I don't usually talk about this as it is so utterly painful that it s difficult to handle but... lying in bed at 3:30 am on the morning of Sara's birthday, I should be fast asleep and happy.
Yet as it is also my Mother's birthday, I am unable to sleep, tears unstoppable. My Mother passed away almost eight years ago, when Sara was exactly 10 weeks old. I am far from accepting or 'over' it and the pain is still immense.
She was my very best friend and her love for me such that I will never experience again. I miss everything... her scent, her voice, our endless gossip, days out, dinner parties, long phone calls, coffee or even just watching TV together.
I'm also so sad Sara will never know her. So jealous and in pain when I see mothers with both their mother and child out and about.
I very rarely open up about this as fear the reaction it may bring but can't sleep, in deep pain so trying this avenue of vent.
Memories are so very painful. Time has not healed almost at all. There is so much still to be done and said together and not a day goes by without the desparate ache of missing her. Although no-one would know as I'm generally outwardly fine and happy.
Although perhaps very sensitive soul type people may pick up on my deep rooted sadness.
Eight years may seem long, yet in losing my Mother, seems no time at all, in terms of healing. I will have to live with this forever.
Have considered grief counselling but am terrified feelings may be brought to the surface, such that are unbearable and I wouldn't be able to handle.
Well, I've opened up. Perhaps it will help.