx

Offline zanywoman

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Re: 16 yrs ago today and still remembered x
« Reply #13 on: August 31, 2011, 10:09:33 PM »
Thank you to you all. 

Its been a long day, but we've kept busy for most of it.  The teens have finished painting their bedrooms and the little ones and I have cleared out the outhouse and a friend has taken a load of junk to the tip for me.  The teens like hearing nice things about their dad  :) but as they dont really remember him they dont grieve in quite the same way i do.  Its nice actually - they have the happy memories I've shared with them over the years but can ignore the sad stuff.

I've shed a few (well more than a few) tears through the day.  Although I havent had the strength to reply to your lovely thoughts and comments until now I have popped in from time to time and read them and feel very blessed thank you. Its on days like this that I catch myself thinking back and trying to work out if I should have known, or if I could have done something, but it was something that came totally out of the blue.  Although its been 16 yrs, today it doesnt feel like it. 

As Happimamma says we really do need to cherish those we love everyday and not take what we have for granted  :( .

Though I feel a bit raw tonight I'll be fine in a few days. 
Thank you again  :-* :-*

Tracey x
While we teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life's all about.

Offline Dora

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Re: 16 yrs ago today and still remembered x
« Reply #14 on: August 31, 2011, 11:03:24 PM »
Tracey, you couldn't have done anythingand there was no reason you should have known. The fact that you didn't know and that he hid it from you just shows to me how there wasn't anything you could have done. It's  a terrible illness, and I guess one he was trying to protect you from until it beat him. My brother committed suicide in the same way and we knew he was depressed but there was nothing we could do - even though I knew he was going to commit suicide at some point.
 
Look after yourself xxx
 
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Offline Silky

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Re: 16 yrs ago today and still remembered x
« Reply #15 on: September 01, 2011, 10:24:48 AM »
A huge big hug Tracey, I can only imagine how heartbreaking it was to lose your husband in this way, suicide leaves so many questions left unanswered.


I'm sure your husband is looking down on you extremely proud of how you've raised the children and the life you've rebuilt for yourself.


Silky x
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Offline zanywoman

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Re: 16 yrs ago today and still remembered x
« Reply #16 on: September 01, 2011, 12:07:10 PM »
Hi,
Thank you again for the thoughtful, supportive replys  :)

Dora, Thank you  :) .  Most of the time I know there is nothing I could have done.    I understand how he must have felt, more now than I did, as I have since 'lived' with depression myself, and was having suicidal thoughts at one time before I got treatment and counselling. I looked at my children though and sought help.  To be so far down the road that there is no coming back must have been horrendous for him  :( .   I suppose its natural every now and then to wallow in 'if onlys' and thats where I was yesterday.  I'm so sorry you're family went through this and lost your brother in this way.  Depression is a terrible demon to fight and its horrendous when someone close to us loses that fight  :( ((((hugs))))

Silky,  When I was told about his death it almost finished me.  It was the single most horrific thing I've been through, my whole world fell apart.  I thank God every day for my children because they brought me through and kept me going.  Its impossible to stay in bed and give up when you have 2 small hungry children asking for breakfast.  I also had a baby growing inside of me that needed his mum.  They needed me to help them through too so thats what I concentrated on for a long time.  I will never have the answers I needed back then.  My heart shattered that day and took a long time to mend.  A small part of it never will. 

I certainly hope he's looking down on his children and is proud of them.  They have come through so much and are wonderful young people - a credit to themselves, despite being brought up by a single mum for a large chunk of their lives.  ;)    ;D    ;D

Tracey x

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