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Author Topic: Still sad but moving on  (Read 5163 times)

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Offline Optimistic at all times

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Still sad but moving on
« on: September 04, 2010, 09:30:26 AM »
Hi everyone, not been on here for sometime due to probably the worst year of my life.  New job and various other things to contend with and then fathers day this year my daughters dad dies and devastation like Ive never felt before has hit the both of us.  For the first 2 weeks I just wasnt functioning at all completly and utterly consumed by grief and thank god for my friends who did the practical stuff like making me and molly eat.  Anyway I wasnt with him we had been splitt up for 8 years and we had our moments where he was a complete arsehole but when it was good we got on brilliantly and he was a huge part of both our lives and i miss him sooooo much but its time to move on and just accept what has happened hard as that has been and be the best parent i can be to Molly who now has a mum who has to play dad too.  Gonna get back out there and meet up with people make more friends and give molly the best childhood ever.  Am thinking of making fresh start and moving to Doncaster - I have friends up there and it would enable me to live mortgage free nearly so I wouldnt have to work so much and would have more time for Molly.  So anyone that lives up there or nearby be good to hear from you.  Also be nice to hear from anyone who has experienced similar loss and their experience with it. 

Take care everyone and hope to meet some of you either for the first time or again soon

Debbie x

Offline Silky

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Re: Still sad but moving on
« Reply #1 on: September 04, 2010, 02:31:06 PM »
So sorry to hear of your loss Debbie, even though separated these things can still hit you very hard. There've been a couple of similar cases on here (I think there's a post or two in the bereavement section), you're definitely not alone in this.

Take things easy and don't rush into anything (including a move perhaps?), you both need time to recover.

Big hugs to both of you,
Silky x
A positive mental attitude may not solve all your problems but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort"

Offline MelM

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Re: Still sad but moving on
« Reply #2 on: September 04, 2010, 10:40:55 PM »
Hi Debbie,

I am sorry to hear of your loss. We have a similar situation and know how tough it is. Like yourself when my childrens father died we moved but I rather foolishly moved away from my support network, which was probably a big mistake. The more support you can get the better really, both professional and family n friends. The swk bereavement advice helps you to understand whats going on and why you feel the way you do. but it takes time and it will probably take alot longer than you imagine but with the right help and support it will be easier to deal with. Like yourself I try to focus on my children and making our future as bright as poss, after all we still have each other and deserve a lovely life together.

Sending you all my best wishes.

Melx

Offline Optimistic at all times

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Re: Still sad but moving on
« Reply #3 on: September 04, 2010, 11:20:53 PM »
Thanks for your supportive replies, its only 2 months since it happend and was very unexpected he died on fathers day and I dont want to go into what happened as ive hid the truth from my daughter but its completely shook me and the future is scarey with the onus of mum an dad being me. I want to move away as I will be able to spend far more time with my daughter as I think this is what she needs and i do have a good friend where Im thinking of going to.Just never expected to feel this sad and upset its my first experience with death and its horrible x


Offline danensis

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Re: Still sad but moving on
« Reply #4 on: September 05, 2010, 06:19:24 PM »
I was born and brought up in Doncaster, and my parents and my sister still live there, so if there is anything you need to know send me an email and I'll put you in touch. My sister fitted hearing aids for deaf children, so she is familiar with all the schools in the area.

John
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Offline ricardo

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Re: Still sad but moving on
« Reply #5 on: September 05, 2010, 08:58:57 PM »
Hi Debbie.

I'm very sorry to hear of the sad loss of your ex.  I haven't experienced this type of event, but I am familar with the feelings of grief that followed when my father passed away.  Everyone is different and we react with different intensities, but most people will go through a cycle of shock, disbelief, anger, guilt, sadness (or depression) and finally acceptance.  I suffered terribly, felt sick and stopped eating, which resulted in losing quite a bit of weight.  My sleeping patterns were all over the place too, which didn't help with regulating moods and I felt physical pain, but Silky was always there to help me through with a comforting hug and a shoulder to cry on.  I remember once, being sat on a stone wall in the churchyard at Ashbourne and Chrissie pulled out a spare sock from her handbag, and handed it to me to dry my tears, as I had no tissues left! 

I found that long walks in the countryside really helped me to come to terms with my loss and being out in the daylight probably helped too.  Don't worry too much about a supressed appetite, as you'll find yourself naturally eating small meals or just a fewer meals instead, but your body won't let you starve - I went down to one or two meals a day, but just follow your bodies natural rhythm with regards to its needs and you'll be OK.  This goes for crying too - I found that I cried most when on my own, either when out walking through the fields or when alone in the evening before bedtime.  I found crying quite a cathartic and cleansing experience, and I certainly wouldn't advocate bottling up your sadness without some form of outlet.

Bit by bit you'll get stronger.  The only other thing I'd say is that going through the grieving process isn't a linear experience.  Some days you'll think that you're over the worst and then for seemingly no apparent reason, you'll have a surge of sadness again, which is completely normal.  As time goes by as you progress through recovery, the gaps between the sad episodes will be progressively wider.  For some people (myself included), it really helps to have someone who can listen to your innermost thoughts, but there are other times when you want to be by yourself to wallow in sadness to help get it out of your system.

If you want to learn more about grieving and how to cope, please click this link: http://www.singlewithkids.co.uk/grief2.htm .  Once on the page, the menu on the left side will take you through the various stages with ideas on how to cope.  I think you have a healthy outlook insofar as immersing yourself in Molly's childhood - it will help you both to recover.

Take your time and don't rush your healing.  With best wishes,

Richard
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