The two babies I lost through miscarriage would have been 3 and 4 this month. I'm ok about it, their loss will never leave me but I have learnt to live with it.
It just feels so sad that no-one else other than me remembers them. So many people don't understand miscarriage and think because I lost them early it wasn't a real baby, or because I have E that replaces them, but it doesn't. They were real people, with them came my hopes and dreams, my chance to be a mum.
I can remember every part of the miscarriages like it was yesterday. I don't have any scan pictures of the first baby, Jasmine, but I can still remember the scan and seeing her on the screen - her heart never started beating. The second baby Jess, her heart did start beating and I do have a scan of her.
I always feel a bit sad the month of January because I don't have exact birthdates for them. I still think about what could have been, but it doesn't hurt so much now, I just miss them. I guess it is hard for some people to understand how you can miss someone you never actually met, but they were my babies. The devastation of losing them is one of the hardest things I have ever gone through.
They paved the way for E though. If I hadn't have had the two miscarriages, I wouldn't have found out what was wrong with me and I wouldn't have had the right treatment during my 3rd pregnancy to help carry her full term. I'm so grateful and lucky to have E. If it wasn't for them, I may not have E, so no matter how tiny they were, or the fact that only I remember them, they played a huge role in their short lives and I am proud to be their mum.