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Author Topic: Still in shock, lost my best friend & husband 44 suddenly last month  (Read 8778 times)

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Offline Elaine C

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Hi,
The last words I said to my husband were, see you in a bit. I went to the shops with my sister, picked up my daughters from their friends and returned home.
My husband had died suddenly of a brain hemorrhage, he was cold on the bedroom floor & had died alone. I just keep going over all the things I could have done to save him. The coroner said I couldn't have saved him, but at least I could have held him. how could a month have passed me by, I still feel frozen in that moment. This is so unreal, we had been together since we were 25. All around me is organization, utilities, name changes, ignorant solicitors with false sympathy voices, lovely neighbours with flowers & people who don't know what to say to you. Life

Offline jct

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Re: Still in shock, lost my best friend & husband 44 suddenly last month
« Reply #1 on: March 15, 2010, 09:31:41 PM »
Oh Elaine, what a sad story.
How brave you are with your determination to go on.
I have no idea what to say to you.
My heart goes out to you and your girls.


Judy

Offline monkeys mom

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Re: Still in shock, lost my best friend & husband 44 suddenly last month
« Reply #2 on: March 15, 2010, 09:35:10 PM »
Hi Elaine - I'm afraid I'm one of those people who have no words but couldn't just read and run. Your grief is so raw and I;m sure there are still so many unanswered questions but whilst I have no doubt you would have wanted to be with your husband would he have wanted you to see him go? The most poignant part of your post to me was his last words to you and that they were so normal, would he want you to remember him any other way.

There are many on here who have lost loved ones and can offer better words than I but I really do hope that you and your daughters find the support you need.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you
Lisa
Sometimes when you give up on someone, its not because you don't care but because you realise that they don't.

Offline rox

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Re: Still in shock, lost my best friend & husband 44 suddenly last month
« Reply #3 on: March 15, 2010, 09:40:49 PM »
Elaine, am really sorry for your loss.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughters.
Take care of each other.
K x

Offline SM2

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Re: Still in shock, lost my best friend & husband 44 suddenly last month
« Reply #4 on: March 15, 2010, 09:46:22 PM »
Hi Elaine, I'm really sorry I am also one who doesn't know what to say.

You have come to the right place though as there are a few on here that have lost loved ones sadly and may be able to give you some good advice x


Offline Dora

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Re: Still in shock, lost my best friend & husband 44 suddenly last month
« Reply #5 on: March 15, 2010, 09:56:20 PM »
Hi Elaine,
I think Lisa is right - I'm not comparing the situation by any means, but when my brother died, I had sat with him all day in hospital. He died a couple of hours after I had left and at the time I was really upset - why had I not stayed a bit longer. But now I think he waited till I had left and he was on his own so I didn't have to go through that. He knew that me and his family loved him as I am sure your husband did (I hope I am not being patronising by generalising like that).

There will always be those who don't know what to say, who cross the road rather than speak to you, as death is one of those taboo subjects. You and your girls will be able to talk about your husband and remember the happy times. A month is no time at all. It must all seem like yesterday. 

My thoughts are with you all.

Leigh
xx
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder…”– Thoreau

Offline elliefreya

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Re: Still in shock, lost my best friend & husband 44 suddenly last month
« Reply #6 on: March 15, 2010, 10:08:40 PM »
Hi Elaine and welcome to SWK.

 I am so sorry you had to find us under such sad circumstances, but I really hope you will be able to use the site- and the many wonderful people on here- as a source of friendship and support, and in some instances a mutual understanding  for what you and your your girls have been and are going  through.
 
The sad loss of your husband was so unexpected, it is no wonder you are still reeling from the shock, yet I am full of admiration for the way in which your determination to carry on for your girls has shone through in your profile. I'm sure this inner strength will help you in time.

 If there is anything you can gain from this site, it is a myriad of support and information from different people's experiences in one place, helping you to gain confidence in your circumstances and get back on your feet again step by step.

Take care of yourself, and make sure if you need anything to shout out. There will always be people on here to talk to, offering advice,a hand of friendship, and maybe eventually some lighter moments along the way.

Take a look at your local regional boards for meets/ members in your local area and see if there is anything local to you that you and your girls may like to join in with when you are ready.

Lorri xx

Offline inferno

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Re: Still in shock, lost my best friend & husband 44 suddenly last month
« Reply #7 on: March 15, 2010, 10:20:46 PM »
Hi Elaine and welcome to SWK

I to am at a loss for words.  My thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughters at this time.

I wish i had the words to say that would comfort you but i dont.  Did not want to read and run though

x

Offline hells bells

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Re: Still in shock, lost my best friend & husband 44 suddenly last month
« Reply #8 on: March 15, 2010, 10:54:00 PM »
thoughts a prayers are with you and your girls - take it one step at a time

Hells xxx
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Offline danensis

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Re: Still in shock, lost my best friend & husband 44 suddenly last month
« Reply #9 on: March 15, 2010, 11:15:18 PM »
At this stage nothing anyone says is going to help. All I can tell you is that it does get better eventually - after five years I can now start to make jokes about things.

There is a "rule of thumb" which suggests you need a month of grieving for every year you were together, so you've a long way to go yet, but there are several people on here who know what you are going through, and you're talking about it, which is always a big help.

I'm happy to talk at any time - my mobile is on all the time for work, so I'm used to people calling me at odd times.

I'm currently reading a book "The Empty Bed" by Susan Wallbank which has been a big help to me.

John
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Offline TravellingChick

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Re: Still in shock, lost my best friend & husband 44 suddenly last month
« Reply #10 on: March 16, 2010, 03:55:27 AM »
Hi and welcome

My father died of a brain hemorrage when I was 17 and I understand the utter shock of such a sudden departure.

My thoughts are with you and your family. It does get easier to cope as time passes. Here is a good place for support and friendship.

Sarah

Offline Ann Stig (official SWK booking name)

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Re: Still in shock, lost my best friend & husband 44 suddenly last month
« Reply #11 on: March 16, 2010, 07:56:22 AM »
Hi Elaine

Again, no way to compare this but I lost my brother suddenly in January.  He had been in hospital but we didnt expect him to die, he to was 44.  Died of a blood clot in the lungs which gave him a massave heart attack.

It still doesnt feel real to me, just little things for me with him being my brother, he was just there.  Needed to pick some stuff up from my mums and i just automatically said 'its ok Dave with be there' when she said she wouldnt be in!
 
I was supposed to go and visit him on the Friday after my last exam that week.  Hadnt thought how seriously ill he was at all.  I feel so guilty at putting my exams first (altho I know he understands).   My sisters say i'm lucky in a way that I didnt get to see him the way he was.

I've had a friend who lost her 3year old daughter, people didnt know what to say and as said, people crossed the road to avoiid her.  I didnt, always there and chatting away.  My son was the same age as her daughter and all she wanted to know was what he was upto now, so she could think what her daughter would be upto.

huge hugs Elaine, you sound like a strong woman and your children will help get you thru this.

Ann x

Offline toot

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Re: Still in shock, lost my best friend & husband 44 suddenly last month
« Reply #12 on: March 16, 2010, 08:13:45 AM »
hi elaine
iam so sorry for your loss and just want to say what a strong person you sound like and my love and prayers go to you and your family at this time x

Offline Silky

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Re: Still in shock, lost my best friend & husband 44 suddenly last month
« Reply #13 on: March 16, 2010, 12:38:56 PM »
Hi Elaine,
I'm not sure it's appropriate to say "welcome" as this is obviously the last place you thought you'd be, but hopefully you can at least find a few shoulders here if nothing else - I suspect few of us can read your post without a tear.

I can only imagine the pain you're going through at the moment,  from the loss of your partner, the complete suddenness, and the feeling of unfairness of it all. Yes, the pain will subside in time but in the meantime don't be afraid of letting your emotions out and having a ruddy good scream or cry as you need to.

I haven't lost a partner and can only offer my heartfelt sympathy on that front, but I did lose my father and sister within a short spell of each other. Like your husband, my sister went very quickly (she died within an hour of being admitted to hospital) and the death left us all totally shocked and in complete disbelief. My father on the other hand declined over 3 months and although we had time to say our goodbyes, his last months were dreadful.  At the time I found my father's death easier to prepare for (if "easy" can ever be used in such a case), however years after the event I take more comfort in the fact that my sister went so quickly without the dreadful decline and suffering.

Time does heal. The wounds will always be there (my second sister's cancer is bringing everything to the fore again for me), but in time the memories take over from the feeling of loss /anger/ grief and can in themselves provide a lot of comfort, rather than being a source of pain.

As mentioned above, a lot of people don't know how to approach the topic of death and in fear of upsetting you are likely to avoid the subject completely. This is all well meaning but I personally found it extremely upsetting that my loved ones were inadvertently "excluded" from the conversation. We all deal with grief in our own way, but if you find you do want to talk about your partner to friends, it's worth letting them know that you find it of comfort rather than a source of pain - a good friend will take their lead from you.

Our loved ones still very much remain a part of our family and although they never got to know their grandfather, my children know everything about him and chat about him as if he's still around. Personally my beliefs also changed after bereavement and I found a lot of comfort in that, again it's a very individual thing.

My advice is not to listen to the "shoulds / woulds / coulds" but to follow your own feelings. You'll feel better when you're ready, there is no set clock on this that says you have to stop aching at a certain time. If talking helps, talk - if it doesn't then try and find your solace elsewhere, whatever feels  right and helpful for you. Whatever the case, be easy on yourself and patient.

There are a number of people on here who've suffered bereavements of their partners and I'm full of admiration for the way they've all coped through this and supported their children. Please don't be afraid of asking for their help or turning to a charity like www.WinstonsWish.org.uk which specialises in child bereavement.

Take care of yourself Elaine,

Silky x
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Offline JustRuby

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Re: Still in shock, lost my best friend & husband 44 suddenly last month
« Reply #14 on: March 16, 2010, 01:41:40 PM »
Elaine, I am so sorry for your loss. Today I woke up and all I have done is moan and groan about all the house work, shopping etc etc. It really puts things in perspective.

I truly hope that as time goes on you find some peace and the wonderful memories of your relationship will replace the cold emptiness you have now. My heart goes out to you and your children, it really does. xxx


To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world....

Offline MelM

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Re: Still in shock, lost my best friend & husband 44 suddenly last month
« Reply #15 on: March 16, 2010, 05:18:29 PM »
Elaine, I am so sad to hear you news and genuinely feel for you and your children.

I agree with John in that there is not alot we can say to make it any easier. Bereavement for me has been a journey of emotions. From the first few weeks of complete numbness to anger and disbelief and overwhelming sadness. I only wish I had found swk sooner and had made better use of the councillors, doctors and bereavement organisations that are there to help. I really struggled through the first couple of years and felt there was no-one who wanted to talk about the death of my partner or anyone who understood my feelings of complete despair, coupled with the fact that you are all of a sudden a single parent, which in itself is a massive shock.

All I can say is, talk about your husband as much as you want to, its not taboo here and it shouldnt be anywhere else (though some people will feel uncomfortable with it), its not about them, its about you and your childrens healing process and coming to terms with what has happened. Seek and take help wherever you can and use swk whenever you need to. There are so many lovely people here from different backgrounds with different experiences that there is always someone who can listen and offer help and advice. Since joining swk last August I have found this website amazing, I am slowly getting my social life back and have met some lovely people. The Bereavement section is very useful and helps you to understand your feelings.

It is a long journey and I should think the first few months are going to be the toughest, but it will gradually get better bit by bit. Thinking of you and your family.
Melx




Offline Madame Butterfly

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Re: Still in shock, lost my best friend & husband 44 suddenly last month
« Reply #16 on: March 16, 2010, 06:52:44 PM »
Hello Elaine

My heart goes out to you at this time! Words can be a small or interim comfort and the pain of not being there can cut to the core! However imagine him at his happiest....think of that time when you heard his laugh and saw his smile..... or the deep chuckle that came from deep within!
These are the moments he would want you to remember and make that special mind memory captured like a kodak moment in your head so everytime you thought of him or smelt his aftershave or came across a personal momento that was the memory that sprang to mind!
Hold that close and remember those times!
My brother and mum passed just before I could get there but deep down now time has passed I know from previous conversations and the kind of people they were that is what they would want me to hold close....!
The laughter mum and I had over something silly until the tears ran down our faces and my father sat with a straight face...wondering what was so funny which only made us laugh all the more hysterically!
Or when mum came to help at hospital when J was born me at 39 she at 76 I had not managed to bathe and she took me back to my childhood caring for me as only a mum could!
Hold those memories dear not what you can not change - perhaps not meant to be!
Time does help/heal and comfort in a strange way! But only the weekend I found something mum had written cos it was close to her heart and it moved me but gave me tremendous strength of character 7 spirit!

Thinking of you but know many of us here if you need an ear!

Hugs Helen xx
Happiness is like a Butterfly, the more you chase it, the more it will elude you. But if you turn your attentions to other things it will come and sit softly on your shoulder[

Offline Silver Lining

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Re: Still in shock, lost my best friend & husband 44 suddenly last month
« Reply #17 on: March 16, 2010, 10:49:46 PM »
Hi Elaine

I can't begin to imagine how you must feel, but, as John said, there will be people on here who will.

My heart goes out to you and your girls.  There are no words.  Just sending you love and prayers.

C xx
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Offline Elaine C

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Re: Still in shock, lost my best friend & husband 44 suddenly last month
« Reply #18 on: March 18, 2010, 09:06:59 PM »
Hi ,
I would just like to say thank you for all your kind words. E. x

Offline JanieW

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Re: Still in shock, lost my best friend & husband 44 suddenly last month
« Reply #19 on: March 23, 2010, 06:22:19 PM »
Hello Elaine,

My husband died on the 5th of October last year of a heart attack. He was alone in his cabin onboard a ship just off the coast of the Falkland Islands. He was due to leave the ship and come home to me and our son the day that he died. He had been away at sea for 4 months, and he should have been home for Christmas last year - instead I brought his ashes home. Our son was 5 the day after his daddy's funeral. Please keep in touch, and the biggest of big hugs for you and your girls.

Jayne x

Offline ABI

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Re: Still in shock, lost my best friend & husband 44 suddenly last month
« Reply #20 on: March 26, 2010, 08:08:22 AM »
HI Elaine

I am so sad to hear of your loss and like everyone else has said cliched though it sounds, in time it will get better, but in your own time, one step, one day is all you and your girls can do and very slowly the steps will get bigger,,,YOu are incrediably brave and strong...you are not alone. Sending lots of love and prayers to you and your girls and hugs..
Abi xxx

 

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