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Author Topic: i feel lost  (Read 5856 times)

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Offline vic1389

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i feel lost
« on: July 24, 2010, 03:32:23 PM »
hi i lost my partner of 13 yrs 3 months ago he had pancreatic cancer he was only 28 now im left with our 4 small children aged 10,8,7,5 i still cant seem to let it register kids are up and down with there emotions which im finding hard we only found out he had months to live so we promised the kids we would fill them months with happy memories 5 days later he ended up in a hospice where we got married then the next day he was dead just feel so robbed and kids hate the fact they never got the months they expected then to find out that hardly any research goes into pc when it should as there are no symptoms makes me mad and because of my husbands age my children have to genectics test to see if there a chance they could get it in future iv never known anything different in my life its always been me and him we had the kids early so we could enjoy  life l8er on i feel so angry at him in a way i know it sounds stupid as it was not his fault but cant believe he gone and left us i dont feel like my lifes my own anymore as act so differentley now i try not to think about him so i can get through day and act bubbly but really im dying inside have to go to sleep exhausted so i dont think about it my 8 yr old does not sleep very well either he has to keep checking im breathing which makes me sad even more knowing he does that i look at the kids and thinnk how much they going to miss out on not having him around its summer hols and dont want to take them out as just reminds me instead of family of 6 its now 5 i know i have to try 4 them but just find it to hard plus they getting a bit of a handful which is a hard struggle on my own im so sorry for my long rant just needed to let it all out

Offline eamesey79

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Re: i feel lost
« Reply #1 on: July 24, 2010, 04:35:32 PM »
Hi I'm not suprised you feel lost. I am sorry i don't have a great deal of advice as I have never been through anything like what you are going through, but there will be people on here that do and will be able to offer you advice and support. You have done the right thing coming onto a site like this for support and i hope you get what you need soon.  x

Offline sunflora

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Re: i feel lost
« Reply #2 on: July 24, 2010, 05:29:19 PM »
Oh boy, I am so sorry for your loss and connot begin to understand what you must be going through.  Do you have any support around that can help out - your parents/his parents?  There are a few SKWers on here who have lost their partners so I am sure they will be able offer more constructive advise - although everybodys situation is different.  Have you been offered counselling?  Both for yourself and the children.

You have found a good place in SWK and I hope you gets what you are looking for

Welcome :)
There have been many times this year when I've disturbed you, troubled you, pestered you. irritated you, bugged you or just plainly got on your nerves so today I just wanted to tell you... TOUGH poop! There are no changes scheduled for 2010!!! ENJOY! X

Offline vic1389

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Re: i feel lost
« Reply #3 on: July 24, 2010, 07:00:00 PM »
hi i fell out with cruise because they said my children had to refer themselves which i thought stupid due to there ages and thats its normal to grieve 4 3 months which made me reply am i abnormal then after 3 months so we have got no councilling at mo my doc is gr8 i talk to him every now and then

Offline Salsa_66

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Re: i feel lost
« Reply #4 on: July 24, 2010, 08:48:21 PM »
I know how you feel, I lost my partner to Liver cancer, we had been togther for 14 yrs, its coming up to two years now and I still grieve for her, we had no counciling at all,
please feel free to contact me if you want a chat anytime, talking helps alot.  Big Hugs to you and your children xxxxxx

Offline vic1389

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Re: i feel lost
« Reply #5 on: July 25, 2010, 07:14:40 PM »
thanks i just feel everything is going to fast its 3 months now but feels like yesterday and my partners bday coming up in august im dreading it also my little boys after that and i have never had to put candles on the kids cakes because he always did it i dont know if i can iv never watched someone die til then and keep getting flashbacks every now and then and when i get them i feel all strange like im going to scream and whats haunts me the most even though il never get the answer is what happens when you die is it like people say it is or does everything stop and theres nothing am i even normal thinking this sorry bout the rant

Offline sageangel

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Re: i feel lost
« Reply #6 on: July 25, 2010, 08:00:41 PM »
Hi Vic,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I can only imagine how you must be feeling and welcome to the site. You have reached out and we are here for you.

Who knows what happens when we die? Do you have any religious beliefs- is it worth thinking about going to speak with the local vicar or priest? My Dad was a vicar, and we would often get people just pitch up at home ( which was the vicarage of course!) and he would just listen to their story. Even if you don't have religious beliefs it might be a way of trying to get some understanding to your questions.

The only other advice I would give is to keep posting here- ranting gets it out of your system doesn't it? You have done an amazing job coping with the first 3 months. Keep going.

LOL
x

Offline danensis

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Re: i feel lost
« Reply #7 on: August 08, 2010, 05:09:39 PM »
Sorry to be so late responding, but I've been away.

I found Cruse quite helpful for me, and Tim's school fixed him up with a mentor when he was having problems with his behaviour and, although the mentor told me he never talked about Sue, he seemed to enjoy the company of someone other than me.

Several people told me that as a rough "rule of thumb" people grieve for a month for every year they were together. Sue and I were together for 35 years, and it was over two years before I really felt human again - midsummerseve and SWK helped a lot in bringing me out of myself.

Luckily my son was a bit older than your children when his mum died, but the "sturm und drang" of adolescence is quite enough for a teenager without that added burden.

If you need to talk privately I can still read emails, even though I can't respond through this site.

John
Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity

Offline Blue Sky

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Re: i feel lost
« Reply #8 on: August 08, 2010, 06:15:53 PM »
Not sure there is a time limit to grief - but there is definitely a process and sadly you are having to go through the process.

As to after life, I personally have no religious beliefs but I do believe that your partner will live on in your children and in your memories of him.  For me, that is really important.

As it all happened so fast and you didnt get your promised last months, once you are all feeling stronger, perhaps you could all spend some time thinking about and choosing your favorite times or funny things from the times you did have together.  You could get the kids to write it down or draw a picture, get copies of photos etc and make a little scrapbook.

I am sure you are doing the absolute best you can in the circumstances - It will get easier.   
Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.

Offline zanywoman

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Re: i feel lost
« Reply #9 on: August 08, 2010, 08:17:41 PM »


Several people told me that as a rough "rule of thumb" people grieve for a month for every year they were together. Sue and I were together for 35 years, and it was over two years before I really felt human again - midsummerseve and SWK helped a lot in bringing me out of myself.



John


Hi,
I dont think there are any rules when it comes to grieve.  My first husband committed suicide after we'd been together for 6 yrs (married for 4) and I'd say it took me a good 4 years to be anywhere near feeling human, and was still grieving to some extent 10 yrs later (even though I was re-married by then - no wonder that one didnt work out really)  It was definitely 6-7 years before I stopped feeling 'numb' and started dealing with having emotions again.  You need to be kind to yourself, take one day at a time and allow yourself time to grieve.  I definitely think it would help to have some counselling, with hindsight I wish I had had some back then.  Just talking with someone will help the process (just my opinion of course). 

I do believe we continue on in some way after death, and that he is around you in some way.  My husband was a heavy smoker and even 6 months or so after his death I would smell a strong odour of cigarette smoke in my house.  No one else smoked, so I always took it as a sign that he was around me in some way.  Again, thats just my opinion, I dont know if it helps you at all.

Sending ((((((((hugs)))))))) to you all
take care

Tracey xx
While we teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life's all about.

 

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